I Don't Know.

Is he feeling ok?
Should I give him a bottle?
Should we rock him?
How much change is good for him?
Does he know who that is?
When will he wake up?
How well will he adapt to that new environment?
What should I be teaching him?
Is he getting enough tummy time?
Should I be pumping more?
Why is he spitting up so much?
Is he spending too much time with me?
How old should a babysitter be?
What is he thinking right now?
Why is he crying?

I am loving getting to know Noah, watching him wake up to a world that is noisy, diverse, colorful, amusing and confusing. In the midst of that joy, I must admit that I'm haunted by three little words.

I don't know.

I don't know why he's crying. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I should do.

It's an awful feeling, and at three months, I sort-of expected to understand him better. I'm his mother. We're together 24/7. How can he still be such a mystery?

I am enjoying this time -- his cooing, his cuddling, his sweet gaze, his nighttime breathing. Yet I can't help looking forward to the day when he can tell me what hurts. Though part of me knows that this feeling of helplessness isn't going anywhere.