50 Years Later

I have always wondered how my parents wound up together. Oh, I've heard about the dance at the club, the fun they had dating, and their eagerness to marry as soon as Mom graduated from college. But all of those facts are just satellites around the core mystery of how two oh-so-very-different people could have fallen in love.

If he was tall, she was petite. If he was street smart, she was book smart (and lost, literally). If he was extroverted, she was introverted. If he was seizing the day, she was saving for a rainy day. He was interested in history, trains, and business. She was interested in foreign language, philosophy, and education. What on earth did they talk about when they were out on a date in their teens and twenties?

I have no idea.

Which is why the past 50 years is no small miracle. People say "opposites attract" as if that were natural (more like a recipe for combustion). It's probably true that opposites--especially while young--do attract. But that attraction doesn't necessarily survive the reality of living with someone who is such a different animal.

I've had the privilege of observing their relationship up-close for nearly 40 years, and I've come to believe there are at least two major reasons their marriage--their love--has thrived through the decades.

1. They both fell in love with Jesus early in their marriage. It was the 70s, so they probably even called it that (I can hear Keith Green in my head as I type this). Mom first, and it transformed her. Dad saw the transformation, and soon followed her lead. All in. Ever since, they have been all in with Jesus. Studying the Bible, letting it transform their hearts and thoughts and attitudes, their parenting and friendships and...you got it: marriage.

Jesus softened their hearts. His love allowed them to be vulnerable with each other, to rely on truths more central than happiness, to put each other first, and ultimately to grow more balanced and gentle with the years, rather than more bitter or extreme. It also gave them a community to support them in all of the above.

I do not believe my parents would still be together if they hadn't become Christians. Romantic, eh? But 50 years of loving each other well is not about romance. It definitely helps that they started in love and worked to keep it year after year (see #2), but there are plenty of seasons when there aren't any violins playing, and the only thing keeping you together is the certainty that God wants you to stay together, that He will make it good for you both in the end.

2. They have each chosen to make the other their priority, bending in order to be closer together. As Jesus has been working on softening their rough edges, they have always been on the lookout for ways to enjoy each other. Dad loves trains, Mom loves French -- they take trains through France! She loves intimate conversations, he loves social gatherings -- they host small parties! She picks his haircuts; he picks her clothes (well, a few of them anyway). Some years, she did all the cooking. Others, he took over the kitchen. Even as I brainstorm concrete examples, I realize it's impossible to capture how they have consistently chosen thoughtfulness and togetherness over pride and independence. They choose to see the best in the other, to celebrate the other, and to be faithful when they wouldn't have to be.

Could their marriage have survived without #2? Maybe. But then they would just be roommates. Probably angry roommates. And if you've ever been around them, they are not roommates. He still sees her beauty. She still sees his handsome. They are truly happy together, and they are easy to be around.

And I am convinced it is partially because of their differences. They balance each other. If Mom had married someone with similar interests or strengths, would she have become more extroverted over time? If Dad had found another social butterfly, would he be as wise and reflective? Would their house have found that comfortable spot between his messy and her neat? Would their lifestyle still have some economy, some enjoyment, and lots of generosity?

With each passing year, I see another friend struggle in their marriage, wondering if it is worth the pain and sacrifice to work it out, to stay together, to rekindle love. Every time, I think of my parents. How many opportunities did they have to find someone more like themselves? To go seek greater happiness or less sacrifice? To hope for easier?

And then I think about all the years of happiness I've seen them share because they kept on keeping on. All the fruits of their labors. I don't know if there is a better legacy to leave than hearts transformed by Jesus and life-long love. And it's not just their hearts that have been transformed -- it's all of ours who have known them.

Which is probably the legacy they would rather me talk about, because their kind of intentional love doesn't stop at the boundaries of their marriage -- it leaks into every relationship. The gentle and radical influence of Jesus, and selflessly looking for the best in others? When you do it at home, you wind up doing it elsewhere.

As their 50th wedding anniversary has approached, I've been trying to figure out how to honor them and their marriage. They have moved so many times around the country, that there's no way to gather their friends from each season in the same state, let alone the same room.

So I've decided to put this out there. As a testimony that I have seen life-long, selfless love that honors both of the greatest commandments. It is real. It is possible. It is worth fighting for. And in the long run, it is beautiful. And someday, I am confident that they will get to heaven, and all of the people they have loved and influenced and inspired through the years will finally be in the same room to tell them so.

County of Orange

Seriously, that's its technical name: County of Orange. And I'm still not clear why it's so famous; can you name any other famous counties? Yet this is where we found ourselves rather unexpectedly last weekend. Here's how...

Josh called Tuesday afternoon to say he was being asked to speak at a conference...in 3 days...in California...with me along for the ride.

This has never happened before. They could have offered me a weekend in MICHIGAN and I would've taken it. Southern California? Done.

I wish. By Thursday, I really wasn't sure if it would be worth it. Turns out I took Operations in b-school so I could make arrangements to go away for THREE WHOLE DAYS. #3boys #6sitters #6pagesofnotes #22guests #72hours #1millionmovingparts #bye-bye

"Just landed in Dallas and it is 25 degrees and snowing.
Snowing. When we finally get to San Diego
I expect to see pigs flying. Or a sharknado."

But with a village at my back, we flew to DFW Friday morning. This was my first time flying American Airlines with Josh since he's become an Up In The Air-style frequent flier, and it was oh so very lovely. There is an upside to all those weeks of him being gone, and it's spelled p-r-i-o-r-i-t-y. It smoothed out so many bumps in the trip. 

And there were some, like spending 8 hours in the plane, on the ground in Dallas with very little food (hence the many "flight delay" calls from the airline). Or a 4-hour layover in Charlotte after the red-eye (which was filled with babies crying #heartbreaking). We managed to spend 28 hours of our 75 hours in travel, but really it was all fine. Better than fine. And not just because of the VIP stuff. It was the fact that we had NO CHILDREN with us. We love the little guys beyond words, but this would have been a complete nightmare with them, and just knowing what could-have-been was enough to keep the silver linings ever in our minds.

"Going on hour #7 sitting in these seats, first waiting for the pilot, then waiting for de-icing. ‪#‎details‬ But I have my hubby, a good book, tea, and no children, so really there are worse places to be stuck." ‪#‎bright side‬

And the big whopping silver lining? A happy ending: We made it to San Diego before Saturday (by an hour), where it was 63 degrees and not snowing.

The conference was at Laguna Cliffs Marriott in Dana Point, CA, which is literally on top of cliffs overlooking the Pacific.

Saturday morning was our raison d'etre (in OC anyway): Josh's talk to med school deans about his research. It was the first time I've sat in to hear his stump speech live, and it was awesome, of course!

Who's that handsome guy up there, that sexy science guy? (Yeah, not the guy in the chair...)  ‪#‎groupieintheaudience‬ (me, not the guy in the chair, though he may be too)

That afternoon we drove up through Laguna Beach to Huntington Beach where we'd heard we should watch the sun set.

Huntington Beach surprised me - it is atmospheric, with large signs of industry (plants, cargo ships, an oil rig), a giant empty beach (unless you include the surfers in the water), and a massive pier with a steak-and-shake Ruby's diner at the end. It was moody and impressive and far more interesting than a sunny bit of sand. The black cherry milkshake at Ruby's didn't hurt either.

Sunday we started with a run around the harbor to earn our breakfast, including the largest biscuits-and-gravy I've ever seen (though sadly their size didn't make them taste any more like Grandma Merrill's).

Then we drove to the famous mission ca.1776 was not on a hill overlooking the Pacific as I unreasonably expected but tucked in the middle of town across from the Starbucks. Still, it is an oasis of CA history with a layout reminiscent of Oxford, CA-style. And this way I could get a chai tea too.

Lesser-known Mission Trivia, clockwise...TL: The famous looks-like-an-ugly-wasp-nest Sparrow homes (which can also be seen under Mack Hatcher).
TR: The scariest flowering plant I've ever met. Probably transplanted from The Secret Garden.
BR: No comment. ‪#‎noneneeded‬
BL: Turns out the native Americans had a food pyramid too! Theirs included "insect larvae" and "ground owls." Ours isn't sounding so bad...

#pros SoCal does have Starbucks that carry sandwiches and bento boxes (not to mention palm trees, Pacific Ocean, whatever), #cons But then we saw some house listings... 

Time to go home!

After a quick dinner with a bestie...💜