Facing the Mommy Guilt Head-on

I don't usually think of myself as a perfectionist. Or a legalist. I was raised in a grace-based home by loving parents who taught me the gospel. It became clear to me early in life that I cannot be as good as I want to be, and that's ok. That's why Jesus came. 

But somewhere along the last few years -- particularly since becoming a mother -- something changed. Unbeknownst to me, I started accumulating a long list of things I SHOULD be doing. And it continues every week, every day. There's even a constant stream of rules about my speech:

The 20 Phrases No Christian Should Say
15 Things Never to Tell a Pregnant Woman
The 5 Words Every Child Must Hear About Sports

There are millions of these articles, and they're only the tip of the iceberg. I get advice and ideas about how to be a good mother or wife or teacher or writer or friend or daughter or Christian from every angle. And I'm willing to bet, you do too.

So I decided to start unpacking the bag slung over my back full of expectations and "shoulds," just to see what's in there. And it's all good things. Most can be supported by Scripture and research. Like how to stay healthy, build character in my boys, and keep our house in order. 

BUT THEY ARE ENDLESS........... 

Which is why I decided to write some of them down in one place. Not to exaggerate for humor's sake, but to list what I actually expect of myself or feel others expect. To show myself just how (un)reasonable these expectations are -- and breed a little more GRACE.

The more I wrote, the more I realized: This is absurd, y'all. Most of these things are not explicitly in the Bible (if you want to hear me talk more about that, you can listen to what I'm learning/teaching in John), some have controversial research outcomes, and plenty contradict each other. Worst of all, they get me so busy judging myself and others based on secondary things that I lose sight of what really matters.

So here it is, in all its glory - the list I'm recognizing as my own little mental version of June Cleaver meets Claire Huxtable meets Wonder Woman meets Proverbs 31 (notice they're all fictional? #theresareason). To be clear, it's not that I'm rejecting this stuff. I believe much of it is good advice or I wouldn't feel the "should." I'm just trying to find some sanity by recognizing what insanity looks like in my little corner of the world -- and that is expecting myself to do all of this well.

Oh, and just for fun, I've grouped them under the scriptures we abuse to make these things sound NECESSARY. Enjoy. 

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor 6:19) really means...
Prepare healthy, low-sugar, nut-free, non-processed, organic, locally-grown and preferably gluten-free and meat-free but high-protein FOOD that my family will eat in healthy portions happily together at the table. Insure all of the following happen regularly for myself and each child: exercise (aerobic + anaerobic), bathing (after quiet time and exercise but before leaving the house), brushing teeth, flossing, haircuts, nail trimming, and "appropriate" doctors’ visits. Dress my family in attractive, conservative, seasonal, inexpensive, and clean CLOTHING that fits, purchased from socially responsible organizations, and resold at a profit. Do all without consuming "too much" caffeine, alcohol, medication, or television.

“Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6) really means... DISCIPLE each child with quiet times (alone and with them), scripture memory, regular family devotions, hymn-singing, honest and deep conversations about everything that matters to them, and all with a gospel-centered message/heart. Make the right EDUCATIONAL choice for each child each year (and when in doubt, homeschool). Be involved in each child's class, familiar with their teachers and classmates, and participate in school committees and activities including fundraisers, field trips, teacher appreciation weeks, dress-up days, lunch visits, parties, spirit nights, and parent prayer groups. Give my kids plenty of time for free PLAY and exploring the outdoors with a "safe" level of independence/adventure, while instilling a strong WORK ethic (teaching them how to do and love laundry/dishes/chores/finances/farming/sports/music), establishing family traditions, disciplining consistently and yet personalized to each child, reinforcing church and school curricula, emphasizing service to the community that is long-term, relational and effective without being condescending, limiting screen time, and of course not stressing them out.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven" (Matthew 6:19-20) really means... 

Carry no DEBT and pay off school loans and the mortgage before making large, "frivolous" purchases, but do not put off family vacations or "wise" purchases that may be regretted later. Track daily expenditures as part of a monthly BUDGET whose distribution reflects our values,  meets our financial goals, and supports those in greatest need, but don't obsess or spend too much time focused on the material world. GIVE to the many worthy and needy organizations our friends support or work for, making sure the money is used efficiently and services are life-giving with the perfect mix of meeting physical and spiritual needs or training others to do so themselves. SAVE for college and retirement in low-tax, low-fee, carefully-diversified, safe but profit-making accounts and investments which we review annually. 

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart" (Colossians 3:23) really means... 

Put my expensive graduate education to good use in part-time WORK that supports our financial goals, does not interfere with my marriage or parenting, is personally/intellectually stimulating, serves the community in meaningful ways, and provides an opportunity to re-enter a rewarding career path once my children leave the house in another 17 years. When not working or parenting, take care of our HOME by ensuring a general lack of crumbs and bodily fluids on visible surfaces, the ability to walk across the floor without injury, ergonomic organization that supports our routines, decorating that creates an artistic/homey/contemporary atmosphere, and maintenance to keep up our property's value (deck/driveway/playset resealing, windows/trim painted/caulked, grass seeded/mowed, beds trimmed/weeded, etc). Take time to capture, organize, and share MEMORIES from these short and precious years, but don't interrupt special moments by taking pictures or writing down cute phrases, and only share self-deprecating moments or cuteness with those who really want to see it.

I'm just gonna stop there before my head explodes and you start to think I'm an even bigger nut. I'm also not even going to touch all the rules that seem to come with pregnancy, nursing, and managing toddlers...

Which leaves me with one last comment to share. I absolutely believe that Jesus came to set us free from all of our rules and expectations of trying to be good enough or find ultimate satisfaction in any of these areas. Paul talks all about this in Galatians, Tim Keller wrote a great book about it called Counterfeit Gods, and in God's providence, our pastor just preached on it the Sunday after I wrote this. i.e. There is hope. And there is freedom for each of us to do some of these things but not others, to be called to different activities and choices, and to make mistakes all over the place. I'm learning how to rest and live in that truth more each day. Well...not each day, but some days. ;)

Note: Please do not share excerpts without a link to the whole. I would not want someone to hear that these verses mean all of these things -- especially because I've caught myself making that mistake!