Ask Me Anything

Our society is--like every society, I imagine--confused. We don't want any taboos (everything that used to be wrong is now right), but then we create them left and right (things women used to talk about are now off-limits). It can be awesome (interracial marriage is finally acceptable!) and not (don't talk about my pregnancy, breast-feeding, depression, motherhood, how many kids we're having, how my kids are behaving, where they go to school, what they eat, or whether one is adopted). 

I see more lists of "10 Things Not to Say To Someone Who _______" than almost any other subject. It's like we love creating "conditions for being around me," as if I'm so fragile and insecure that the least allusion to something personal will alienate me forever. 

What kills me is that it means people are afraid to talk about issues that are actually very important -- issues that might benefit from the light of conversation and community and the sharing of ideas. I remember when we were struggling with whether to have more children and it felt like an impossible decision to make but there are almost no resources available to help you make it. How should we approach such a decision when no one will touch it with a 10-foot pole? I even wrote a blog post about it called "The Elephant in the Room" but never published it because I was afraid to enter the conversation. Afraid.

A couple years ago I read Donald Miller's Scary Close, and in it he says:

After Bill told me I was being too careful, I went back to the old me, the me who felt permission and grace to express his thoughts and feelings. I realized in order to have a career I was going to have to face the fans and the critics. It's a decision we all have to make in our lives, you know, because at some point we all face the risk of being known. 

But here's the truth. I knew I wouldn't be completely accepted. The risk of being known is also the decision to be criticized by some. There are judges behind every bush. But it didn't matter to me anymore. I couldn't afford to be afraid to write and my soul needed to be loved and it couldn't be loved in hiding. I was professionally and personally hungry. 

So, I wrote. I wrote as though God thought my voice mattered. I wrote because I believed a human story was beautiful, no matter how small the human was. I wrote because I didn't make myself, God did and I wrote like he'd invited me to share agency. 

I felt myself being a little more sturdy on the tightrope. The ground beneath me began to sink as I wrote, but I kept writing all the same knowing the whole thing was a mirage, that there was no rope and no risk and no death for falling. I wrote blogs about politics, knowing I’d alienate some of my readers. I wrote about leaders I felt were off base, knowing their followers would slam me on their blogs. As a Christian writer, I wrote about not having attended church in more than five years. I wrote my story. I stepped out and let people know who I was, not as a shock jock, but in the kind of risk it takes to actually connect with people. 

And of course I was judged. I was criticized. To put yourself out there is to be shot at.But something strange had happened in my healing, something that went along with the reflective work I'd done to become healthy.I learned to preemptively forgive... 

And regardless of the critics, the price was worth it. I began to connect with people through blogs and essays like I'd not connected in years. For every person I'd have to turn the other cheek to, there were ten who greeted me with a kiss. It was all worth it. To remind myself to never go back to being careful, I made a list of new freedoms. 

It looked like this: I am willing to sound dumb. I am willing to be wrong. I am willing to be passionate about something that isn’t perceived as cool. I am willing to express a theory. I am willing to admit I’m afraid. I’m willing to contradict something I’ve said before. I’m willing to apologize.

This perspective has been niggling at my mind lately. I don't want to gratuitously alienate people by "taking a stand" on minor issues. I don't want folks to hear who I voted for and then nothing else I say. 

But I also realized that I often don't hear my perspective in public conversations. I can't find someone articulating exactly what I think. Jen Hatmaker usually comes closest. Sometimes our pastor, Scott Sauls, says it first and better than I could have. But ultimately, there are a lot of controversial issues that I've been hiding from. And I don't think that's healthy for me (what if I'm wrong about them but no one has the chance to correct me?), and I don't think that's healthy for my community (if I'm not talking about it, who else is hiding? and who is assuming no one thinks otherwise?).

Truthfully, I end up writing this same idea every few years on this blog (i.e. Back in the Saddle). I guess it's how I give myself the courage to write hard things once I'm fed up with not saying them. 

So, here's your fair warning. I've gotten a lot of questions lately about how I decided to stay home with my kids. The issue of whether women should lead in the church will not die. And I have a feeling this presidential election may drive me to some sort of statement. 

As a result, some of you may like me less. But maybe those who disagree with me will teach me something or at least come to understand another point of view. If nothing else, we'll know each other a little better. And in the meantime, I pray someone else finds a kindred spirit, food for thought, and the freedom to speak their mind as well.

School Choice

I have intentionally not written about our school choices thus far, because it is so controversial, easy to alienate someone, and likely to make me eat my words later.

I've finally changed my mind because on other issues, I have found it helpful to have a record of how we felt at a given stage, knowing we're going to feel differently at other stages. Better to share what we're currently thinking so I can later share how that thinking has evolved.

HISTORY
As with so many things, I've seen a lot of folks choose what they grew up with (or its total opposite). We're no different, so here's a little background...

When I was growing up, every time my parents moved (mostly in the northeast), they picked the school district first, then a house. Which means I grew up in good school districts. My childhood memory of school choice was that you went wherever the bus took you. Our youth group at church was a menagerie representing all of the local public schools. School was the real world - fun, challenging, uncomfortable, exciting, difficult, etc. Home and church were my havens, designed to equip and recharge me to re-enter the real world.

Josh's experience was very similar, except that he attended magnet schools in a large (and less uniformly good) urban district. His peers were more diverse and his classes were more consistently supportive and challenging.

We both had good and bad experiences at school, strong families and great churches, all of which made us feel well prepared for college, and ultimately life. Which is not to say we haven't made mistakes -- we just don't feel like we can blame them on our parents. ;)

CULTURE
Nashville has a very different culture than the places Josh and I grew up. Rather than giving you a regional sociology lesson, let me just say that most of the people we know send their kids to private school or homeschool. Yes, you read that right: we know more people who choose alternatives to public school than we do in public school. Naturally, this has given us pause. Are we really going to make a different choice than so many people we love and respect?

INTENT
The short answer is: For now, yes, because we think this is where God is leading us. Where He is leading us. These are our circumstances and priorities right now; we're not trying to say they should be yours. One of my dearest friends has just decided to send her children to an awesome private school down the street, and it has been sweet to see God confirm that decision several times. I've also read great blog posts about why families chose homeschooling. This post happens to be our story...or at least the beginning of it. And I've tried to focus on describing the priorities that have directed our decision. This is not to say children can't learn these things elsewhere -- just that we hope our children will learn them at our public school.

RATIONALE
With that in mind, the long answer on why we feel thus led is...

1) Fully Resourced: Five years ago, we moved so we'd be in a great district (#1 in the state) with strong academics and safe schools. Since then, our boys have been able to utilize amazing resources only available through our public schools. The teachers and ancillary staff are highly qualified in their areas of expertise, and the methods are heavily scrutinized. Transportation, meals, several different kinds of therapy, regular communication, and special events throughout the year are all provided by the school. Someday I may write about what all goes into an IEP, but suffice it to say for now, we are so blessed.

2) Strength from Diversity: God has given Josh and I a passion for engaging in our culture. We crave friendships with people from all walks of life and are eager to dialogue about important issues with those who disagree. It's how we learn, how we play, and a big part of how we grow in our faith and impact our community. We believe that growing up in public schools fostered this passion and helped us learn at age-appropriate stages how to live as Christians in a non-Christian world. We hope to walk with our children through these stages as they engage with new people and ideas -- especially while they're still young enough to talk with us about everything.

3) Character-Building: Our boys are growing up in a privileged culture. There's no getting around that. But public schools give them an excellent opportunity to learn that the world does not revolve around them, their desires, or their schedules. They will have to wait their turn, stand in line, help another student, and study subjects that don't particularly interest them, not to mention complete vast quantities of homework. These are all opportunities to learn obedience, patience, discipline, and self-control (fruit of the Spirit that were also recently highlighted in this NYTimes article). I even like that the building is a little worn; they need some cinder block in their lives. ;)

4) Problem-Solving: Building on #2 and #3, we believe our boys are more likely to encounter a variety of problems and people they don't relate to in the public school because it a cross-section of society, and we look forward to coaching them through these issues/relationships. Problem solving is one of the most important skills in life, and there's no better way to learn it than practice, practice, practice. I also think you can learn a lot (perhaps of a different nature) from a teacher you don't love.

5) Community-Based: I'm not sure there's a better way to get to know your community than to have kids at the local school. We're already bonding with our neighbors and our kindergartners haven't even started yet.

PRESUPPOSITIONS

-- A Moderate Bubble: We recognize the need to protect our children from inappropriate problems. I've talked to a number of parents in our area, and so far, I haven't heard of any issues in the schools that scare me. Besides, this is the generation that they are growing up with, the world in which they will be living and making choices for the rest of their lives. If they can't handle the issues that arise for their age group in this relatively affluent, conservative town, we've got bigger problems...

-- Ultimately Safe: We are very active in a church we love, and we live out our faith (warts and all) with our children. Between our church family and our immediate family, we are committed to  discipling our children. At the same time--and especially knowing our consistent frailty as parents--we are confident that God will work in the lives of our children, drawing them to Himself in unique ways that we can only imagine, despite or because of whatever mistakes we're making. i.e. I don't believe their eternal destiny depends on which school they attend.

-- Nothing's Permanent: We'll just have to see how our kids react. If one of our kids were to grow secretive, distant, uncommunicative, intensely rebellious, or had critical needs that the school could not meet, we would of course consider all of our options. i.e. I reserve the right to take back any or all of the above. ;)

HERE WE GO

Aaron attended our public school last year, and it was a great experience for all of us. Tonight was Noah's "Meet the Teacher," where we also met his classmates, their parents, and several neighbors. Afterward, a couple families in our neighborhood with kindergartners came over to our house for pizza. It all felt SO GOOD. Despite my best efforts, we've been living in too small a bubble for the past few years, and I've been eager for the expanded community that would come once the boys started public school. Tonight got me (and the boys) even more excited. I'll let you know how it goes...