No More Mommy Wars

I know, I know, "mommy wars" is a terrible, derogatory phrase, but it's exactly what I'm tackling today so I might as well take it on, and "Can't we all just get along?" is a little less...specific.

The fact is, it's hard to talk about the choices parents--especially mothers--make regarding their careers when they have children. I think there are 3 major reasons for this:

1. Everyone with kids has made a choice. They went back to work full time, part time, changed jobs, or stayed home. i.e. They put their "stake in the ground."

2. Few feel secure in their decision. People are incredibly sensitive to anything that might be construed as criticism of their choice, even if it's someone else expressing joy over an aspect of their own (different) choice. Because...

3. The stakes are high. How we handle this issue can play a big role in our self-image, identity, and values (work, kids, security, success, etc).

The whole issue reminds me of house hunting. Everyone wants you to look in their neighborhood, but what they really want is for you to buy in their neighborhood, because then you are validating their choice. If you look in their 'hood and buy somewhere else, it can feel like judgment of their decision. And it's a big decision; the stakes are high. Everyone wants to feel like they made the best choice.

For some reason, it seems to have taken about 40 years for me to realize that when I seek this validation for my choices or take offense at someone else's choice, I'm forgetting that their needs and circumstances are different from mine. It's obvious, I know. But I don't think our emotions always know. I have to constantly remind myself that You Are Not Me. #genius

For example, we bought our house based on its:

• proximity to our work, our church, and our school, 
• layout that served our family of 2 adults, 3 boys, a baby girl, and out-of-town friends/relatives, 
• our family's desire for plenty of neighbors but not plenty of land,
• maintenance/reno needs (or lack thereof) and price.

And these were just the primary factors. If you have a different workplace, church, school, or family dynamic, you are likely to make a different choice. Even if ALL of these things were somehow the same, you'd probably still make a different choice for any number of reasons!

OF COURSE people make different choices in housing...and in parenting. What's good for you may not be good for me or my kids with their own unique mixes of development and personality.

So why do we feel the need to defend our position, surround ourselves with people who made the same decision, call out anything that might make our decision more difficult, or just silently judge those doing things differently?

I was just reading 1 Corinthians 7, and it's full of thorny verses that require a lot of context and unpacking. This is not one of them: "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches" (v17).

I am gradually working on a post about what it has been like for me to become a stay-at-home mom. But each time I sit down to write it, I wind up with something like this post. So here it is: my disclaimer. I do not believe everyone should stay home full-time with their kids. I do believe it has worked really well for our family. And it's worth talking about why. Soon.

Facing the Mommy Guilt Head-on

I don't usually think of myself as a perfectionist. Or a legalist. I was raised in a grace-based home by loving parents who taught me the gospel. It became clear to me early in life that I cannot be as good as I want to be, and that's ok. That's why Jesus came. 

But somewhere along the last few years -- particularly since becoming a mother -- something changed. Unbeknownst to me, I started accumulating a long list of things I SHOULD be doing. And it continues every week, every day. There's even a constant stream of rules about my speech:

The 20 Phrases No Christian Should Say
15 Things Never to Tell a Pregnant Woman
The 5 Words Every Child Must Hear About Sports

There are millions of these articles, and they're only the tip of the iceberg. I get advice and ideas about how to be a good mother or wife or teacher or writer or friend or daughter or Christian from every angle. And I'm willing to bet, you do too.

So I decided to start unpacking the bag slung over my back full of expectations and "shoulds," just to see what's in there. And it's all good things. Most can be supported by Scripture and research. Like how to stay healthy, build character in my boys, and keep our house in order. 

BUT THEY ARE ENDLESS........... 

Which is why I decided to write some of them down in one place. Not to exaggerate for humor's sake, but to list what I actually expect of myself or feel others expect. To show myself just how (un)reasonable these expectations are -- and breed a little more GRACE.

The more I wrote, the more I realized: This is absurd, y'all. Most of these things are not explicitly in the Bible (if you want to hear me talk more about that, you can listen to what I'm learning/teaching in John), some have controversial research outcomes, and plenty contradict each other. Worst of all, they get me so busy judging myself and others based on secondary things that I lose sight of what really matters.

So here it is, in all its glory - the list I'm recognizing as my own little mental version of June Cleaver meets Claire Huxtable meets Wonder Woman meets Proverbs 31 (notice they're all fictional? #theresareason). To be clear, it's not that I'm rejecting this stuff. I believe much of it is good advice or I wouldn't feel the "should." I'm just trying to find some sanity by recognizing what insanity looks like in my little corner of the world -- and that is expecting myself to do all of this well.

Oh, and just for fun, I've grouped them under the scriptures we abuse to make these things sound NECESSARY. Enjoy. 

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor 6:19) really means...
Prepare healthy, low-sugar, nut-free, non-processed, organic, locally-grown and preferably gluten-free and meat-free but high-protein FOOD that my family will eat in healthy portions happily together at the table. Insure all of the following happen regularly for myself and each child: exercise (aerobic + anaerobic), bathing (after quiet time and exercise but before leaving the house), brushing teeth, flossing, haircuts, nail trimming, and "appropriate" doctors’ visits. Dress my family in attractive, conservative, seasonal, inexpensive, and clean CLOTHING that fits, purchased from socially responsible organizations, and resold at a profit. Do all without consuming "too much" caffeine, alcohol, medication, or television.

“Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6) really means... DISCIPLE each child with quiet times (alone and with them), scripture memory, regular family devotions, hymn-singing, honest and deep conversations about everything that matters to them, and all with a gospel-centered message/heart. Make the right EDUCATIONAL choice for each child each year (and when in doubt, homeschool). Be involved in each child's class, familiar with their teachers and classmates, and participate in school committees and activities including fundraisers, field trips, teacher appreciation weeks, dress-up days, lunch visits, parties, spirit nights, and parent prayer groups. Give my kids plenty of time for free PLAY and exploring the outdoors with a "safe" level of independence/adventure, while instilling a strong WORK ethic (teaching them how to do and love laundry/dishes/chores/finances/farming/sports/music), establishing family traditions, disciplining consistently and yet personalized to each child, reinforcing church and school curricula, emphasizing service to the community that is long-term, relational and effective without being condescending, limiting screen time, and of course not stressing them out.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven" (Matthew 6:19-20) really means... 

Carry no DEBT and pay off school loans and the mortgage before making large, "frivolous" purchases, but do not put off family vacations or "wise" purchases that may be regretted later. Track daily expenditures as part of a monthly BUDGET whose distribution reflects our values,  meets our financial goals, and supports those in greatest need, but don't obsess or spend too much time focused on the material world. GIVE to the many worthy and needy organizations our friends support or work for, making sure the money is used efficiently and services are life-giving with the perfect mix of meeting physical and spiritual needs or training others to do so themselves. SAVE for college and retirement in low-tax, low-fee, carefully-diversified, safe but profit-making accounts and investments which we review annually. 

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart" (Colossians 3:23) really means... 

Put my expensive graduate education to good use in part-time WORK that supports our financial goals, does not interfere with my marriage or parenting, is personally/intellectually stimulating, serves the community in meaningful ways, and provides an opportunity to re-enter a rewarding career path once my children leave the house in another 17 years. When not working or parenting, take care of our HOME by ensuring a general lack of crumbs and bodily fluids on visible surfaces, the ability to walk across the floor without injury, ergonomic organization that supports our routines, decorating that creates an artistic/homey/contemporary atmosphere, and maintenance to keep up our property's value (deck/driveway/playset resealing, windows/trim painted/caulked, grass seeded/mowed, beds trimmed/weeded, etc). Take time to capture, organize, and share MEMORIES from these short and precious years, but don't interrupt special moments by taking pictures or writing down cute phrases, and only share self-deprecating moments or cuteness with those who really want to see it.

I'm just gonna stop there before my head explodes and you start to think I'm an even bigger nut. I'm also not even going to touch all the rules that seem to come with pregnancy, nursing, and managing toddlers...

Which leaves me with one last comment to share. I absolutely believe that Jesus came to set us free from all of our rules and expectations of trying to be good enough or find ultimate satisfaction in any of these areas. Paul talks all about this in Galatians, Tim Keller wrote a great book about it called Counterfeit Gods, and in God's providence, our pastor just preached on it the Sunday after I wrote this. i.e. There is hope. And there is freedom for each of us to do some of these things but not others, to be called to different activities and choices, and to make mistakes all over the place. I'm learning how to rest and live in that truth more each day. Well...not each day, but some days. ;)

Note: Please do not share excerpts without a link to the whole. I would not want someone to hear that these verses mean all of these things -- especially because I've caught myself making that mistake!

My Birthday Blessings

Birthdays are precarious things, particularly if they are laden with expectations. I am surrounded by people who love me and show it. Even so, I found all the "Have a fabulous day!" comments reinforced my perception that it felt a little less than fabulous. Which is totally ridiculous, because it was full of blessings. So, I'm going to count some of them here, for my own mental health. I may be leaving out a few potholes, but that is rather the point...

When I got up, the house was quiet (1), so I woke the boys and started preparing breakfast. Then Josh -- who I assumed to be on his way to work -- walked back in the door (2) with a cafe mocha (3) and scones (4). Good man. (5) The point is not that the barista forgot the mocha pumps, the point is that he went and got me a treat!

After I scuttled the boys off to school (6, 7) and stopped back at Starbucks for an exchange (which they did for free 8), I left Isaac with an awesome babysitter (9) and went to a committee meeting of women I enjoy and respect (10). They even provided scones in honor of my birthday (Yes, that was scone #2. Score. 11).

Then, I had the rare chance to visit Trader Joe's (12). Alone (13). It's my favorite grocery store anyway, and it looks like pumpkin exploded all over every item they sell. Yum.

I got home to find a gift from a dear friend (14) and read a card from my Bible study small group (15). Serious warm fuzzies doing battle with my pms hormones. (Did I just say that?)

Then, there was Meal Swap delivered to my door (16). Really, enough said right there. I'm not makin' dinner.

A couple weeks ago, I told my boys to ask me what I wanted for my birthday (I've learned about subtlety with males, and not under any circumstance to ever use it). Then I told them I wanted them to learn Psalm 139:1-10 for my birthday. Ever since I found out that Jewish boys 2,000 years ago memorized The Torah, and Noah came home from preschool knowing The Lord's Prayer, I've upped the ante on our Scripture memory. We worked on it a little over dinner most nights, and by Oct 2nd, they were able to mostly pull it off (17, 18). And were adorable to boot (19, 20).

7. After dinner, Josh got home (21) in time to put the boys to bed (22) and free me to run off to a Girls' Night Out (23) at a neighbor's...

I think I ought to stop right there. If I talk about how I got to pick when to have lunch out with my Mom (23) and a date night with Josh (24)...how it was my choice that they both occurred the next day and were fabulous the next day, I'll sound like a total idiot.

See, counting your blessings works! It makes you feel like a spoiled brat instead of a loser...

Happy birthday to me. ;)

Summer Fun with Mommy

Let me just say up front: we do not have fun all day long. We have chores and "rest time" and meltdowns and TV and independent play. But in between the usual routines that keep life afloat, we have splashes of fun that remind us how great it is to be family, to be a kid, to be a mom. Here's a random selection of those moments from the last couple months...

Science 101: What happens when you drop pasta, seashells, and crackers into OJ, water, or kool-aid?

Note: It's harder to construct a building of extra-thin spaghetti. Next time, go for the fettuccine. Best part: Eating the joints.

A playdate with friends in Kingston Springs. These folks know how to PLAY.

The Zoo - where we love the "Tot Lot" (padded open-air room) and occasionally see animals.

(more of the Tot Lot)

We visit the library weekly for audio books, but this time they also had touch-a-truck and face painting,
so I took home a couple pirates. This is also the day I forgot sunscreen (we ran into friends there who shared), cash (most of it was free), and lunch (we went home).

Aaron's first theater experience: Ice Age Continental Drift with a couple friends. A little scary, but he loved it and did not want to leave. The admission+concessions for $4 made my day.

During rest-time one day, they decided to lower a bag. It came back up with a snack!! That's good fishing.

Ever since we saw "fried bananas" on a menu, Noah has been asking me to make some. Google to the rescue! (recipe here) And I must say, they were gone fast.

Our church helps sponsor the Nashville International Cup - adult amateur soccer for internationals in town. We were there to support some friends on Team Mexico - and inspire our little soccer players. Downside: it was hot, hot, hot. Upside: we got to hang with some good friends we don't see enough.

We've been doing some remodeling in the boys' room... Made possible by their super-fun bunk beds. I get so many questions about them, that I'm posting the link: www.bunkbedking.com.

We finally walked to the Asian place across the street from our neighborhood - and decided we'll have to come back with Daddy. Despite the fact that I had to carry our double jogger through the entire restaurant with Isaac on my chest. Not my most graceful moment. But compensated by the chocolate-filled cookies the owner gave each boy after dinner.

Just when I thought they'd outgrown trains... I LOVE these moments when we can work on a project together.

A night out with my littles to Aaron's favorite store on the planet: Sweet Cece's (where Isaac was devastated when my ice cream was all gone). Then catching bubbles on Main St.

And lest you feel sorry for our hardworking man of the house who misses all the weekday fun, "Summer Fun with Daddy" is in the works...

Becoming a Mother of Three

Monday, this baby will be 32 weeks along. It's one of my favorite milestones in pregnancy, because it means the baby can be born anytime and the rate of morbidity/mortality (by the time they're two) is the same as being born at 40 weeks. It's an awesome relief.

AND it means we're getting close!

I am really enjoying this pregnancy. I have experienced the gamut of side-effects, from the glorious nesting (my house has NEVER been this organized) to the inglorious hemorrhoids (TMI?), but they are all elevated by my certainty that they are a privilege. Now that I've done this twice before, I have a much better understanding of the outcome, and what an incredible, explosive, unfolding miracle it is. I am also more confident that this child will be good for us, that we can be good for him/her, and that I can enjoy the adventure that comes with a new life.

That confidence does not just come from experience so much as it comes from a deepening knowledge of the God who made us and loves us and is working for our good. Lately, God has surrounded me with messages about my identity and how it is...

1) Not a static thing that must be protected, but something to be molded and changed by Him and those around me (Loving the Little Years, Stepping Heavenward, this Scott Sauls sermon),

2) Not defined by my appetites or enhanced by self-gratification (the last section in this Gospel Coalition blog post, this Scott Sauls sermon, among others) 

3) Only comfortable and enjoyable when eclipsed by His identity (Romans 12, this Tim Keller podcast, this Scott Sauls sermon, among others)

Our culture is obsessed with each person's right to pursue happiness by fulfilling his/her desires without guilt or shame. It's the worst kind of lie because it plays on and multiplies our weaknesses. Yet each week, I feel myself slipping back into that way of thinking. Each week, God gets my attention again. Because we both know I cannot go there and do motherhood (or anything else) well. As soon as I forget Christ in my every day, I become a selfish ball of appetites, struggling for my own way and parenting like a 2-year-old.

My new favorite book on motherhood, Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic, has been an instrumental boost in this department. I started reading it after my first trimester, when 12 weeks of nausea had fueled my selfishness and entitlement to the point that I was really struggling to kick that mindset. I have been tempted to quote it so many times, but it's impossible to do her ideas justice in 2-3 sentences. Better yet, the book is only 102 pages long, so you might as well just read it. She says everything I would love to say here, but I'm still trying to learn and apply it myself.

In the meantime, I am loving these little weeks that count down to our big day. And on most days, I look to the arrival of our new bundle of needs and joys and cries with the confidence that God has led us here, and He will give me the grace and support to be the mother of three, if I will just let Him.

Note: If you need a good dose of parental inspiration and don't yet have Rachel's book, read this letter of encouragement to new parents. It's a gem.