The fact is, it's hard to talk about the choices parents--especially mothers--make regarding their careers when they have children. I think there are 3 major reasons for this:
1. Everyone with kids has made a choice. They went back to work full time, part time, changed jobs, or stayed home. i.e. They put their "stake in the ground."
2. Few feel secure in their decision. People are incredibly sensitive to anything that might be construed as criticism of their choice, even if it's someone else expressing joy over an aspect of their own (different) choice. Because...
3. The stakes are high. How we handle this issue can play a big role in our self-image, identity, and values (work, kids, security, success, etc).
The whole issue reminds me of house hunting. Everyone wants you to look in their neighborhood, but what they really want is for you to buy in their neighborhood, because then you are validating their choice. If you look in their 'hood and buy somewhere else, it can feel like judgment of their decision. And it's a big decision; the stakes are high. Everyone wants to feel like they made the best choice.
For some reason, it seems to have taken about 40 years for me to realize that when I seek this validation for my choices or take offense at someone else's choice, I'm forgetting that their needs and circumstances are different from mine. It's obvious, I know. But I don't think our emotions always know. I have to constantly remind myself that You Are Not Me. #genius
For example, we bought our house based on its:
- proximity to our work, our church, and our school,
- layout that served our family of 2 adults, 3 boys, a baby girl, and out-of-town friends/relatives,
- our family's desire for plenty of neighbors but not plenty of land,
- maintenance/reno needs (or lack thereof) and price.
And these were just the primary factors. If you have a different workplace, church, school, or family dynamic, you are likely to make a different choice. Even if ALL of these things were somehow the same, you'd probably still make a different choice for any number of reasons!
OF COURSE people make different choices in housing...and in parenting. What's good for you may not be good for me or my kids with their own unique mixes of development and personality.
So why do we feel the need to defend our position, surround ourselves with people who made the same decision, call out anything that might make our decision more difficult, or just silently judge those doing things differently?
I was just reading 1 Corinthians 7, and it's full of thorny verses that require a lot of context and unpacking. This is not one of them: "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches" (v17).
I am gradually working on a post about what it has been like for me to become a stay-at-home mom. But each time I sit down to write it, I wind up with something like this post. So here it is: my disclaimer. I do not believe everyone should stay home full-time with their kids. I do believe it has worked really well for our family. And it's worth talking about why. Soon.
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