Still in the Dark

I'm getting a lot of questions, so I guess it's time for another update... (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you might want to start with Hard News.)

I've put it off because there's not much new information, and I don't feel like I'm handling it very well (as you will see). We had a particularly bad doc appointment Friday, so I finally came home and wrote something up. I've debated whether to share it, especially when I reread my last update and it sounds so composed and succinct. But lest you think that's always how we're doing, I've decided to go ahead and share some #reallife, starting with...

A LITTLE VENTING

I've always thought of us as a healthy family. My kids rarely get sick, and our family histories are simple. I've also assumed healthcare is amazing. After all, my husband is leading the charge to make all sorts of breakthroughs, my interactions with healthcare have had happy endings, and we have friends and family members who were diagnosed with cancer years ago but are still tickin'. Modern medicine is miraculous.

So I thought. This fall has been a culture shock. Josh has a bum hip that may need surgery, Isaac has mysterious bumps on his face, Katherine has had little interest in motor milestones, I've had a headache off/on for about a month, and Aaron's headache/vomiting episodes are coming fast and strong. Our only completely uncomplicated family member is the one most likely to think he's ill.

And what does modern medicine have to offer each of us? Zilch. But what do we have to do to make sure we haven't missed anything helpful? A TON. 

Ok maybe not zilch, but it's close! I'm just so...disappointed. How can they really not know what causes headaches or how to stop them? or what causes developmental delays and how to fix them? How can they not be able to remove a tumor? And are we really basing these diagnoses and "treatment" decisions on how good my notes are??

I didn't expect to get so sick of it in just 8 weeks. I've been spoiled. Many of you learned these lessons long ago. ALS, dementia, Autism, CF...to name a few. There are still oceans of mystery in healthcare. On some level, I knew that. But right now, I'm angry that all these great systems and experts need us to do so much so they can tell us how little they can do but how much more we will need to do going forward.

It's exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if we'd be better off if we'd never done all these consultations and tests. Possibly.

Yet how can we not pursue it? Josh needs to be able to walk. Katherine too. I don't want to live with headaches. And most of all, Aaron needs help. Not a medicine to shorten 6-hour episodes to 3 hours, but a solution that prevents any more episodes. Or at least an understanding of their cause. And if a few months of writing down everything we eat or do and spending oodles of time on appointments and prescriptions and "treatments" and therapies and payments will solve these problems, it's not such a big price to pay. 

But maybe what I'm really trying to say is that I'm scared for Aaron. I know the other stuff is going to be fine. We know how to deal with it. I don't know how to help Aaron. And I'm surprised and frustrated that the experts I thought would give us solutions haven't. There are just a lot of things...

I DIDN'T KNOW

1. I've discovered at least 3 different levels of stress:

        1. Something might be wrong (last summer)
        2. Something is wrong (i.e. we have a diagnosis, October)
        3. Something looks wrong (i.e. he looks sick, November).
     I can imagine there are additional levels, but I don't want to find them.

2. How hard it is to know who to tell what. When someone asks for an update, how much do they want? Which parts should I say? For a communications professional, I am finding this shockingly difficult.

3. Diagnosis is not fun. It is looking for a needle in a haystack, requiring lots of time and attention to detail, without any assurance of success. What's significant? What should we be tracking? For example, my headaches could be caused by: stress/tension, nursing, postpartum hormones, eye/vision problems, allergies, my daily meds, caffeine, high/low blood pressure, infection, a certain food, environmental toxins (??), sinuses, etc. So step by step, we work our way through the list...It's like a never-ending episode of House.

4. How time consuming it all is. I spend a good portion of every day on tracking symptoms, calls and emails with nurses and doctors and teachers, trips to the drug store and doctors offices and school, talking to insurance and paying bills, and of course caring for Aaron when he's unwell. I had no idea even the doctor visits could take so long: Friday, we left for an appointment at 9am and we didn't get home until 2pm.

5. Metacognition takes additional time. As our situation evolves, I find it difficult to process it all, to get perspective, or remember how I'm supposed to think about it. With each appointment or change in symptoms, I feel like I'm re-constructing my expectations, but I don't have quite enough time or tools to do it properly. This may explain why it's so hard for me to simplify our situation to others. Writing helps, so maybe this post will be therapeutic.

6. Sometimes the things you chose still overwhelm you. I've been realizing how often I judge others as if we should be able to perfectly calibrate our responsibilities to our capacities. But what if God has deliberately given you--or me--more than we can handle NOT as a sign that we've made bad choices but to humble us and force us into community -- with himself and others? Yes, we chose to have 4 kids. And I chose to teach/write this fall. And Josh chose a job with a lot of travel. And it has all overwhelmed me lately. But maybe for the first time in my life, I've realized that doesn't always mean those were bad decisions. Sometimes--I'm hoping rarely, but sometimes--we're supposed to bite off more than we can chew.

But enough about me. Let's get down to brass tacks...

WHAT WE DO KNOW

- Genetic testing confirmed Aaron's NF1 diagnosis. I've met a few stellar adults with NF that have helped me make peace with this.

- I think we are starting to feel like we have a handle on what the NF1 and chiari malformation diagnoses mean. There's more to do, but we generally know what needs to be done, except...

- Aaron's episodes (headache/vomiting) have accelerated at what I consider an alarming rate: from 1/month in Sept to 1-2/week in Nov. To my mind, that seems like his body is trying to tell us something, but so far we haven't figured out what (hence all the time on diagnosis).

- If we can't figure out a cause, we may end up just treating the episodes as migraines and wait to see if any other symptoms reveal the cause. This bothers me because:

     1) I worry we're missing something we need to address, 

     2) he could be on migraine meds indefinitely (he's only 7, and they have side effects), 

     3) he could still have these episodes even with the meds.

- The 3-month MRI of his head is Dec 29th. It should look the same as before.

BLESSINGS

Some days I lose sight of these things, so I need to keep lists of them...all around me... #countyourblessings

1. The nurse at our boys' elementary school is an old friend. She's probably the only school nurse I know, and she's at our school. #whataretheodds I am so thankful that she knows our family and understands the context for the various scenarios we are dealing with.

2. Now that we're trying to analyze these episodes, it's become very important that Aaron only tell us true information about what hurts where, etc. I am incredibly thankful that he's not one to embellish or malinger. In fact, in every case so far, what he has reported has proven to be true. 

3. I felt overwhelmed when trying to think how to set up childcare for weekday appointments. Then a friend set up a care calendar that did it all for me. What a weight lifted!

4. We just had a lovely week away at Thanksgiving, Katherine's baptism is coming up Sunday, and Christmas is around the corner -- all really wonderful and deserving diversions for us right now.

5. Each of our kids is doing well in school right now. I'm almost afraid to say it out loud. #dontjinxit

6. We are working with some great doctors, including our pediatrician and oncologist.
7. Katherine is eating solid food! Translation: I can be away from her for >3hrs! I love being with her dearly, but this is good news for both of us.
8. We know that God loves us and is at work in our lives, growing and stretching us. The #1 reason I have kept teaching and writing is to force myself to remember these truths every. day.

PLEASE PRAY for...

1. Aaron's episodes to stop. 

2. The MRI Dec 29 to show no change.

3. Josh's hip to heal without surgery.

4. Me not to have any more headaches.

Next Update: A Weary World Rejoices

Now What?

Now that we’ve had some more time to explore what’s going on, I wanted to post an update focused on a few main points: 1. Frequently Asked Questions, 2. The Grace We’ve Seen, and 3. Prayer Requests. (If you're already lost, you might want to read Hard News first.)

FAQ

What’s the latest?

- Chiari 1 malformation – The MRI showed an area of concern that could have required surgery, but the docs have decided it is not necessary right now. 

- Genetic test – Should come back in the next week to confirm the NF1 diagnosis. I have very mixed emotions; I don’t know which is worse – an NF diagnosis or whatever else could be causing the…

- Brain tumor/lesions – With NF they stay local and usually grow slowly if at all, so we’re waiting for the 3- and 6-month MRIs to see if there’s any change. Fast growth—which is unlikely—would signal malignancy and probably lead to chemotherapy.

- Headaches/vomiting - We think they're migraines, and we're working to manage them with medication. Their increasing frequency scares me.

At least it’s not cancer, right?

(Most likely it is not cancer, but we won’t know for sure until early 2017.)

Yes! Metastatic cancer would definitely be worse because it can spread aggressively. NF tumors stay local and usually grow very slowly.

But… Many cancer tumors are treatable (surgery, chemo, radiation) while NF tumors are not treatable. This has been the hardest part for me to swallow.

What’s the plan?

We had a spate of appointments in October to address acute issues. Now we're working on trying to understand and manage his symptoms. We'll have another round of appointments in December. We hope to have clarity on the current situation by the new year.

How are you doing?

The first two weeks I felt shock and grief. The third week I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. With the help of our sweet village, I feel like I’m coming out of that. I’m also starting to feel what I believe – that I can trust God’s plans for us. But I still hate headache days (like today) and feel a bit fragile.

How can we help?

1. Prayer is absolutely my favorite thing and always the best way you can help. If you have a sec to shoot me a text that you’re praying for us, it warms my heart. (Specific requests below.)

2. Childcare can be helpful when I’m trying to work through insurance issues, communicate with doctors and teachers, or go to appointments, but it’s probably best for me to text people specifically as the need arises. Please let me know if you're up for this. Don’t worry – I won’t dump all 4 kids on anyone. ;)

3. Meals are the easiest thing for someone else to do, but we’re covered for now.

The Grace We’ve Seen

Many of you have heard our hard news and felt the accompanying sadness, but you may not have seen the grace that God has planted along our path. So here are a few examples…

1. Josh travels a lot, but the night I found out, he was in the air on his way home for the whole weekend. This may sound small, but as I’ve learned since, being present together and on the same page makes all the difference in how we handle this.

2. On that first Sunday after we found out, Josh called our college friend (who is now a peds oncologist at Vandy Children’s) for advice. Turns out he is the one to manage Aaron's case. He instantly made a web of specialists and appointments accessible and navigable. I don't know how to thank him - or the God who provided him.

3. I cannot imagine walking this road on our own in a new place if we'd moved to DC last spring (as we expected a year ago), so I'm just thanking God again that we are here, near family, our church, and an excellent Children's hospital.

4. Walking through the Children's hospital, there are always reminders that we could have a much harder prognosis. And while it doesn't take away the pain, I do know it could be worse. I am beyond thankful that Aaron is such a beautiful, bright, happy, little boy! I am also incredibly thankful that he has a cheerful disposition that is not prone to fear or worry.

5. When I called the NF nonprofit to find another parent, they said the local chapter's annual walk was THAT Saturday at Warner Park (across the street from our house). I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be a sobering experience, but we did get some valuable information and contacts -- and clearly it seemed like we were supposed to be there.

6. Just this morning I found out an acquaintance is going back to work. Where? Children's Hospital. Oh really, what dept? I know there are hundreds... Pediatric hem/onc. "Our" dept. Which means there will be another familiar face on that floor. #whatweretheodds

7. Katherine is such a little sunshine for our family during this time. I love to see each boy's face light up when he sees her. We all want to hold her, check on her, and make her smile. Not that it was a question, but she is a constant reminder that God absolutely knows what he is doing, even when he surprises us.

Prayer Requests

1. Current tumors would not grow.

2. No new tumors would form, but especially around anything important.

3. That the headaches/vomiting would stop or we would figure out how to stop them.

4. Wisdom in managing his symptoms.
5. That we would know when/who/how to ask for help.

Next Update: Still in the Dark

Hard News

BACKGROUND

In May, soon after he went to bed one night, Aaron threw up a few times. I thought, Ugh! Here we go: stomach bug. But miraculously, no one else got it! (fist pump)

In June, soon after breakfast, Aaron turned white as a sheet, said his head was hurting, and then threw up a few times and slept all day. I thought, another stomach bug? And I cleaned liked crazy. Again, no one got it! (fist pump)

In July, same song, different month.

So while we were at his annual physical, I mentioned it to our pediatrician: How is it no one else is getting sick? Could this be migraines? He prescribed some meds and said, Probably, but let’s do an MRI just to be safe.

Happened again in early August, but nada in September. By October, it had been 6 weeks, so I was about to cancel the MRI when it struck again October 3rd. So we went ahead with the MRI on the morning of Friday, October 7^th. I hardly mentioned it to anyone since it was just a formality. Josh was out-of-town.

I woke up from a nap at 4:15pm that afternoon to a call from our pediatrician. The MRI results were back. Already?? And there was hard news. There was news?? There was news.

DIAGNOSIS

And it’s complicated. Too complicated for this blog. But all I really heard that night through all the reading and conversations was “tumors.” That word was slowly sending shock waves through me, turning me inside out.

It wasn’t until we spent the following Wednesday at the Children’s Hospital that I felt like we were finally getting a handle on what his diagnoses were.

Like I said, it’s complicated, but the headliner seems to be: Aaron has a non-contagious genetic condition called NF1 that causes mostly-benign tumors to develop, mostly in childhood/adolescence. Cases of NF are unpredictable and seem to fall in a very broad spectrum, depending on where the tumors appear and what they affect. 

Two things I have found especially difficult about this:

• Tumors. I hate that word. Even the doctors have all sorts of ways around it: gliomas, hamartomas, lesions, bright spots, etc. But when the fundraising nonprofit for your condition is called the Children’s Tumor Foundation, you know it’s unavoidable. We still don’t know their severity in Aaron’s case – so we wait for future tests and symptoms to bring clarity. And we pray that he doesn’t get any plexiform tumors, because those are the untreatable monsters that keep me up at night.
• Trying to reconcile in my head my beautiful, healthy, happy, intelligent little boy with these terrible realities and possibilities. It feels like a monster is threatening my child, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. It may not show up in all its ferocity. But I can’t assume that anymore now that I’ve seen its picture and know its name. 

Needless to say, it has been a really hard couple weeks. I almost feel like a wimp saying that, since no tragedy has actually occurred. There was no terrible accident or major surgery. Except for another migraine (post-diagnosis so this time it freaked me out to see him looking sick), Aaron is still as smart and healthy and happy as he was last week or the week before. Nothing has physically changed. So why does it feel like there’s been an earthquake and nothing is quite the same? How could these pictures (from the MRI) and words (from the doctors) have so much power that even writing this now, I have a physical reaction to it? But I do. I just do.

There is much more to say, about the shock we have felt, the ways God has shown grace, and the long road ahead, but I’ll save those for another day. Because this subject doesn’t have a nice little storybook ending. And I think that’s where part of my grief comes from -- the open-endedness of it. So I’m not going to wrap it in a bow here either. There is time for the bright side. Another day.

GOING PUBLIC

One more thing: I have really wrestled with whether to share this diagnosis so publicly. So if you’re concerned, it might help you to know…

Why am I telling you this? Because...

• I am finding the effort to hide what we are experiencing more trouble than it is worth. There’s no better way to become isolated than to hide the biggest thing that’s happening to you. And a wise friend warned me that secrets gain power from being secret.
• I’ve found there is no middle ground between “I’m fine” and “My son has brain tumors.” I’ve tried “It’s been a rough week” or “We’re dealing with some medical issues,” but they just make it obvious to the other person that I’m hiding something from them, they could actually imagine something worse than the reality, and I hate pushing people away. You might think, Who cares if you’re not close anyway? But what if I know her daughter has sickle cell anemia and we could bond over shared experiences in hematology? Or this other acquaintance has good advice on how to talk with the kids about it? But suddenly she knows more than our closer friends? It is remarkably difficult to know where the boundaries fall, who needs to know what. So we’re just doing the best we can.
• I believe that some people are called to live privately; that’s what they value and prefer. I totally respect that. I also believe some people are called to communication, and for better or worse, I am one of them. It kills me not to. Jen Hatmaker gives me hope that this will maybe not have dire consequences on my children. After all, God made me their mother. #blessthem #prayforthem
• I am hoping and praying that sharing this news will not hurt my kids but rather help provide the community and support we all need. I am optimistic that people will not think less of my son because he has this condition, and I am hopeful that it will not limit his future in the least.
• This FB group and my blog only reach people we know pretty well anyway, and I’m getting worn out trying to remember who all to call or email with updates. I considered CaringBridge, but that just creates a whole other thing to check, so why not use the platform I’m already on?
• I am learning and feeling SO much already that I really want to record and share, and I don’t see that letting up for a while. See #3.
• The kids know (out of necessity) and once they know, the cat’s pretty much out of the bag.

So rest easy, knowing that I’m already worrying about it for you, and we can both hope God’s still in control and He (or Josh) won’t let me do anything too dumb.

Next update: Now What?

Books for Elementary Boys

Last year, I posted lists of books our boys have loved (or not). Looking at it today, I realized I need to update with a new category, since our oldest (3rd grade) has exploded onto the early YA book scene. This has been really fun, but it's also hard to keep him stocked! (Thank you, McKay's and the library!)

If you're looking for books that might appeal to a 2nd- and 3rd-grade boy, these have worked for ours (and they're almost all series, which makes life easier). I should mention that my oldest is not easily scared, so you'll of course have to adapt this list to your own child's personality and tolerance...

Ballpark Mysteries by Kelly
39 Clues by Riordan
Hank Zipzer by Winkler
Gregor the Overlander by Collins
baseball books by Mike Lupica
Hardy Boys by Dixon
Artemis Fowl by Colfer
A Series of Unfortunate Events by Snicket
Inkheart Trilogy by Funke
Peter and the Starcatchers by Barry
Percy Jackson by Riordan
Goosebumps by Stine
Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Kinney
The Wingfeather Saga by Peterson
The Mysterious Benedict Society by Stewart
Carole Marsh Mysteries
Guardians of Ga'Hoole by Lasky
Jedi Academy by Brown
I Survived... by Trashes
Harry Potter by Rowling (we just did 1-4 so far)

Suggestions?

Too Many Baby Pictures?

Never. ;)

With the birth of each of our children, we've noticed (along with everyone else) that Denny newborns have a particular look -- something they all seem to share. When this proved true again with Katherine, I decided to pull together photos from each birth -- not only to see the similarities, but to remember each of them when they were brand-spankin' new.

The first 3 collages feature a photo from each birth, with Noah top left, Aaron top right, Isaac bottom left, and Katherine bottom right...

Fresh from the womb pics

Parents of 1...2...3...4!

 And now for pics of each not-so-newborn baby, just 'cause I like seeing them again...

Noah of the Open-mouthed Smile

For more, you can see posts from his first 6 months.

Aaron Head on Fire

And posts from Aaron's first 6 months.

Isaac of the Mohawk

And posts from Isaac's first six months.

And our newest edition, who gets more photos since she's having to share even her newborn posts with her brothers...  

Katherine the Pink

My Favorite Overnight Getaway

The food is mediocre, the AV equipment was broken, we only had one real twin bed (and its construction is akin to cardboard), our view was of a run-down brick building, the amenities tend to decrease with each visit, and I feel slightly ill the entire time I am there. Yet, after our fourth visit, this is still my favorite overnight experience, hands-down. How can that be? Let me show you...

'Nough said? Almost... (Of course I have more to say! After all, I'm a writer, not a photographer.)

Our first few days with each of our children has always been a mountaintop experience for me. Josh and I are tucked away in a hospital room with our new little offspring, falling in love with them and enjoying the elation that We got the baby out unharmed. I adore this time, cloistered from the real world, soaking in what she looks like, how she sounds, that she somehow knows how to nurse, that she can pee and poop into these tiny little diapers the size of a band-aid! Not to mention that I am not pregnant anymore (woop!). I just lie there in an automated bed, loving on my perfect new baby with my fabulous husband and eating whatever they bring me. It's bliss.

Which is not to say everything is actually that perfect; it's my mindset (or fatigue, or drugs) that adds the halo. So with a special effort, I will try to accurately record some of the details that defined our 4th stay on the maternity ward:

1. FOOD - Food tastes good when you're really hungry, and I get really hungry after labor and starting nursing, which is the only explanation for my enjoyment of these institutional meal trays. The hospital used to offer a full menu, and the quality was surprising. Now you pick between 2 pre-set meals, and they're on par with a school cafeteria.

But you know what? I didn't have to make them, or clean them up, and no one complained to me about them, so they were de-light-ful.

For Josh's part, the Children's Hospital has a decent food court, but he couldn't help getting wistful for the old Vandy McDonald's, where he could get a supersized hamburger for $2.

2. GOOOD FOOD - #1 means that we had extra appreciation for the two skillet-baked giant chocolate chip cookies a la mode that Josh's dad has brought from Bricktops after each birth. Josh was so excited, I took a picture of him taking a picture of them (left).

the short list

3. NAMES - These two days also give us a chance to Name That Baby! And for once, we already had a name ready and didn't change our minds - Go us! I've loved the name Katherine Grace since I can remember. It was my pretend name when playing house as a girl, and it's always been top of my list for a daughter.

Until it actually came time to name a daughter, and I panicked. Shouldn't we use an Old Testament name like the boys? Or at least a Bible name first? What if it's too popular? Or too old-fashioned now? Do I really still like something at 38 that I loved when I was 8 years old? And what would we actually call her? Will there be 5 Katherines in her grade? And hundreds of Katherine Dennys in her generation?

I wrestled with all of them, trying to love something more unique as much as I loved Katherine. And in the end, if Josh had loved something else, I would've switched, but we decided to go with our hearts rather than heads on this one. And I have no regrets.

On the "What are you going to call her?" question: For now, we're calling her Katherine, because the name is too new for me to give it up yet. I'm sure at some point - in school if not sooner - it's likely to morph into Kat, Kate, or Katie, but for now, I'm just enjoying that Katherine is no longer a figment of my imagination.

4. VISITORS - Maw-maw and Papa Ball happened to be in town for a conference, Gigi and Papa Denny had a clear Saturday (due to a wedding being cancelled! how many weddings are cancelled??), and my side of the family had just returned from my niece's graduation in Atlanta -- not to mention that Josh had flown in from D.C. the day before I went into labor. Plus my parents leave the country on June 29, so I know my mom had been earnestly praying for an early delivery. All of which means 1) my mom's got pull, 2) Katherine's timing was absolutely perfect, though it may have appeared to be 3 weeks early, and 3) they all got to meet her fresh-outta-the-womb little 6lbs of cuteness...

Gigi to Isaac: What are you going to call her?
Isaac: Superman BabyGirl.

5. MULTIMEDIA - I just love that my hubby so missed the word games we have played in the past on their closed-circuit TV station that he was up there, trying to fix their TV. It didn't happen, but isn't he cute trying?

6. SLEEP - If you're on social media, you know that we were horrified to discover the well-baby nursery only keeps babies for 1 hour of every 24. !?!?! In the past, we've sent the baby to the nursery during the wee hours of the night so we could get some sleep, recovering from delivery and preparing for the year ahead with an infant. They would still bring the baby back to nurse, and I've nursed them all for a year, so these 3-hour bits of parental sleep did not seem to interfere with breastfeeding in the least.

Katherine's first "bath"

A couple nurses claimed the baby should stay in the room so we could learn her "cues," but this ignores the fact that a newborn sleeps 23hrs a day and hasn't established regular cues yet, not to mention I will be learning those cues intimately starting the day we get home. Just a few of many reasons it seems ABSURD that hospitals are now claiming the baby needs to stay in the room to promote bonding/nursing. If you're gonna cut costs and charge me for taking care of my infant while actually making me care for said infant, at least be honest about it. Surely this is a pendulum reaching its limit before it swings back the other direction? For all you mommas with births in your future, I hope so!

And come to think of it, there is reason to hope. We chose to use our 1 hour of nursery after the midnight feeding, and the dear Peds nurses who worked those nights kept her until the next feeding, so we did at least get a 3-hour stretch of sleep each day. God bless 'em.

7. PICS - The "Most Improved" Award goes to the hospital photographer. She's not cheap, but she walked into our room the day after Katherine was born (Sunday), when I was in a hospital gown and had not showered in 36 hours and Josh was still wearing the same t-shirt from Friday, and without having any of us use a comb, lipgloss, bath, or even non-flourescent lights, she somehow managed to get pictures we were willing to pay an arm-and-a-leg for... (though still high on hormones and SHE'S HERE, we might've paid for pics that made Katherine look like Frankenstein). But even with 2 weeks of perspective, I can still say, she doesn't look anything like Frankenstein...

In fact, she looks just like a beautiful little Denny baby girl, or Superman BabyGirl, or Katherine Grace Denny, our sweetheart. And our first two days with her were a joy, because she was finally. here.

A True False Labor Story

Fooled Me Once...

If you're on social media, you probably saw my post on Friday evening, admitting that I'd been duped by false labor...

It was embarrassing, but I wanted to document it so we could look back and laugh. 

In fact, I came close to the same event with Isaac. I was 36weeks pregnant when my usual braxton-hicks contractions started getting strong enough that we dropped the kids at a neighbor's and headed for the hospital. But then they subsided on the drive in, so Josh and I went to Waffle House for a late-night snack and to see if they came back. They didn't, and Isaac was born 3 weeks later.

I was not eager to repeat this episode, but the problem--as anyone will tell you--is that EVERY LABOR IS DIFFERENT. It helps make the whole experience (and last month of pregnancy) so fun and exciting, but it's also what makes real labor surprisingly difficult even for a 4-time mom to identify.

But what threw everyone for a loop, was Josh's post 10 hours later...

Wait...What? I thought it was false labor? 

If you're interested in the skinny on how that produced a baby in 12 hours -- or you're just a sucker for birth stories like I am, read to your heart's content...but don't be surprised if it's TMI. I want a record for the baby book, so as usual, I'm writing more for us than for you. ;)

From the Top

8:40am - It all started Friday morning as I was getting breakfast with the boys: I lost the mucus plug. It's an odd little part of pregnancy that can happen hours or weeks before labor kicks in. I saw it a couple hours before labor began with Noah, but never noticed it with Aaron or Isaac. I texted Josh and my mom just to let them know it could be a sign--or not. Josh replied, "let me know if you feel any contractions!!!!!! the second you do!!!" and my mom packed a bag "just in case."

I continued to feel a little odd, with minimal appetite, more painless contractions, more "discharge" (as the OB folks call that vague stuff we leak during pregnancy from unknown origins for unknown reasons). But I went about my business... 

1:40pm - I felt a pop and watery fluid leak out. I texted Josh, who was on Skype with an interviewee when my message appeared on his screen:

I called the OB office, and based on my symptoms, they said I should head to OB Triage at the hospital. I was feeling really uncertain -- what was going on? The only other time my water broke at home, it was a gush deserving a towel, and then I didn't have productive contractions until they gave me pitocin 12 hours later. This was a small little gush, so could it be something else? But what? Or was my water leaking without breaking all the way? (I'd heard of this happening.) But even if this was for real, how long before we saw some progress down there?

Josh and Mom arrived, we re-packed for the hospital and changed our plans for Friday/Saturday (we were supposed to close on our old house at 4:30pm then take the boys to West Side Story at 7pm). Then I just paced in the family room, tracking my contractions which were frequent (3:20, 3:23, 3:28, 3:31...) but still painless. Finally, we left for the hospital so we could know for sure. 

Round One

4:30pm - We walked the halls until a room became available. The contractions were still frequent and stronger than usual, but not painful. Then the nurse came in to check my progress and deliver the bad news: I was 2.5cm dilated and 50% effaced, but my "bag of waters" looked intact. 

I was really surprised. And disappointed. And embarrassed. Even with my constant second-guessing, it had definitely felt like something was happening. In hindsight, I should have paid a little more attention to the dilation/effacement, since I don't usually do any of that until labor begins. But at this point, we were too focused on my waters...

So they dismissed us, and we started to spread the word: false alarm. :(

6:30pm - Then, in honor of our false start with Isaac, we set out for Waffle House -- except I spotted Cracker Barrel next door and suddenly HAD TO HAVE their cornbread. I'd lost my appetite all day but was finally able to eat a good meal -- which would serve me well...

I remember getting in the car after dinner and telling Josh, These contractions are not normal. They're definitely stronger. But I guess they could still go away... Plus, they were at irregular intervals now, so we drove home and went to bed early, exhausted.

One Way or The Other

9:30pm - Except that I could not possibly sleep. Josh was snoring next to me as I lay there in the dark, recording each contraction on my phone. They were continuing at odd intervals, so my mind was racing. Would they die down or pick up? When there was a 30 minute break around 11pm, I figured they were abating and took some Unisom to help me sleep. Besides, this was too early for me to be in real labor, right? I was only 37 weeks, and I've always had babies within 4 days of my due date... 

But then I'd have another contraction, and now they were uncomfortable. I called my mom, and she decided to come spend the night, just in case.

12:40am - I felt another little gush of fluid and the contractions seemed to reach a new level of discomfort -- of pain now. They were still 10 minutes apart, but the pain was getting to the point that I didn't care about the timing anymore. I woke Josh to say we'd better go back to the hospital. Real or not, I was going to need some drugs...

Still, they were 10min apart in the car, and I started wondering if I'd woken him too soon. I suggested maybe we should wait in the car to see if they got closer together. He just laughed and said, "You're in labor; we probably shouldn't stay in the parking garage." True. So we walked back to OB Triage for the 2nd time in 10 hours... 

Round Two

2:00am - And just like that, it was suddenly obvious that I was in labor. The nurse took one look and said I was 5cm, 100% effaced, and my waters were clearly broken. Plus, I was in pain. But also THRILLED. Ecstatic (at least between contractions). We WOULD get to meet Baby Girl today! Not another three weeks of waiting, TODAY! Woohoo!!

They put me in a wheelchair and rolled us to Labor and Delivery, where they found I was at 7cm. Then, they brought the drugs, and I was DE-LIGHTED to feel the pain ease, the relief spread, the rest settle on me like a blanket.

Dr. Weeks, me, Josh, and Cameron (overnight nurse)

6:00am - The contractions were getting stronger, breaking through the epidural's "protective wall" and the pressure was building. My OB (Dr. Amy Weeks, who was also my first OB when I was 20yrs old) was miraculously the one on duty, so she started to gather the troops for me to push. 

6:51am - It took 2 contractions worth of pushing, and there was the dark hair, the squawlky cry, and they were literally pulling Baby Girl out of me and up onto my belly, then chest. Instant skin-to-skin, where she stayed for 2+ hours. 

There is nothing like those moments when you finally meet the person who's been growing and hiccuping and elbowing you from the inside. It's a miracle. A life-changing, mind-blowing, heart-stopping miracle (that happens to millions of people each year, but still...). The journey that has been the last nine months is finally complete, and there she is: a teeny little human with all the parts, sucking her thumb on your chest.

Welcome to the world, Baby Girl.

Healthy with Symptoms

Pregnancy fascinates me. I don't always love being pregnant (see list below), but the fact that my body can just kick into gear, doing ALL SORTS OF CRAZINESS that I would never know needs to happen, is startling. I thought this was my body! I thought my brain was the boss of my body! (After all, I tell my boys this all the time.) Turns out, I'm quite the animal with instincts that don't depend on education and intelligence.

Maybe this explains why I feel the need to keep a record of the menagerie of symptoms. The length and scope of them is so easy to underestimate. After each pregnancy, I have looked back and wished I'd kept a list. Because I instantly seem to forget 80% of them once the baby leaves my body (preservation instinct, no doubt). Well, here's my chance...

I am starting this list on October 28th at 6 weeks gestation, and I plan to keep adding to it until - yeah, till labor.

But one more note before I do. I will say that one of the biggest perks of being pregnant BESIDES THE BABY of course, is that whatever comes up, whatever weird symptom appears that would have thrown me into a tailspin trying to diagnose the myriad and terrible causes and find a treatment now has this one, beautiful, healthy, self-resolved answer: I'm pregnant! No strange disorders. No cancer. No aging. It'll all be cleared up in a matter of months. It's fantastic.

And just to be clear, this list isn't meant to sound like complaints. I'm not "keeping a record of wrongs" against me. ;) I just really find it fascinating how comprehensively pregnancy affects a woman's body. I had no idea before I went through it. So I thought a list (of my symptoms - not everyone else's) might be enlightening or at least amusing for those who haven't faced it - or those who have.

With that in mind, here are the symptoms in the order they've appeared....

October 28, 2015 (6 weeks)

1. Soar throat. I've had one for weeks and couldn't figure out why the virus wasn't going away. Turns out it was heartburn already doing its dirty work, before I even knew I was pregnant.
2. Vivid dreams. I have the most pungent dreams when I'm pregnant. It used to freak me out but now I know it's chemical-induced and not some deep weirdness lurking in my subconcious (not that I'm above it).
3. Acne. I break out all over my upper body during the first trimester. You didn't want to know this, but this list is full disclosure so if you're queasy, stop reading now. It was the first thing that made me suspicious. Could I be pregnant? No. Of course not!
4. Abdominal twitch. I've never heard of this from anyone else, but my first symptom and dead give-away has always been this one muscle in my pelvis that hurts a little when I turn over or cough. Don't ask me why, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I woke at 6am yesterday realizing I felt that muscle with every turn. I got up, took a pregnancy test, and then stared at it with unbelieving, suddenly not-sleepy eyes for about 10 minutes.
5. No period. You'd think this would be the dead give-away. But I've never been very particular about details, and I knew I'd had one last month (Sept) so I wasn't worried about it. Turns out that was 6 weeks ago. Oops.
6. Low-level stomachache. I haven't hit the big-time yet. This stomachache feels more like stress. I'm in the midst of teaching right now, so at first I thought it was nerves. It's not. I'm also now remembering that it subsides when I'm out-and-about with people. So bring on the socials!
7. Hunger. I don't usually get hungry every couple hours. Or find my stomach growling with hunger while I am nauseous and have no appetite.
8. Sugar-averse. YES!! This is so unlike my usual self that it's a dead giveaway. I just wish it would stick! It only lasts for the 1st trimester, but during this period, I prefer plain wheat cereal, crackers, and brown rice.

Ok, this just struck me. How do all the symptoms seem to be showing up within 24 hours? I felt completely NOT pregnant on Monday. By Wednesday, I was totally pregnant. Was I in complete denial before? Or maybe it just shows we see what we expect to see? Or maybe it's those mischievous little prenatal vitamins I just started popping...

October 30, 2015

9. Coffee-averse. NOOOO!!! Sadly, yes. Coffee and chocolate just don't have their allure during pregnancy. I can't stand to walk into Starbucks. That all reverts back to sanity immediately after birth, but for now, pass me the water and shredded wheat.

November 11, 2015 (8 weeks)

10. Could Vomit On Cue. I'm in the thick of it now, which means about half the days I feel really nauseous and have to force myself to eat something so it doesn't get worse even though I feel like I could vomit at any moment. Hands-down the worst side-effect.
11. Uber Olfaction. My new super power. I can walk into a concert hall and tell you if someone has a cup of coffee. Our church actually serves free coffee. #helpme
12. Fatigue. I can sleep 10 hours, get up to send the kids to school, go back to sleep for 1-2 hours, get up for 4 hours, go back to sleep during nap time, get up for 5 hours, and hit the sack by 9pm. I'm not sure I'm ever truly awake. A small part may be that I've cut caffeine -- not from nobility but because I can't stand the taste of caffeinated drinks -- but I think it's 90% our little blueberry sucking up all my energy.
13. Sensitive Teeth. I've never liked ice in my water but now it's actually painful.
14. Dry Mouth. Apparently I'm sleeping with my mouth open, because when I wake, it is parched. #nodetailtoosmall
15. Interrupted Sleep. Sleeping at night presents multiple challenges, finding a position that soothes the nausea, heartburn, and gas while still allowing me to sleep. Plus, I have to pee 2/night. At my doc's recommendation, I tried Unisom last night. It was AMAZING except: I woke with a bladder AT ITS LIMIT and the fuzzy-headed dreamland doesn't just turn off with my alarm clock. I don't think it truly wore off till noon. #oops
16. Motivation-free Zone. I look forward to the day when my nesting instincts kick into gear, but for now, I'm content to lounge on the couch and stare into space.

January 13, 2016 (17 weeks)

Just after my last update (8wks), my OB said to cut my prenatal vitamins and take folic acid. That really helped with my nausea (and might explain why morning sickness seemed to start "overnight" at 6wks). However, I wasn't out of the woods by a long shot.

17. Gagging on Cue. Since November, the longer I am vertical (standing/sitting), the more I feel pressure building in my chest that makes me gag or dry-heave. It's awful, and I've never quite been able to figure out how to "treat" it. I've taken a regimen of heartburn, allergy, and cold medicines since it seems like it could be caused by indigestion (like the mother of all burps is always waiting to come out) or rhinitis (my nose is always stuffy). Nothing seems to help much. I have noticed caffeine makes it much worse. I still feel it often but it's steadily getting better. I think. #fingerscrossed
18. Rhinitis. The stuffy nose that comes from all the extra blood in my system. Afrin is my friend, but I try not to use it too much. I'm pretty sure this explains #14.
19. PMS. Or that's what it feels like. It's a terrible achy-ness in my abdomen like PMS cramps. Almost always follows the least exertion (once it was that I'd taken out the trash the night before, another time because I'd trimmed the bushes outside, another just walking/standing all afternoon). THIS is why I can't exercise when I'm pregnant. I HATE the consequences. It's scary and uncomfortable and the only cure is resting in bed for a few hours (not always convenient).
20. Cravings. I've had cravings for a while but I'm finally getting hungry enough to satisfy them. And the thing about pregnancy cravings is that when you finally get the food you've wanted, it tastes AMAZING. It is THE VERY BEST PASTRAMI SANDWICH I HAVE EVER TASTED. Lately, for me this has included cucumbers, strawberries, fritos, gummy worms, salty nuts, and sandwiches -- goooood sandwiches. I am a sandwich connoisseur: Merridee's chicken salad, Jersey Mike's cheesesteak, Noshville's reuben, and Frothy Monkey's buck are my current faves.
21. Weight Gain. #duh I'm now carrying around a turnip and all of her accessories. Plus the results of #19 and #20. So it's begun, and I made my first belly-induced trip to Motherhood Maternity last night. So long as I don't think about post-delivery, this part can still be fun. #denial
22. Hair. Confession: My hair has been thinning for over a year and it has totally freaked me out. I was afraid it was a side-effect of birth control, which is why we'd scheduled Josh's appointment last fall in the first place (and you know how that turned out). Well I'm off the pill AND pregnant which means I'm supposed to have thick, luscious hair again. Instead it just means it's not falling out as much. But it also means I am terrified of how I will look 3 months after delivery. Please do not let me see your horror if I'm wearing a wig before I'm 40. #seriously #vanityisreal

Finally, I want to give a 2-thumbs-up shout-out to my new best friend: Unisom. I think it's in the benadryl family. It comes in 25mg pills OTC, and I take less than 5mg (I basically cut off a crumb at the end), and it's enough to help me sleep through the night with only one pee break. I'm still a little groggy in the morning, but I'm not nauseous and I'm getting rest. Plus it's non-addictive. I recommend it to pregnant mommas everywhere. #hallelujahamen

March 11, 2016 (25 weeks)

23. The Food Blahs. Unless I'm craving it (in which case it tastes AWESOME), I'm mostly tired of eating food. Except that I still get hungry and mildly nauseous if I don't eat food. So I eat, but not the best stuff, and I often don't enjoy it. And to complicate things, what sounded good yesterday (all the asian salads at Trader Joe's) does not sound good today (a fridge full of asian salads from TJs). I've never cringed at so many leftovers. Josh needs to be home more so he can eat what I no longer want. Still, the following seem to be consistently attractive at this stage: orange-mango juice (i.e. nectar of the gods), cottage cheese & applesauce, any fruit, cucumbers, wedge salads (especially from Bricktops), deli-sliced ham, and all desserts (and here my self-control seems to be failing me -- I'm even eating chocolate again).
24. Heartburn. I had about a month off from this, but now It's BAA-AACK. As is Maalox.
25. Pillow Proliferation. I'm reaching the awkward-stomach stage where it takes an army of pillows to get comfortable at night. But when they're just right, bed feels soooo gooooood.
26. Caffeine is BACK BABY. Thank the Lord. I can now drink a weak latte to help me get through the day. Naps were starting to make nighttimes worse, plus I have too much to do in the afternoons, so this is a great mercy. It does increase my heartburn and nausea in the evenings, but it's worth it.
27. Warm. This is just the beginning (ugh). Nashville is unseasonably warm right now (70s in early March!), and already it makes me not want clothing to touch my skin. In March. June is gonna be fun....
28. Pink Passion. I'm still riding the wave of I-suddenly-love-all-things-pink. Pink Little Debbies, pink teddy bears, pink tulips, you name it. It doesn't hurt that I'm craving strawberries. You should see my buggy at the grocery...
29. Priorities. Somehow they change when I've got a baby. That may sound obvious, but I didn't know it would happen. Anyone else could look at me and think I'm having to give up things for this child, that it might feel like a sacrifice. I'm happy to assure you it usually does not feel like sacrifice. I don't care as much about travel or socials or whatever else I'm skipping to rest and protect this little one. And that instinct is a gift from God, because this attitude is not of my own making.
30. Nesting. I usually love me some change, but not so much while pregnant. Not knowing where we would live was driving me crazy. Piling up baby stuff in a corner of the guest room? Anxiety-inducing. Not having sold our house on the first day? You get the idea. Uncertainty or chaos are especially hard right now. I think that's another reason I was elated after we got the contract on the new house. I could finally start working and planning toward a visible future! And I cannot wait till April, when we can actually get everything in place in our new home, school, etc. In the meantime, I keep telling myself to Trust God, Trust God, He's still in control, He's still good, He's got this. #repeat

April 4, 2016 (28 weeks)

31. Tailbone of Death. Ok so maybe it's not actually killing me, but sitting without a pillow or with my feet up becomes excruciating, and getting up after... (insert theme music from Psycho here).
32. Swelling. My toes are already turning into sausages and my ankles no longer have any wrinkles (woohoo). It will gradually work its way up to my face, but for now, the only relief is to put my feet up, which brings on #31... #loselose
33. Heartburn Escalation. Now it's round the clock, makes me want to gag, gives me a tickle in my throat (don't think about that one too much - ick), and makes me not want to eat (which is really the only good thing that can be said for it). It also complicates my pillow situation at night, as I need to be practically sitting up to avoid the "burning hole in my heart" sensation, even while I'm trying to support my stomach, not cut off my circulation, and...you know...sleep. I've been using OTC meds, but I may have to call in the big guns (Rx) soon.
34. Warm. I won't say I'm hot yet - just that I've started eating ice and frozen vegetables again, and that's a sure sign that I'm in the 3rd trimester. Who eats frozen asparagus??? (hand raised)

June 3, 2016 (37 weeks)

Ok, so I'm cheating here a little--writing in retrospect--since i didn't actually know this would be my last day pregnant. It's been 11 days since then, and I already can't remember half of what I was feeling full-term (#momnesia is real), but here are a few things I definitely remember from that last trimester, in addition to all the stuff above, naturally...

35. The Circle of Pain. There's a smallish circle on the front of my belly (near the button) where the stretching seems to be the worst and it feels like the muscle is crying a little bit. This was actually much worse in past pregnancies, but I felt it a little around 36 weeks.
36.  Restless Legs. These drive me nuts - the constant urge to move them, the craving for a marathon or a massage, neither of which is usually possible. On the night after my parents' 50th anniversary party, my sister-in-law sat and massaged my feet with lotion for about an hour, and I think it was the most bliss I've felt in 9 months. Seriously. If only she would move in. ;) Short of that, I'd heard magnesium could help, but those supplements didn't seem to make a dent. The only control I found was trying to go to bed before I was too tired (the more tired I was, the worse this felt). Or, to his credit, Josh's massaging them, which he did many nights near the end (yeah, he rocks).
37. Eating Ice. I don't usually like ice in my water, let alone eating it, but the last two months of pregnancy, it felt like spring in my mouth -- cool, crunchy, refreshing, awesome. All of which has dissipated since giving birth, and now it's just too cold again (which my dentist will appreciate).
38. Mucus Discharge. This sounds a little gross, but really I just find it mysterious. Where does it all come from? And why? And how could so much suddenly appear just before labor???
39. Swelling Even More. Around May 23, it reached my face and I could finally feel my temples against my glasses. But by this point, I'd also discovered compression socks, my little heroes. If I put them on first thing in the morning, I could walk most of the day without feeling like I was stepping on unbreakable water balloons. The only downside? They're not the best fashion statement with shorts...
40. Cracked Heels. My feet have always been tough and calloused on the bottom, but during 3rd trimester, they reach a new low. So low I can't even get a pedicure for fear they will bleed. I can lotion till the cows come home, but the only real cure? Birth.
41. Gas. It was pretty constant. The boys LOVED how much Mommy was tooting, but Mommy did no so much love the discomfort, especially in bed at night. All that gas rolling around inside could also fake me into thinking the contractions were getting painful (labor?). Until it found its way out, and I felt like an idiot. A smelly idiot.
42. Peeing. Constantly. I could go 3 times in a row before bed and still wake several times a night. We went through toilet paper like nobody's business. I was seriously thirsty and drinking lots of water, but I also had a little girl sitting on my bladder with an occasional kick to send me scurrying. A full bladder could also fake me into thinking my contractions were getting painful (labor? see a theme?) - until I went potty and they seemed to disappear... I do not miss this one bit.
43. Anticipation. I can't leave this one out. The last month is just SO FUN for me. I don't usually have (or want) much drama in my life, but knowing this majorly wonderful, dramatic event is coming and not knowing how or when is possibly my favorite thing about being pregnant. I love that there will be a story, that we will have to mobilize friends and family, that we will wake up one day and suddenly have a daughter -- and that it could happen anytime!? Awesomesauce.
44. Solidarity. This started sometime during 2nd trimester, when it became obvious enough that I was pregnant for strangers to comment on it. I love this. I love that it is such a universal experience that it connects us to most humans on the planet -- that we can relate on some basic level and share in the joy and anticipation and birth stories and pregnancy woes, etc. It was especially fun when someone would ask if this was my first, and I got to say, "No, I have 3 boys at home, and this is a girl!" It never failed to produce a smile, a connection. And that's just fun.
45. Movement. I don't want to renumber everything, so I'm just gonna tack this on the end, because now I'm realizing I should've been tracking the bad and the good! Oops. But let's just agree, it goes without saying that feeling a baby move inside of you is a uniquely powerful experience, second only to meeting them for the first time when they finally come out.
46. Celebration. It can be easy to get mired down in how limiting pregnancy can be. I was exhausted most of this pregnancy and couldn't get through the day without a rest or feeling sick. Even the stairs inside my own house were daunting and left me breathless. So I was thankful for the few cultural artifacts out there that really celebrate pregnancy: Father of the Bride 2 (the movie), The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy (book), BabyMama (movie), What to Expect When You're Expecting (book and movie), and BabyCenter.com. When I needed to remember to enjoy this pregnancy, I'd crack one of these open and take a peek - lifted my spirits every time.

I'm sure there is more to say about it all, but now that it's over, I can admit a few things:

1. I slept on my stomach some last night, and it felt amazing.
2. I am chomping at the bit to exercise again - 5 more weeks!
3. Part of me feels sad watching that experience -- that season of life -- come to a close. It is incomparable, and I will miss the joy and community and dramatic arch that pregnancy brought to our lives: the announcements, surprises, excitements, and ultimately, family members. It was all well worth the discomfort, hands down.
4. That said, when I really remember how much harder it was the 4th time around, I am reminded that I do not need to try it a 5th. Seriously, God. This is it. Right?