Our Little Lentil

So back on October 23rd, I posted about how I was going to write all the things about all the issues, and then... nada, for months. What? What happened? Well, I got a little...distracted... ;)

(Written on Oct 28th but delayed for publication)

Y'ALL. Y'all. You will not believe. I am 38-years old. Our oldest is 8 and our youngest is out of diapers and dropping his nap. We have been moving into elementary-years mode and loving it. I could taste "effortless" travel-as-a-family on the horizon. I have a group of young moms on Tuesday mornings who let me hold their precious babies to get my fix. I've given away everything under 3T, including our crib. I've been moving on and not looking back.

FULL STOP.

Till yesterday. At 6am, when I got the shock of my life.

Granted, there was about a 3% chance of this happening, but it felt like no chance. I assumed it was no chance. We had an appointment to make it no chance in September, but then someone's travel got in the way (ahem) and said appointment got pushed back to November. Which left us with that little window of opportunity that I did not consider in the least.

It was enough.

SERIOUSLY.

We're pregnant. I am pregnant. There is a baby coming.

(gasp) (deep breath) WHAT!?

Yeah. Josh is in England. When I found out yesterday at 6am, I was about to speak to a crowd of 100 people in 3 hours. And I'd just had a bomb dropped on my brain. I thought I could wait until the end of the week to tell him in person. That was delusional. By 12:30pm I was texting him with what I thought was a gentle hint. It went like this:

Me: "So you know that muscle in my abdomen?" (that harbinger of pregnancy that has always alerted us first to the big news??) "It's hurting."
Josh: "Really?"
Me: "Really"
Josh: "This could be a big ride. How do you feel?"
Me: "Yes indeed. Shocked."
Josh: "Do you have any tests?"
Me: "Yes"
Josh: "Did you take it?"
Me: "Yes"
Josh: "So I guess that means you are pregnant?"
Me: "I guess so"

This was me breaking it to him slowly, giving him time to arrange his face. He got to the point a little faster than I expected. But his next comment? "I really want to tell someone." Yeah, me too.

You know what? It took me less than 12 hours to switch from total shock and confusion to making OBGYN appointments, browsing baby names, and finding out that it's the size of a lentil. Our little lentil.

I even watched Father of the Bride 2 at the end of the day to celebrate (works. every. time.) and was a little embarrassed to find that this time I related more to Nina Banks than her adorable daughter Kimberly Paisley. AND George and Nina were on the brink of an empty nest, while we were just looking forward to everyone being in elementary school. So we're way young, apparently.

But you know what really got me from shock to excitement? There is the "no going back" fact, but it really wasn't that. It was our Bible study from last year called "Stories of Redemption" where we walked through the women of the Old Testament and saw how God uses everything for the good of those who love him. We saw how God defines "redemption" as "making things better than if they'd never been broken." I'd read and studied and discussed and taught it all year long.

So now, I just kept thinking, Even if we brought this on ourselves, God will make it good for our family. And there's always the possibility that he nudged the circumstances to slip in through that 3% window. I'd always liked the idea of leaving a little room for God to override us. Well, maybe he did. But even if it was just us, I can trust him for redemption. I can believe that this will be good for us.

And I can be excited about it. I am excited about it. That was yesterday, and I'm already getting past the letting go of my plans and falling in love with this little person-to-be, this new Denny. Maybe it's hormones. Or instinct. But in my head, God is using his promises to give me peace and joy that I'm not sure I would have reached this fast otherwise.

I'm not going to pretend it was always our plan. But I will thank God that his plans are way better than our plans. We will have a whole other chance to experience this, the greatest of adventures in my life so far. But for now please excuse me while I go back to eating waffles and browsing babycenter.org nonstop...

---- That was two months ago, and it already feels like a distant memory. WE ARE SO EXCITED and are having SO much fun watching this little BLESSING grow in my belly. We can't wait till June. It's ALL good. (Should I add a few more caps? Can I say it any clearer?)

All of which made me wonder whether to keep the above essay, let alone post it. Would I want this child to read it someday? But then I realized that this is exactly the sort of thing someone needs to talk about. That if we can't even acknowledge a surprise, or a few hours of shock, then isn't that just setting up the kind of taboo I was railing against in Ask Me Anything -- one that keeps people from reaching out, working through their own shock to see the blessing? Is it really worth trying to cover up how this all began?

Or is that a part of our family's crazy, dramatic, God-ordained story? I've also been encouraged by friends who knew they were surprises AND felt incredibly loved, cherished, and part of God's plan. Knowing our family and community, I cannot imagine this girl will feel anything but precious.

But I'm pretty sure there are folks caught off guard by a big turn of events that they didn't see coming, and being able to testify to God's ability to provide peace and blessing through the unexpected is worth sharing. So here it is, the very beginning of the most happy-exciting ride for our family, and it's just getting started. And now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm hoping to record some of the fun - soon.