A Weary World Rejoices

As you may have noticed (Still in the Dark), December had a rough start. I was disillusioned with medicine, scared for Aaron, overwhelmed by the new demands on me, and discouraged by my own inadequacy. (Sound familiar? see Fighting the Fog). Thank the Lord the last few weeks have been better. Here's how each of those things has evolved...

1. Disillusioned with Medicine - It is still true that doctors can help us far less than I expected and most of the work of diagnosis and treatment seems to be on me. However, we've had some good news lately. For example, we've figured out the culprit behind my headaches: sinuses. Even though I don't have a history of sinus issues and I haven't had any congestion, sinus medicine is the only thing that works, and it's benign, so we're going with it. Yay for no migraine meds and finally being able to think clearly again! Well, except for the momnesia... #clearisrelative

2. Scared for Aaron - His 3-month follow-up MRI looked the same as the original. This was great news. His increasing episodes had me terrified that we would see growth. I am immensely relieved that the scariest scenarios are off the table. He'll have another MRI in 6mo, and if it's the same, just 1/year. Weight lifted. Praise God. 

We're still working on figuring out the episodes, but once we have explored the major causes we can think of, we will just have to move forward with treating the symptoms and praying they go away.

3. Overwhelmed by the New Demands - In preparing this post, I went back and read When We Have to Helicopter again. Startling how often I have to re-learn the same lessons. In this case, it is every time parenting pushes a little further into my personal space. Those seasons when covering the basics (fed, clothed, loved) just isn't enough. All my selfishness, laziness, and fear rear their ugly heads.

Our travel this Christmas actually reminded me why I need to lean in to parenting, again. I was already stressed (see #2) when I started questioning my decision to haul all 6 of us in sub-par health to another state for the holiday. But then it hit me: we weren't going because it's easier or more fun for me. We were going because we love our relatives, we want to see them face-to-face, we want them to bond with our children, and Christmas is one of the few times we can do all of that. We can tell all those relatives we love them from afar, but if we don't sacrifice a little and show up sometimes, it'll be a pretty flimsy sentiment. 

The same is true for my kids. I can say "I love you" till the cows come home, but if they don't see me willing to go out of my way to do what's best for them, it won't mean much. That said...

This is us, on break, having fun, ignoring the hard stuff. ;)

4. Discouraged by My Inadequacy - I've always had a hard time creating new habits, even when I believe they would be good for me/us. It is embarrassing how little my boys practice piano between lessons or study scouts between meetings. I have old-lady, days-of-the-week pill boxes and still sometimes forget to give/take medicines. And my various attempts to disciple my children in Bible-reading or scripture memory never last beyond a week or two. (Maybe if we string them all together, it'll look like a program?) I can't even imagine what a terrible home-schooler I'd be. How many times have I half-started a gluten-free diet? It is just remarkably hard for me to change our family routines or stick to new plans, to include all the elements of life that might be good for my kids in a regular week. And I feel terrible about it.

But sometimes, enough is enough. Getting them to swim lessons and talking about the Bible and buying them all gloves is already showing them love and there just isn't enough of me to do much more. Reminds me of Facing the Mommy Guilt Head-On (yes, another lesson I'm re-learning). God made us their parents. He gave us these 4 kids. And we have the resources to do what they really need without killing ourselves in the process (I'm channeling Parenting 001 here, one of my favs).

This time around, Christmas brought this lesson home. I found my heavy fears would lift a little when I looked at our beautiful Christmas tree, or turned on some Christmas carols, or made Christmas cookies. It was like a ray of sunshine and joy shining into the darkness. 

And I thought, How perfect. That's exactly what Christmas is supposed to be: a celebration of how God came to free us from our legalistic inadequacy. Of course I am weak and selfish and never all I want to be. The joy of Christianity is that it teaches us God is using even my weakness to do great things, to redeem my family, to make it all work together for good. 

I don't have to be the embodiment of Martha Stewart and Paul Tripp. I cannot be enough to save my family from a broken world. But I can show them what it looks like to be weak and selfish and lean on Jesus and pray for strength and practice selflessness when I remember. Because the fact is, they too will be weak and selfish and they will need to see how to cope with that. Maybe I'm their model for seeing that God really loves sinners. Now that is a job I can do.

What You Can Do

I know you're all busy with your own lists, so just whenever God brings us to mind, please pray...

1. That Aaron's vomiting episodes would stop. 

2. That Josh's hip would heal.

3. That we would know where to spend our time/energies/money on helping our family members thrive.

4. That we would remember and communicate to our kids the grace and redeeming power of God.

Next update? Settling In