Wish I'd Known: Kindergarten

Parenthood has to be the biggest and most important project I've ever tackled, and it's the one for which there are no degrees, orientations, or continuing ed.

Thankfully, I'm in a multi-generational community at our church, so I've spent a lot of time pumping moms with older kids for info. Which is why I'm starting a new series here: Wish I'd Known. The schedule will be: whenever I get a relevant piece together.

Today's the first installment: Kindergarten!

This milestone should come with a red flag saying, Alert! You're about to enter a new phase of parenthood! I discovered this first-hand 6 years ago, so a friend* and I put our heads together to come up with a cheat sheet for parents. To keep it concise, I'm gonna let it sound bossy. Just take what works for you, discard the rest. Here goes...

The First Week of School

1. Model Excitement. You're anxious about your school choice, the teacher they got, their ability to succeed. HIDE IT ALL. Put on a smile and act excited. Trust me. You'll both feel better, and they'll feel more secure.

2. Enjoy the Honeymoon. And know that's what it is. Hopefully, your child will love school at first. They feel so big! Don't be shocked when they wake up one day and realize they have to go even when they don't feel like it. Their sudden change of heart does not mean you made the wrong choice or they are being mistreated -- it means they're human and still getting used to their new normal. Just wait it out. And remember the same for yourself; you'll learn to love the new normal, too.

3. Expect Fatigue. It may be disguised as grumpiness, hunger, or misbehavior, but generally kindergarteners are exhausted the first few months of school. It can take until Halloween for their brains to adjust to this level of activity. Even if they were in all-day daycare, the pace of kindergarten is different. They'll rise to the challenge and be fine; don't freak out that they've suddenly turned into a black sheep.

4. Feed Them. Depending on their lunch/snack schedule, they may come home depleted. Sometimes it makes more sense to feed them dinner at 4pm and a snack before bed - just until they get through #3. Once they've fully adjusted to the new schedule, they can fit back into a 3-meal-a-day routine.

5. Clear the Schedule. To the degree possible, don't sign up your new kindergartener for fall extracurriculars. See #3. They'll have plenty of time to learn all the things the rest of their days.

6. Meet the Teacher. A few ground rules:
1) Go to "Meet the Teacher" night, but don't tell them your child's life story there.
2) Email or call them in the first few weeks to let them know you want to hear about any issues that arise around your child (i.e. I won't get defensive or irate if you tell me they're having problems).
3) Tell them if your child has relevant quirks. Don't hope your teacher won't notice -- prepare them and give tips for managing them.
4) Meet the support staff, too. The school admin, nurse, principals, etc can all play a role in your family's school experience. Take a few minutes to meet them, and don't forget them at Christmas or end of school.

As Time Goes By

7. Study Their Personalities. After school, you might find an introvert needs quiet/alone time, while another wants to download all the words immediately, and another just wants 10 minutes of cuddling. Try to fill their buckets before the melt-downs ensue.

8. Adjust Your Routines. Whether it's food (#4), after-school routines (#7), or home organization, pay attention to the times stress pops up repeatedly and see if small changes could alleviate those bottlenecks. My kids kept forgetting snacks (shouting, mad dash back to the pantry), so I put a bench with a drawer by the door and filled it with snacks. They were suddenly using the front door to come/go (b/c bus), so we put hooks nearby for jackets/backpacks. For one child, we got laceless shoes because tying them in the morning was 👹. Finally, giving ourselves an "extra" 15 minutes in the morning can make the whole day start off smoother (and doesn't really effect sleepiness).

9. Teach them Independence. They don't know how to handle homework or folders or lunches or alarm clocks. But this is your chance! Teach them now, enjoy forever. Give them an alarm clock. They're so big now! 😈 Discuss lunch options (maybe create a schedule for what they pack every Monday, Tues, etc), and teach them how to pack it themselves the night before (or let them buy it🙋). Same for folders, homework, projects, etc. Help them create healthy routines for getting that stuff done, but don't take over. The more you let them have ownership of their schoolwork from the start, the less they'll expect you to be their admin asst. (i.e. They forgot to bring you their folder one night? Their fault, not yours.) Just remember they don't innately know how to be responsible. #coachmom

10. Focus on Growth. If your prayers for school are all about having fun, and your first question after school is "Did you have fun?" What will your child think the point is? FUN.🙅 Be deliberate. Talk about all their chances to learn and grow and become stronger and wiser and kinder at school. Ask how they were brave today. Is there a time they showed kindness? What's 1 new thing they learned? All the research says don't tell them they're smart (they'll become afraid of disproving it), tell them they're capable, they can learn and work hard and show grit. Also, encourage their "best work" -- regardless of the grades it gets.

11. Meet the Parents. Your kids will be in classes together for years to come. Might as well find a few moms you can text along the way. Think carpools and homework questions and "When is the book fair again?" Just don't feel like you have to run the school your first year there; room mom is fine, but save PTA for once you have some experience under your belt.

12. Meet the Kids. Invite a new school friend over for a playdate and/or volunteer to help with a class party. And pay attention to the class dynamics. Once they've settled into school -- after Christmas -- sit with them for lunch in the cafeteria. The more you observe, the more sense your child's stories/behavior will make. Still, don't assume your child's reporting on their teachers or classmates is accurate. If something sounds alarming, ask the teacher what happened. Never accuse. You will be amazed how easily your child can misinterpret the facts.

13. Embrace Challenges. See #10. Remember the point of school is not to be easy or delightful. As your child encounters problems, help them see opportunities to grow and learn. This is why they are there -- not just to learn math and reading but also social skills and problem solving. For example, when my child had difficulty with a classmate on the playground, we talked about "stop, run, tell" = 1) ask the kid to stop, 2) run away to another area, 3) if they follow you, tell an adult. We coached and role played at home, but then they had to practice it at school. #lifeskills

14. Pray for them, their classmates, their teachers, etc. It's good for the soul.

15. Enjoy your Time! As we've switched to the elementary schedule, I've noticed I have more time to myself 🙌 8am-3pm, and then it's off to the races with snack, homework, extracurriculars, dinner, bedtime. This balance has been much better for my mental health than the preschool years. I enjoy evenings, weekends, holidays, and summer so much more now that we're not together 24-7. Take a moment to recognize this change and live. it. up. ;)

*My friend Rachel was a kindergarten teacher, has sent 3 kids to kindergarten, and is just very organized and articulate = the perfect partner in this endeavor. Hope you found our notes helpful!