How Much Does Parenting Matter?

(Note: I wrote this in Feb 2014 but I'm just now getting around to publishing it...19mo later)

At least once a week, I see another piece in the media regarding the age-old question: How much does parenting affect children?

As a parent, of course I'm interested in the answer. In such a free, peaceful society, we parents have tons of choices to make for our kids, especially:

A. How many kids should we have?
B. What should we do with our kids?
C. What should they see us doing?

(Note: In general, this conversation seems to center around comfortable, American, two-parent homes. Though some of the arguments below apply to variations on that theme, some do not.)

In my experience, the two camps on either end of the debate are:

CAMP #1: A TON.
These folks put their faith in nurture, and lots of it. The most famous members of this camp include those who...

A. Blame all of our problems on our parents (all therapy eventually leads back to mom or dad -- some of it well deserved, see #4 below), or  

B. Are Helicopter Parents (hovering over their children, micromanaging their lives to protect them and promote them).

These folks cite research that shows how every little thing could have an incremental impact on their child. It can be comforting to think there's a formula to guarantee your child will "succeed," but it can also be totally stressful, because now that means there's only one right answer to every choice AND you're responsible for their choices. I see this over-analysis applied to everything from what kind of milk people drink to what kind of preschool they choose (for an amusing example, check out Nursery University).

The blind spot here seems to be the research on how parental stress affects kids. Plus the opportunity cost; to what degree is it worth spending your time making food from scratch vs. spending that time building your relationship with your kids? And now the actual outcomes: Are the kids better adults? This article argues they are not.

CAMP #2: NONE.
Well, not "none," but "less" doesn't rhyme. Here, it's all about nature (genes, not trees). Again I see two categories of folks:

C. Naturalists who criticize the plethora of parenting books/philosophies and eschew ALL of them with confidence that parenting is "common sense" so there's no point learning, researching, or reading about it. (Except they can usually name several friends who aren't doing it well.)

D. Laissez Faire Parents who figure so long as the kids are fed, clothed, and schooled, they've done their job.

These folks cite research showing that kids usually end up like their parents, so they jump to the conclusion, Why bother trying to engineer something different? or It worked for me, didn't it? 

CAMP #1.5: SOME.
As in so many areas, I believe the truth lies somewhere between the two camps. The difficulty is in trying to figure out how it all fits together. What should I worry about, what does make a difference, and what can I ignore?

Here's where I am right now: We matter, but maybe more or less than we think, depending where we started. Profound, eh? But to be more specific, here's what I've gleaned from my reading so far (with a few measly citations because I don't have time to go back and find them all):

1. Who we are matters more than what we try to do for our kids. (ex. The fact that I'm a big reader is more likely to make my boys big readers than just me reading to them or buying them books - not that those are bad things, just less impactful.)
2. Our parenting has a relatively small impact on our kids' educational and monetary achievement in life (whereas our own educational/monetary achievement has a bigger impact, see #1). See also this podcast or read this article to scan the tip of this iceberg. 
3. The areas where we have the greatest measurable impact? Drinking, smoking, how we treat others, and worldview (i.e. religion here and here, and security). Ex #1: If the parents drink socially, the kids are more likely to drink (they're also more likely to become alcoholics than if their parents abstained). Ex #2: If you're rude to servers, so will they be. Ex. #3: If you're a hypocrite, they're less likely to stick with your religion (see #1 again).
4. Love matters. A lot. There's plenty of data showing that cruelty, abandonment, or a lack of love -- whether through permissiveness, abuse, or neglect -- does terrible damage to a person's psyche. Dan Allender says all kids are asking their parents two questions: "Do you love me? and Can I do whatever I want?" If the answers are "yes" and then "no," you're on the right track.

Ultimately, I find most of this research encouraging - and a remarkably good fit with what I see in the Bible. As parents, we do make a difference in the lives of our kids, but not so much through all the tiny decisions about what kind of ____ to buy them or which summer camp to choose. We make the biggest differences in their lives by being the kind of people we want them to become (in my case, dependent on the grace of God), loving them well (including setting limits), and then letting them explore, fail, and become their own people through their own choices - and consequences.

If nothing else, my reading has confirmed in my own mind that good parenting does not mean agonizing over little things like whether to eat organic or whether to enroll them in karate. It should have less guilt and more perspective than that. On the other hand, decisions that build our relationship or their character are valuable endeavors. I'll let you know if I still agree with myself in about 25 years...