If he was tall, she was petite. If he was street smart, she was book smart (and lost, literally). If he was extroverted, she was introverted. If he was seizing the day, she was saving for a rainy day. He was interested in history, trains, and business. She was interested in foreign language, philosophy, and education. What on earth did they talk about when they were out on a date in their teens and twenties?
I have no idea.
Which is why the past 50 years is no small miracle. People say "opposites attract" as if that were natural (more like a recipe for combustion). It's probably true that opposites--especially while young--do attract. But that attraction doesn't necessarily survive the reality of living with someone who is such a different animal.
I've had the privilege of observing their relationship up-close for nearly 40 years, and I've come to believe there are at least two major reasons their marriage--their love--has thrived through the decades.
1. They both fell in love with Jesus early in their marriage. It was the 70s, so they probably even called it that (I can hear Keith Green in my head as I type this). Mom first, and it transformed her. Dad saw the transformation, and soon followed her lead. All in. Ever since, they have been all in with Jesus. Studying the Bible, letting it transform their hearts and thoughts and attitudes, their parenting and friendships and...you got it: marriage.
Jesus softened their hearts. His love allowed them to be vulnerable with each other, to rely on truths more central than happiness, to put each other first, and ultimately to grow more balanced and gentle with the years, rather than more bitter or extreme. It also gave them a community to support them in all of the above.
I do not believe my parents would still be together if they hadn't become Christians. Romantic, eh? But 50 years of loving each other well is not about romance. It definitely helps that they started in love and worked to keep it year after year (see #2), but there are plenty of seasons when there aren't any violins playing, and the only thing keeping you together is the certainty that God wants you to stay together, that He will make it good for you both in the end.
2. They have each chosen to make the other their priority, bending in order to be closer together. As Jesus has been working on softening their rough edges, they have always been on the lookout for ways to enjoy each other. Dad loves trains, Mom loves French -- they take trains through France! She loves intimate conversations, he loves social gatherings -- they host small parties! She picks his haircuts; he picks her clothes (well, a few of them anyway). Some years, she did all the cooking. Others, he took over the kitchen. Even as I brainstorm concrete examples, I realize it's impossible to capture how they have consistently chosen thoughtfulness and togetherness over pride and independence. They choose to see the best in the other, to celebrate the other, and to be faithful when they wouldn't have to be.
Could their marriage have survived without #2? Maybe. But then they would just be roommates. Probably angry roommates. And if you've ever been around them, they are not roommates. He still sees her beauty. She still sees his handsome. They are truly happy together, and they are easy to be around.
And I am convinced it is partially because of their differences. They balance each other. If Mom had married someone with similar interests or strengths, would she have become more extroverted over time? If Dad had found another social butterfly, would he be as wise and reflective? Would their house have found that comfortable spot between his messy and her neat? Would their lifestyle still have some economy, some enjoyment, and lots of generosity?
With each passing year, I see another friend struggle in their marriage, wondering if it is worth the pain and sacrifice to work it out, to stay together, to rekindle love. Every time, I think of my parents. How many opportunities did they have to find someone more like themselves? To go seek greater happiness or less sacrifice? To hope for easier?
And then I think about all the years of happiness I've seen them share because they kept on keeping on. All the fruits of their labors. I don't know if there is a better legacy to leave than hearts transformed by Jesus and life-long love. And it's not just their hearts that have been transformed -- it's all of ours who have known them.
Which is probably the legacy they would rather me talk about, because their kind of intentional love doesn't stop at the boundaries of their marriage -- it leaks into every relationship. The gentle and radical influence of Jesus, and selflessly looking for the best in others? When you do it at home, you wind up doing it elsewhere.
As their 50th wedding anniversary has approached, I've been trying to figure out how to honor them and their marriage. They have moved so many times around the country, that there's no way to gather their friends from each season in the same state, let alone the same room.
So I've decided to put this out there. As a testimony that I have seen life-long, selfless love that honors both of the greatest commandments. It is real. It is possible. It is worth fighting for. And in the long run, it is beautiful. And someday, I am confident that they will get to heaven, and all of the people they have loved and influenced and inspired through the years will finally be in the same room to tell them so.
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