If there is one general area of raising a family that I had overlooked before becoming a parent, it is the deliberate creation of a family identity -- probably because I never recognized it in my own childhood; I just took it for granted. No longer.
I'm learning from experience, friends, research and reading that creating a strong, healthy sense of family -- an identity to which our 5 members belong -- is incredibly valuable to each member of that family, and it requires some intentionality. At least it does for me.
So that I remember them, and in case they're helpful for you (this is not your to-do list -- it's gonna look different for everyone), here are a few of the lessons I've been learning over the past year...
1. Talk about us. Especially with boys, it's better to be explicit about what it means that we're a family -- no assuming. I've started saying [really cheesy] things like, "...because We Are The Dennys!" We talk about how "you will always be brothers" (which is a good thing 😜) and "that's how our family works" and "we're on the same team." And they eat. it. up. Someday, I'd love to collaborate on a family mission statement, but for now, this is enough.
2. Share the history. Research has shown that sharing stories/pictures from your and your family's past helps kids feel more secure. It shows them they come from a long line of folks who've been up and down and all over the place - and that's OK. There is freedom in our family to be whoever God made you to be. They can find confidence in that. It also helps create bonds with relatives, as we encourage our kids to ask them questions about their childhoods, professions, etc.
3. Communicate with relatives. I want my boys to talk to me when they're all grown up. Not every day, but often enough that I know they're still alive. So I'm trying to train them to write/FaceTime/call/etc with our relatives -- and model that myself. It takes a lot of time (we are blessed with a lot of relatives) and balance (we can't call them all every week), but it's time well spent: an investment in those precious relationships -- and in my future mental health.
4. Prioritize us. All for one and one for all. Seriously. We each support each other, and set aside our own interests when another is in need. Right now, that means Noah gave up swim team this summer because Isaac needed a morning nap. Aaron is not doing extracurriculars this fall, because Noah needs to stay home after school for the first 2 months of kindergarten. We don't apologize that we each make sacrifices for the other; we celebrate it. We're in this together, and the truth is, we gain far more from each other than we ever give up.
5. Celebrate and repeat. This may be the most obvious, but I've also found it easier than advertised. There are tons of suggestions out there for new traditions - some great. But I've found most of our favorites have developed organically, and they're not rigid. We don't spend every Saturday going for a run and then brunch, but we do it more than we don't. And we didn't set out to open birthday presents first thing the morning of, but it happened and we liked it. I researched all sorts of household management schedules for daily chores, but then I found my own rhythm that fits our lives in this season. We keep alert to opportunities to celebrate or try something new, and the ones that click, we repeat. Fortunately, I've also seen these don't have to stay the same. But we don't want them all to disappear either. It just takes a little...attention and intention.
I'm learning from experience, friends, research and reading that creating a strong, healthy sense of family -- an identity to which our 5 members belong -- is incredibly valuable to each member of that family, and it requires some intentionality. At least it does for me.
So that I remember them, and in case they're helpful for you (this is not your to-do list -- it's gonna look different for everyone), here are a few of the lessons I've been learning over the past year...
1. Talk about us. Especially with boys, it's better to be explicit about what it means that we're a family -- no assuming. I've started saying [really cheesy] things like, "...because We Are The Dennys!" We talk about how "you will always be brothers" (which is a good thing 😜) and "that's how our family works" and "we're on the same team." And they eat. it. up. Someday, I'd love to collaborate on a family mission statement, but for now, this is enough.
2. Share the history. Research has shown that sharing stories/pictures from your and your family's past helps kids feel more secure. It shows them they come from a long line of folks who've been up and down and all over the place - and that's OK. There is freedom in our family to be whoever God made you to be. They can find confidence in that. It also helps create bonds with relatives, as we encourage our kids to ask them questions about their childhoods, professions, etc.
3. Communicate with relatives. I want my boys to talk to me when they're all grown up. Not every day, but often enough that I know they're still alive. So I'm trying to train them to write/FaceTime/call/etc with our relatives -- and model that myself. It takes a lot of time (we are blessed with a lot of relatives) and balance (we can't call them all every week), but it's time well spent: an investment in those precious relationships -- and in my future mental health.
4. Prioritize us. All for one and one for all. Seriously. We each support each other, and set aside our own interests when another is in need. Right now, that means Noah gave up swim team this summer because Isaac needed a morning nap. Aaron is not doing extracurriculars this fall, because Noah needs to stay home after school for the first 2 months of kindergarten. We don't apologize that we each make sacrifices for the other; we celebrate it. We're in this together, and the truth is, we gain far more from each other than we ever give up.
5. Celebrate and repeat. This may be the most obvious, but I've also found it easier than advertised. There are tons of suggestions out there for new traditions - some great. But I've found most of our favorites have developed organically, and they're not rigid. We don't spend every Saturday going for a run and then brunch, but we do it more than we don't. And we didn't set out to open birthday presents first thing the morning of, but it happened and we liked it. I researched all sorts of household management schedules for daily chores, but then I found my own rhythm that fits our lives in this season. We keep alert to opportunities to celebrate or try something new, and the ones that click, we repeat. Fortunately, I've also seen these don't have to stay the same. But we don't want them all to disappear either. It just takes a little...attention and intention.
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