Social Grace

Kids are beloved and complicated. The more I get to know them through parenting or church or friends, the more this sinks in. They are also an amazing, unvarnished reflection of us adults. Maybe this is why it has taken me working with kids to finally understand that the distinctions between the way people think are a matter of degrees on several continuums, and they can change over time. 

For example, people fall on lots of points between neurotypical and autistic. This is NOT to underestimate the impact of autism but to further the recognition that there are so many ways and degrees of being different. Many of those differences are not physically visible, some can actually be “outgrown,” but all of them require insight and compassion to understand, especially in children.

The more I’ve gotten to know a child who has very little social intuition—someone who falls in the middle of that continuum—the more I’ve appreciated the gap between his intentions and others’ perceptions. That gap shifts with each passing year, growing or shrinking with each developmental milestone, but the gap remains a source of distress that puts him at risk for severe misunderstandings.

Here are some specific examples…

— he’s not being greedy when he rushes to take the first/biggest piece; he’s trying to win, because everyone seems to think winning is great (and he hardly ever wins at anything)
— he’s not being cold-hearted when he repeats his request for help cutting his food during my choking fit; he hasn’t processed that what I’m doing should affect what he’s saying
— he’s not unintelligent though he can’t remember your name; his brain just can’t recall names quickly--give him 5-10 seconds and he'll get it right every time
— he’s not being selfish when he gets upset that I'm giving him something second; he’s upset that I’m going in a different order than usual
— he’s not collapsing in a heap because he’s too lazy to clean his room; it just feels impossible to make sense of the chaos--he can’t figure out how to divide the task into steps
— he’s not being ungrateful when you try to offer him a treat and he asks you detailed questions about every option and if there are more options and still can’t decide; he literally cannot figure out what the *right* choice is
— he’s not always trying to get attention when he’s too loud or too close or too rough; he just doesn’t sense things unless they’re turned up a notch
— he’s not trying to stamp out all conversation that’s not about him; he just forgets how to enter into a conversation he didn’t start
— he’s not trying to be insensitive cracking nonsensical jokes at inappropriate times; he just wants to see you smile, and that’s what jokes do, right?
—he’s not overreacting to a momentary injunction; he believes exactly what you said is now a permanent mandate unless you specified a timeframe

—he’s not neglected or overlooked despite his messy hair or odd clothes; he just prioritizes comfort over everything, and it’s not worth battling over a haircut or different wardrobe

--he’s not always angry when it sounds like he’s stomping down the hall or up the stairs; he really is that flat-footed

--he’s not especially rebellious during trips or holidays; he’s just using so much energy adapting to the break from routine that he has nothing left for self-regulation

--he’s not always wild and loud; he’s just overcome by his own excitement at a group gathering; he’s actually a remarkable conversationalist in familiar environs one-on-one.

I’m not trying to make excuses or let someone off the hook for bad behavior. When you know someone well enough, you can start to see when they really are just being greedy or manipulative.

But I also see that discipline alone will not help someone like this suddenly understand the riddle that is social life. They also need teaching, “making the implicit explicit,” reminders, correction, reminders, pictures, role-playing, reminders, therapies, and lots and lots of patience. Not rewarding inappropriate behavior with attention, but also not crushing a spirit that feels blindsided and confused. 

And still, they're not suddenly intuitive, graceful. Will that come with time and maturity? How should one react in those million little moments of annoyance? What underlying lessons will serve them best? And how do the adults in someone's life make sure social gaffes don’t hide their depth and intelligence and creativity and compassion and joy and humor? How do we help them develop the friendships they so desperately want?

We hear a lot these days about isolation and the need for connection, about the need to lean in to people not like us, to stick with real friendships that are messier than virtual ones, and about appreciating the minority voice that doesn’t quite match the dominant culture.

We recently had a visitor who has pastored for 40+ years, and I watched him seamlessly interact with each of my children, meeting them where they are, showing no offense, immediately feeling like a safe, gentle, accepting presence in their lives. And I was reminded *that* is the goal: Christ-like love that doesn’t require social grace or maturity to appreciate the beloved.

And I see God working that out in myself, in my home, in my people. As He does, I cling to His promises to love us better than we love each other, to bring the work He has begun in us to completion, and to soften and stretch my heart deep and wide enough to understand and love well those who see the world differently from me.