The last couple months have taught me a lot about imperfect health. For the first time, I've had two close friends experience major health issues -- one a brain tumor, another preterm labor (twins, 25wks). At the same time, I've experienced ridiculously minor health issues that have consistently disrupted my life. The contrast between my minuscule inconveniences and these friends' trauma has been breathtaking and instructive.
It all began in November when I lost my voice for 2 weeks. It sounds almost silly, but it was debilitating. No phone calls. No conversations. One would think I'd get practice listening, but people don't want to talk when you can't respond. Even chance encounters during errands seemed to cause offense. People felt like I was depressed or mad, even if they knew I'd lost my voice. Our home was less cheerful as everyone adopted some of my silence. Even Aaron whispered to me. Not to mention the challenges and dangers of disciplining while mute. In the grand scheme of things, I would've thought vocal silence would be easy - even relaxing. Turns out, that's just how I feel when I have my voice.
As soon as my voice returned in December, my energy exited, leaving morning sickness in its place. This proved rather confusing. You see when I'm not pregnant and get upset, I don't cry, I feel nauseous. It's like a red flag to my brain that something in my life "ain't right." So the recurring nausea that comes with pregnancy made me feel like I was constantly in turmoil. Red flags everywhere. Everything was nauseating, so every decision felt like the wrong choice - whether it was about food, work, kids, you-name-it. And that's just a sliver of my first trimester issues. BUT I knew it was all for a good cause. I wanted to be pregnant. I am excited about this baby. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with confidence.
Which means I've spent a lot of time these last few months in prayer. Praying for my friends whose troubles are not wreathed in optimism, who never asked for their ill health. Praying for Josh's grandfather who faces continuing complications. Praying for those who live with cancer or back pain or any number of issues that are indefinite, unwelcome, debilitating, and scary.
And God has responded by showing me how His grace is poured out to those who need it, when they need it. Our pastor recently preached about how our nightmares never include God in the picture. When we imagine the worst, we forget His providence in our lives. My two friends are experiencing close to the worst, and yet watching them do it has proven again that God may not be in imaginary troubles, but He is very present in real hardship. He is pouring out His mercy and strengthening those who need Him.
He's reminding me to give thanks for my health, but even more to give thanks for Him.
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind. - Isaiah 40:27-31
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