My Cheat Sheet

Introduction
Three years ago, I wrote a post in an attempt to compile the best advice I'd encountered about discipline in these early years. Last week, I revisited it to see what I've learned since then. Here's the edited version with additions but no subtractions (shocking, I know)...

Disclaimers
I've only been in the discipline business for 4.5 years, and my two samples are scrumptious kids. Clearly, I'm not qualified to write any books on discipline. But since I think it's the most difficult aspect of parenting and there is so much material out there, I thought it would help me to cull it down to the nuggets I've found most helpful.

Which does NOT mean I do all of this well!! I mess it up daily, and frankly, I'm ok with that. Right this moment, I'm convinced our relationship with the boys is strong and honest enough to handle imperfection. Regardless, I just want to make it clear this is my cheat sheet because I need one.

Our House Rules
1. Do no harm (i.e. no hitting, biting, pushing, pinching, twisting, unkind words, or throwing at people without their permission)
2. Obey, right away, with a happy heart

Attempts at Prevention
--Pick your battles: Focus on the rules that really matter and on intentional breaking of those rules. Nitpicking (constant correction, telling how they could behave better) hurts everyone.
--Consistent rules: If you disobey, it's gonna be bad.
--Not consistent consequences: When he doesn't know what the punishment will be, he's less likely to choose it. Also allows parent to adapt consequence to each situation.
--Minimize temptation by honoring his sleep/eat schedule, listening to him, granting reasonable requests, or telling him what's about to happen
--Give 2 choices, both of which I like (i.e. "Kix or Life?" not "Donuts, Pancakes, or Cereal?")
--Teach how to handle frustration i.e. ask for help, sit on the couch, count to 5, take a deep breath, put the toy in timeout, punch a pillow
--Protect treasures: put away treasured toys before visitors come
--Prepare beforehand: "Here's what's going to happen when we get there..." or "5 more minutes till bedtime" or "1 more slide before we leave" or "say bye-bye to the toy"
--Give explicit instructions: not "behave yourself" but "sit still and quietly in your seat"; not "stop whining" but "do not ask again"or "say that again in a clear, strong voice" (sometimes I demonstrate by saying it both ways - they love that)
--Take command: don't frame as a question or suggestion (i.e. "Are you ready to leave?") if you need them to obey ("It's time to leave."). Look them in the eye, speak clearly and firmly (not loudly or harshly), and tell them what they need to do so there's no confusion.
--Avoid the n-word: phrases like "not right now" or "danger" can help avoid saying "no" all day long
--Don't overpromise: If I'm not positive we'll get to the park, I won't tell him till we're on our way there.
--Use Quiet Time: More intervention than punishment, if I see he's getting grouchy/whiny/rambunctious, I'll tell him to sit on the couch (not in another room like timeout) and rest till he's ready to play/talk nicely.
--Use Space: If he's not playing well with Aaron, I'll separate them (one plays on the hardwood while the other plays on the carpet)
--Laugh or love through it: Periodically I'll respond to testiness with a "wrestle moment" or "tickle tackle." Or we'll just hug or read a book or have him sit on my lap while I work on something. I don't want to reward bad behavior, but sometimes I can tell he just needs some lovin'.

The Consequences
--Bottom line: lack of respect = lack of privileges
--Take your time: Do not discipline in anger. Send him to timeout if you need to calm down or figure out an appropriate consequence (or consult a husband/friend/book).
--Follow through!! Don't say it unless you plan to do it.
--Consequences...

• Pop his hand (especially for 1-yr-olds)
• Toy time-out for 5 minutes (or more)
• Boy time-out for 5 minutes (use a timer and/or pack-n-play if needed)
• Return to car for 5min (if out somewhere)
• Nap/Bed (if you're too tired to ____, then you must need to go to bed)
• Delay or cancel outing or treat
• Spanking (last resort, only when done well*)

Addenda
1. Discipline is for their good! Lots of research has re-affirmed that one of the most important assets for a successful life (i.e. not going to jail, not getting addicted to drugs, etc) is self-control (or its variants such as delayed gratification). Discipline is not about me being so great - it's about equipping them to flourish in this world.
2. Conversation/emotion = attention = reward, so we don't talk much during discipline and I try to stay matter-of-fact. Originally I had to teach him about timeout, but now he knows, so I can just tell him to go there. If he asks why, I'll tell him briefly ("You hit Aaron"). That's it. No long explanations or melodrama. When the timer rings, I ask if he's ready to come out. He says he's sorry and the rule he broke. I remind him I love him. Then we're done.
3. Some natural consequences are enough. If he doesn't eat his dinner, he'll be hungry. If he doesn't put his shoes on, his feet may hurt. Don't interfere. Just enjoy that nature's pitching in.
4. "When you do ___, ___ happens". Discipline is not about me being upset or making him miserable. He makes a choice and experiences the result. When he's upset with the result, I can commiserate with him, but that doesn't change the result. That way hopefully it doesn't come between us. It's more about him and his actions/choices.
5. The Big "S" I don't like spanking on several levels. It feels lazy as a parent and doesn't model how I want him to handle problems, so we save it for: a) when there's no other choice, or b) when we've tried all the other choices and they routinely haven't worked.
6. All in the context of a loving relationship, of course!! We talk about everything, spend tons of time together, and have lots of fun, which keeps discipline from hijacking our relationship (except on the days when he spends half his time in timeout). I'm just praying this works when he's 15!

Sources
Parenting with Love & Logic
Don't Make Me Count to Three
Nanny to the Rescue
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers
Loving the Little Years
Grace-Based Parenting
*Shepherding a Child's Heart