Reality Check

Over the last 7 weeks since Noah’s birth, a lot of people have been asking me questions – sweet, thoughtful questions that I’ve appreciated: Do I like being home? How radically has being a parent changed my lifestyle? Am I exhausted? How am I coping? Do I ever have time for myself? All of these questions are sympathetic and often relevant. Next time you see me, you’re welcome to ask me if I ever get a nap. In fact, you’re welcome to babysit so that I can catch some shut-eye.

At the same time, such questions have highlighted a train of thought that’s been slowly gathering steam in my brain since Noah’s birth. In a nutshell: Life with a child is so much better than I ever imagined. Here’s why…

What I imagined wasn’t pretty:

• Society spends an inordinate amount of time telling us that children are troublemakers – on TV, in movies, in books, etc.
• While we were pregnant, I asked a lot of people what it’s like to have kids, and the most popular answers referenced how inconvenient they can be (lack of sleep, lack of freedom, etc).
• Most of the time, when I’ve heard people talk about “stay-at-home-moms,” it’s been in terms of how hard they work and how underappreciated they are.
• The above points naturally set my expectations pretty low.

Now the disclaimers:

• I realize that I’ve only been doing this for 7 weeks. Perhaps I’m still in the honeymoon phase.
• Noah is an angel. If he were crying inconsolably for 3 hours every night, would I be all aglow? Probably not.
• I only have one, and he’s nursing and immobile, giving me some time to read, walk, cook, and write this blog, among other things.
• I have an incredible partner who makes me feel aided and appreciated. He even sends me out for pedicures every month. (Yes, seriously.)

I just have to say:

• Having a son has opened up a softness in my heart that I didn’t know existed. It reminds me of the feelings I have for Josh, but it has a different, complementary luster that makes our family of three even more precious to me.
• Even when Noah is crying, there’s something precious about being able to comfort him. When he was in the womb, my biggest frustration was not being able to show him the love I was beginning to feel. Now, I can slather him with it, and it’s such a privilege.
• I admire Josh all the more as I see him fathering our little boy. We still have dates. We still eat dinner together every night and talk about what we did that day. I don’t feel like our marriage has suffered, and I see definite evidence that it has an added depth.
• My days are full of things I love to do, from feeding and changing and comforting Noah to dishes and laundry and writing and reading and walking and meeting friends. Noah doesn’t take away from “my time” – in fact, I have more of it than I ever had working full-time. And, I enjoy the time with Noah just as much as “my time.” He’s sleeping right now and I miss him. I think I may just go take a peak in his room…

A friend was recently telling me how much it bothered her to see society applaud those who leave their families and responsibilities in order to “find happiness” (think Eat Pray Love or Into the Wild), as if happiness were an object hidden in some distant land and not an attitude of the heart. I can’t help feeling sorry for those who think they have to be independent in order to find happiness. For me, it’s been my responsibilities—my marriage, my son, my job, my church, etc.—that have brought the greatest joy. Noah has been a wonderful, tangible, even surprising reminder of that.