Becoming a Mom

I'm half-way through a parenting book that makes my brain fiesty. It is not well written, well reasoned, or well supported. Better yet, it makes fun of the parenting books that are.

But it has gotten me thinking. We spend a lot of time in our society preparing to work fulltime in industry. We have mentors and associations and classes and years poured into climbing the corporate ladder. And that's great. We should. I've utilized them, and they've made me a better person.

Yet I can't help wondering why we as a society assume parenting should just come naturally - that it doesn't require the same kind of training, mentoring, or reading. One could hope it's instinctive, but any social worker would disagree. One could rely on one's parents' example, but our memories of what they did when we were 15 are probably not that good, let alone what they did when we were 15months. Just rely on "common sense"? A little hard to recognize when you're staring down an unhappy toddler.

No, I'm pretty sure parenting is a complicated mix of teaching, relationship building, setting boundaries, modeling citizenship, and many other things that require more than sanity to pull off. Without my network of friends, mentors, and resources (books and blogs), I would be struggling far more than I am -- and I've only got one easy little boy at the moment.

That's to say nothing about the lack of instruction for women transitioning from the workforce to the home. We have orientation for every job but the stay-at-home mom. How is she supposed to know what it takes to be happy and satisfied in her new role? The culture shock alone is enough to drive many moms back into the workforce.

So let me jump off this soapbox long enough to share a few insights/resources that I've found very helpful in transitioning to motherhood and staying home:

1. On pregnancy, my favorite resources have been:
-- BabyCenter.org -- weekly email updates on the baby and how my life is changing; database of searchable expert advice
-- The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy - fun, informative, honest

2. On parenting, my favorite books are:
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg
The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers by Tracy Hogg
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp

3. For women about to stay home, here's my pull-no-punches, quick-and-dirty tips for survival:
-- Don't literally stay at home. Go to the grocery store, to a playgroup, to church, to the park, to library storytime, to somewhere. Cabin fever doesn't just apply at camp.
-- To that end, plan ahead for the week. I usually plan at least one activity for each day so we have something to look forward to.
-- Join a young moms group. Whether it's a playgroup or discussion group, make sure you have a chance to find out that you're not alone, that others have faced this before, that they have great tips for you, and that they're making it.
-- Pursue your passions. I love books, so I always carve out time to read, I joined a virtual book group (GoodReads.com), and I've joined 2 book clubs that get me out talking about books with booklovers. I also love to write, hence this blog.
-- Make your peace with housework. (whatever that looks like for you) I like to cook, do laundry, manage our finances, grocery shop, and decorate our house. I don't like to clean, iron, work in the yard, or do dishes, so we've either hired them out or Josh and I split the duties. Regardless of how you divide and conquer, don't get yourself in a wad over a few loads of laundry. It's a dangerous spiral that's totally not worth your grief.
-- Spend time enjoying your child. I love reading books with Noah, watching him play, tickling, etc. I stayed home so we'd have time for those things. We have a schedule, but it has lots of room in it. Enjoy that.
-- But not too much time. Remember that your sanity and your baby/toddler's independence depend on you giving them space. Don't carry them everywhere you go through the house. Let them play independently. Read a book or type email while they play. Don't let them rely on you to entertain themselves. It's not good for either of you.
-- Respect your spouse. Let him interact with your child in his own way. Let him pick funky clothes or put the diaper on backward. Let him rough-house and read the same book you read an hour ago. Communicate key changes that happened during the day, but in bullet points, not epistles. He's capable and intentionally different from you, so let go and let them bond.
-- Keep your marriage first. If you're not hanging out with your spouse, you're doomed. Get a good list of babysitters and use them. Go out on date nights. Create date nights in after the kids are in bed. Spend time catching up each night. Cuddle. You won't regret it.

It's not comprehensive, it's not gospel, and it appears I never actually got off my soap box, but hopefully it's still helpful...