A Bugaboo...or "Opportunity"

Josh and I have always worked long hours. It feels good to get a lot done, to move closer to your goals. For our first eight years of marriage, we would call each other when we were ready to leave work and then meet at home for a late dinner and time together. We worked. It worked. For a season.

But you don't really want a season to last forever, so we moved into a new one - fuller, richer, more beautiful and emotional and captivating than the one before (as they always seem to be). But transition is never perfectly smooth. There are adjustments to be made, perspectives changing, expectations and realignments. This time, we have both struggled to figure out how our family routines should look -- the play-by-play of an average weeknight in particular.

And it seems that in this, we are not alone. Which is why I've decided it's worth sharing 10 nuggets I've encountered in our ongoing journey on the topic...

1. I might as well get this out there: Josh's work hours are often a source of temptation for me - temptation to self-pity, resentment, self-righteousness, etc. It's ridiculous (see #4,6) but since when has that kept anyone from "enjoying" a little sinfulness?

2. A doctor's wife at Moms & More last year held a (metaphorical) mirror in front of my face and asked me just what these attitudes (see #1) would produce. Ouch. My negativity would not solve anything, but it could sabotage my own attempts to make our home more wholesome.

3. Nagging is not helpful, but some communication is. I tell Josh when there are specific reasons for him to be home. He tells me when he knows his hours will be longer. I add events to his work calendar. He calls me when he's leaving the office.

4. There is always someone who works less, gets home earlier, works more, gets home later. If you have to go there, go to the latter examples. Find a friend who's a military wife. It's good for the soul on so many levels.

5. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my father. For his 60th birthday, I compiled a list of 60 reasons he's the best dad in the world, and it was easy to fill. I have so many memories of his love, participation, playfulness, wisdom. And he traveled every week. I don't even think about that when I think of him, but it's true. He was on the road 3-4 nights/week. He and my mom just celebrated 44 years together, and their marriage is stronger than ever. Clearly long work hours are not necessarily an impediment to strong familial relationships.

6. Josh is such an amazing husband and father. I can't tell you all the ways he blesses me and the boys and makes us a priority. He loves to spend time with us, does it well, and does it often. He also has a great job which he loves and which supports our family. Why would I complain???

7. I'm a pretty independent person. Time alone really doesn't bother me. I would always rather have Josh with us, but I can generally handle the boys on my own (for hours or days, not weeks). I'm pretty sure God made me this way for a reason.

8. We've figured out some good routines that allow us to all enjoy our evenings. Noah's daily TV time is 30min in the evening while I put Aaron to bed and get dinner ready. If Josh gets home during the video, he joins Noah on the couch till it comes to a stopping point and then we have dinner. If Josh gets home later, I eat a light dinner with Noah and then more with Josh after Noah's in bed. If he gets home really late or needs to work from home, I enjoy filling my evening with blogging, cooking, reading, movies, and sleeping. I have found it crucial that we have an evening routine I can enjoy regardless of when he gets home.

9. Don't set him up to fail. No need to tell Noah that Daddy will be home for dinner unless he's called to say he's leaving the office. And why would I schedule any important events before a big deadline? If it'll be hard for him to get home in time for me to leave for an event, get a sitter, bring the kids, or don't plan on it. In other words, avoid circumstances that are likely to breed resentment.

10. All of this is not to say that Josh is anything less than the essential and beloved leader of our family and partner of my life. He absolutely is. He just doesn't always have to be here to be those things.

There is much more to this issue -- his work culture, our family's goals, my expectations, his commute, the kids' bedtimes, etc. But in the interest of keeping this from turning into a book, let me just say that if this is the biggest issue we have to face this year, we will be blessed indeed.