Have Fun! Part 4

(Need a little context? You might want to start back at the beginning: Part 1.)

Adding the Fun

Turns out my forte seems to be in the daily. Here are some examples of family fun that have worked for us, based on our particular needs/interests...

Mornings Before School used to be primarily bickering and rushing. I stayed in bed as late as possible and let the boys get their own breakfast (= cereal which left them hungry an hour later,  frozen waffles lathered with Nutella, or frozen breakfast sandwiches on repeat #sohealthy). I wonder why there was so much bickering?? 😑 This year, it finally struck me that it was my last year they'd all be getting up at a reasonable hour (7am) and maybe if I were more involved, we could turn the ship around. Now I get up by 7am, turn on music, light a candle, start the coffee, make parts or all of a decent breakfast for them, and read a 1-min daily devotional before they catch the bus at 7:45am. I cannot believe the difference, and neither can they. They still thank me for doing it, and this is MARCH. Am I spoiling them? Maybe, but I'm also teaching them how to transform something you have to do into something you can enjoy and what a variety of healthy breakfasts look like. And bonus, I'm not waking up to 40 minutes of argument.

Afternoon Tea. When Josh and I brought home pictures of tea in London, the boys wanted to go. So we started having afternoon tea here at home. We probably do it 2/month as their after-school snack, or on a hump day before school. We use real china, decaf earl grey with a pitcher of milk and sugar cubes, and whatever goodies we can scrounge up from the pantry. Who would've guessed this would be such a hit with my sports- and army-loving boys? 💓

Family Dinner. This gets a lot of press, so I won't belabor it, except to say that it has taken more creativity than I expected. Sitting around the table every night with kids 10, 8, 5, and 1 is not automatically fun. We eat late so Daddy can join us maybe half the time. We use conversation cards when we need a boost. And sometimes I just pull out whatever novel we're reading aloud when I've finished eating (currently The Silver Chair).

Day Out with Daddy. Before school starts each year, Josh takes each boy out for a half day of whatever he wants to do (usually a bounce house and Dunkin Donuts). We've also worked this idea into Christmas: each gets tickets to an event with Josh (local sports, music, or theater). They also get a weekend away with Josh when they turn 12 to talk about... well, you know...

Hobbies with Mommy. What they are evolves as my kids develop, but I'm trying to make sure I share an interest with each of my kids that I don't share with the other kids. Some examples right now: my 11yr-old and I follow John Crist together, my 9yr-old likes to bake with me, my 6yr-old is the only one who wants to help me with crosswords, and my 2yrold is princess-crazy. My kids are moving targets, but I always want them to feel like they share a special interest with me -- usually one they've found and I've jumped on board.

Brit Fantasy Nights. I'm a Brit fantasy junkie, so this is a no-brainer. We read books aloud together all the time (everything from Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, and Paddington to The Hobbit and Harry Potter), but on these nights, we eat food from the books (often "pub food"), dress up like the characters (I have a go-to McGonagall cloak, as one does), and drink soda with whipped cream from beer steins. #itsathing

FMN (Family Movie Night). About 1/week we sit at the FMN table (a console table behind the couch that faces the TV we bought specifically for this purpose), eat pizza, and watch a movie together. #easypeasy Another edition of this is #gamenight involving Disney Apples to Apples, Scene It, or Heads Up ("Disney" so the littles can participate).

Saturday Brunch. We like eating out one meal as a family each weekend. This began when the kids were all nappers, so we'd go out to eat in the morning when their attitudes were still sunny. We've found Saturday brunch has the advantages of being 1) cheaper, 2) no reservations needed, 3) usually family-oriented, 4) kid-friendly food, and 5) it doesn't mess with bedtime. We run the gamut from Donut Den to Homestead Manor, but we almost always manage to incorporate chocolate in the meal somehow.

Hm...They all seem to involve stories and food... 🎯 #litmajor #foodlover

Think Big

Josh, on the other hand, seems especially good at recognizing big investments that will foster family fun. Each of the following has been his idea, gradually adopted by me, and ultimately a wild success with our family. They've all required a significant investment on our part, but I've been realizing that the return in fun, time together, memories, communication, etc. really is priceless.

The Hot Tub: I would never in a million years have guessed we'd be hot tub people. Josh has always been a fan, and would sort our hotel options for trips based on who had a hot tub. Sometimes we'd start in the big pool, but more often than not, everyone wanted to skip the big pool for the hot tub. Still, I wasn't sure about buying one. I could think of several families who had them, but none who used them. Then his 40th birthday came along, and I knew it would be the perfect surprise. It was, but turns out, it has surprised me too. We use it weekly. It's a place we can all talk and play with no distractions. No electronics, no chores, just us outside in the comfy water. We like it rain or shine, night and day, hot or cold. Sometimes Josh grills and we eat down there. Sometimes Josh and I go down there to talk through life after the kids are in bed.

Disney Vacations: I've mentioned before that Josh gradually converted me to enjoying Walt Disney World. It all started because he still shares a love for it with his parents. Now we're all in, and I see the fruit. We're gradually exploring the parks, resorts, and shops, learning the ins and outs, returning to our favorite things, and swapping stories about past visits. We revisit Disney stories before each trip. My Mickey hat sparks joy year-round. And each of my kids asks regularly when we can go back. Some people go to 30A each year. Others take a ski vacation. Others visit a lake house. Many do none of the above. We do this, and I'm grateful we can.

Community Pool: When we moved into our current subdivision, one of the things we missed most was a neighborhood pool -- a place we could go often nearby and see people we knew. We tried out various options these last 2 years and finally settled on joining one 5min from our house. This will be our first summer to try it out, but I'm already anticipating the payback in summer sunsets and worn-out kids. 

Seems all of these involve some kind of pool? Clearly we think in particular veins. What are YOUR favorite family fun traditions? discoveries? What helps you be deliberate about making time for family fun?

Have Fun! Part 3

(Lost? Start with Part 1: Have Fun! Seriously.)

Let Them Eat Cake

But we all want to play, right? Why the soap box? Because I think we can get so busy and hold onto unexamined assumptions to the point that we can poison these brief years when we get to bond with and enjoy our children. We hear plenty about how hard parenting is. I want to hear more about how FUN it is.


Marie Antoinette's apocryphal phrase has always come to mind when people tell me to date my spouse. They're telling me to go have fun with my best friend. It's like they're telling me to eat more chocolate cake. Um, Yes! Thank you! Don't mind if I do.

Playing with my kids hasn't always produced the same reaction. My first response can be laced with dread. Years ago, a friend with toddler boys told me, "I'd rather counsel suicidal teens than play more Hot Wheels." I totally get that. How many cups of air constitute a tea party? How many counting books can I read before falling asleep? Is there anything more inane than 2-yr-old games? Still, sometimes, we stretch and play the made-up run-back-and-forth-waving-arms-in-the-air game. We play that endless game of War with a mongrel deck of 75 cards. Or we learn how to pitch the baseball to a young hitter in the driveway and run all over to retrieve the balls. #gotsomeexperience

But lately I feel like God has been showing me ways of creating fun for all of us. I believe this gets easier when they're in elementary school, but I can also see it getting harder when they're teenagers, so now feels like the time to establish it as a priority for all of us -- something we all want to protect for years to come.

I think it starts with protecting the "margin" in our family's schedule. It's why I stay home with the kids, it's why we outsource some chores, and it's why each of our kids only has 0-1 extracurriculars at a time, none of which are overly burdensome on our family. We don't do this out of nostalgia, but because it seems like the only way for all of us to feel healthy. Not everyone can make these same choices, but that doesn't change that these choices are good for our family, in our particular circumstances.

So what does creating a culture of family fun look like? A few things I do not mean...

• Giving kids whatever they want, buying them lots of stuff, or sending them off to fun activities with their peers. I'm talking about the activities where our family plays together.
• Everyone thoroughly enjoying every moment of my best laid plans. #asif This is why there's a hashtag #forcedfamilyfun. #trialanderror #futurefunnystories
• Each person staring at their own screen with headphones on during an activity. I'm not opposed to this at times; it's just not playing together.
• Going into debt to pay for the fun. Sometimes, it requires trade-offs, delayed gratification, or coming up with creative cheap or free ideas, I'm just not recommending charging it.
• Organizing all of our kids' play time. #Heavenforbid I am ALL FOR boredom being the mother of invention and all that. Mine get plenty of time to play independently and make their own fun. Since laissez-faire is my default, that is not what I have to work at.
• Self-care. I also don't have to be told twice to get a pedicure or spend a few hours in a coffee shop. This is not about individual play. I'm talking about with our kids.

Usually, creating family fun means taking something one of us already likes and building on that to transform the mundane into something fun for most of us. #redemptioninthedaily

We don't always have to create it; sometimes we just have to choose it. Sometimes I can almost see the choice in front of me when something benign and silly happens: 1) to be annoyed and roll my eyes like I'm 14--my natural tendency, or 2) to be amused and all laugh together. I can see my kids looking to me for how to react. What's she gonna do? It may feel like I'm literally forcing myself into #2, but when I do, it pays off.

Lightening up the culture in our home can also mean literally fixing the lighting -- making it more comfortable, lighting a candle, dimming it first thing in the morning, opening all the curtains, etc.

Music may be the most obvious tool for improving the setting for our family interactions, but it's still one I often forget. My 9yrold works better with KidsBop on, and you know what? It makes everyone shimmy a little bit, which we need when they come home and crash after school. I also noticed a distinct difference when I switched from NPR in the morning to Christian music. A background of worship set a very different tone than reports on political outrage or death tolls in the middle east. #gofigure

All of this is of course reliant on our family being a safe place where we show kindness and compassion and have clear boundaries and rely entirely on the grace of God to shine through our weakness. That is already priority #1 and generally gets a lot of attention -- as. it. should. With that in mind, these posts are designed to highlight a lesser-discussed area that I have underestimated.

But enough telling, tomorrow I'll post some examples of planned play that have worked for our family with absolutely no guarantees they will work for yours: Part 4.

Have Fun! Part 2

(Confused? Check out Part 1 first.)

So why don't we play more?

Do not be anxious...Consider the lillies...
Matthew 6:25-34
photo by Katy Southern

I'm pretty sure a lot of parents are running scared. It's all over the news, podcasts, etc. Enrolling kids in tons of activities, worrying about mass shootings, scared the kids are sexting, afraid they won't be able to compete in a global economy, and apparently even cheating kids' way into college.

I believe it is driven by a media-fed sense that the world is more dangerous, more competitive, and more challenging to live in than ever before, so we have to be more vigilant and work harder than ever before.

It is not based on truth. Our kids' lives are not bound to be worse than ours. The global economy is not a zero-sum game. Culture is constantly twisting, evolving, swinging like a pendulum, pushing forward here while stepping back there, but it is not going To Hell in a Handbasket, as I discovered back in 2011 (my blog posts from that time at the previous link). I believe more than ever that it is critical for people to know this.

"By almost any measure, the world is better than it has ever been. People are living longer, healthier lives. Many nations that were aid recipients are now self-sufficient. You might think that such striking progress would be widely celebrated, but in fact, Melinda and I are struck by how many people think the world is getting worse. The belief that the world can’t solve extreme poverty and disease isn’t just mistaken. It is harmful. That’s why in this year’s letter we take apart some of the myths that slow down the work. The next time you hear these myths, we hope you will do the same." - Bill Gates, Annual Letter, 2014

When I processed these ideas 8 years ago, I was focused on how our view of global progress affects our charitable work (people only work on problems that feel fixable). Today, I'm more aware of how it affects our parenting, or you could say, how it affects our children.

Bottom line? Parenting from a place of optimism is not as unrealistic as I used to think. 

Good Fun
(or, A Theology of Play)

Even if I'm not running scared, my desires to recognize privilege, fight isolation and injustice, be financially responsible, train my children well, and work faithfully for the kingdom of God can keep us running. They can also make stopping to play seem indulgent or frivolous.

I am only now appreciating the importance of resisting the fear/guilt wave and protecting that time--moving play up from the bottom rung of the to-do list--not just because we need rest, but because we need to play.

Certainly, we can find joy alleviating the suffering of others and find contentment in the midst of difficult circumstances. And we do! I would never endorse a gospel that frames "the abundant life" as one requiring prosperity or all play with no work.

But I don't want to present Christian family life to our kids as dour, frenetic, duty-bound, uphill, marginalized, or desperate. I have several friends who assumed this was their fate when they became Christians. It was only after their conversion that they realized Christianity buttresses our reasons to play, see beauty, and have hope. It is the truest source of joy and optimism.

Perhaps the best gift my current church has given me is the awareness that God is so much bigger and better than my limited efforts anyway. He has not put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't have to panic. I can focus on what He has called me to do and trust Him to only give me what He has equipped me to handle (1 Cor 7:17, 10:13).

photo by Katy Southern

Turns out part of my calling is nurturing a culture of fun with my family -- injecting it into the everyday, carving out time for it, teaching my kids how to find it, and enjoying one another with humor, story, and food.

God established a day of rest AND feasts for remembering His provision. He also created the giraffe, the flamingo, and the snapdragon; clearly, He has a sense of humor. Jesus first used His miraculous powers to extend a party already in progress. Paul told the Philippians:

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Russ Ramsey adds this in his essay on the value of including beauty in our diet:

I know that for me, the unrestricted access I have to everything that is wrong with the world can be a light so blinding that I lose the ability to see, or the capacity to empathize well, with the real and present struggles and sorrows of those in my own community. I don’t want to become a blind and numb media consumer with a three second attention span because my mind and eyes are continually feasting on a diet of evil, cynicism, scandal, and hot takes. 

What are my kids' minds and eyes feasting on when they are with me? If they only experience me disciplining them, criticizing them, taxiing them around, pointing out brokenness in the world, working, and generally managing our household, how will that affect their view of... the world? Christianity? God? me? their value? If it takes 9 compliments to offset any criticism, how many moments of love and joy do I provide to offset correction? And if I'm not modeling how to turn everyday tasks into enjoyable activities, how will they do it? Do you see where I'm going with this?

If not, hopefully you will tomorrow: Part 3.

Have Fun! Seriously.

Why now?

As we're preparing for the adolescent years, one thought keeps running through my brain: I can't imagine not feeling close to our kids. Right now, it feels like we're all best friends. Granted, this particular arrangement would get creepy eventually. We are raising them to leave us.

Fine print: This is not a promise or
guarantee. Denny & Co may not
be held responsible if it turns out
to be worth less than the paper
it is not printed on. 

But I've heard from empty nesters whose kids call often and those who never do. I can't control that outcome, but I can influence it. I know this, because I can tell what makes us more likely to reach out to our friends and family. I'm going to list some factors here so I can hold myself accountable in 20 years:

1. They show an interest in us - whether it's calling, visiting, or following me on social media.
2. They make an effort to join us where we are, to help in our stage of life.
3. They don't guilt us but give us grace for who we used to be and who we are becoming.
4. We respect one another.
5. We have good shared memories that laid the foundation for continuing affection and common ground.

Older Me will need to implement 1-3, and 4 is critical, but it's 5 that has gotten me thinking. Jen Hatmaker talks about it well in Of Mess and Moxie, but otherwise I hear very few discussions about prioritizing family FUN. I'm not talking about magazine-cover fun (I'm looking at you, bucket listers). I'm talking about creating a culture in my home today where humor is safe and laughter is chosen more often than impatience. Where we play regularly enough that we'll all remember the fun in 20, 30, 40 years. Where we often enjoy the present and expect a bright future.

When my Dad turned 65, I tried writing a list of the reasons he was The Best Dad in the World. It was shockingly easy. It was also the first time I fully appreciated all the ways my dad--who travelled for work every week--had managed to play with me as a kid: from "Where's Carolyn?" to letting me "style" his hair to bringing home a purple-sequined "Daddy's Little Girl" shirt to singing Blessed Assurance with me before bed night after night, year after year.

And that really got me thinking about how my parents' playfulness and positivity influenced more than just how much we call them today; it influenced the way I see the world and even the way I see God.

If that's true, why don't we play more? Good question! See Part 2.

Wish I'd Known: Visiting Harry Potter

In front of the Hogwarts castle in Hogsmeade

Twenty years ago, Josh and I showed up at a Borders bookstore at midnight to buy the latest release in the Harry Potter series. This week, we finally made it to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I'm hoping it won't take another 20 years before our next visit, and these notes will come in handy...

What's it like?

Wandwork in Hogsmeade

Transporting. The Wizarding World is an immersion experience, which I love. I much prefer strolling through Diagon Alley and drinking butterbeer to lots of 5-minute rides. The effect was so good that my brain couldn't quite believe we were still in Orlando. The only thing to make it more believable would be if they'd actually built the castle in such a way you could tour it like a great house or museum rather than on a pre-determined route in line for a ride. But that's being picky -- we all loved it as is.

Details in the castle...
Top L: Mandrakes in the Hogwarts
greenhouse.
Top R: The pictures moved & talked.
Low L: Noah getting pensive.😉
Low R: House pts!

The creativity and attention to detail is impressive. The unlabeled entrance looks like a regular London street. You can hear Moaning Myrtle in the bathrooms. It looks like you're walking through a wall when you step onto Platform 9 3/4. The Hogwarts Express has real cabins with screens in the place of windows that show the scenery en route to Hogwarts. Even the shops are charming and old-world. It all feels exactly as it should.

Until you encounter it with a thousand other t-shirted tourists wearing backpacks.😜 I'm guessing Rowling wanted it to feel pokey and cluttered, but that's just not as fun when you're shoulder-to-shoulder with loads of modern muggles. I suddenly understood why Disney has lots of wide-open spaces, tall ceilings, and shops that connect inside.

Diagon Alley (w/dragon) at night

Nothing was clearly labeled from street names to shop titles to food prices to wand spots. Some of this was probably because signage/instructions would interrupt the magic of the atmosphere, but it made our first visit rather...confunding.😏

That said, even during the peak hours (11am-4pm) and with no fastpasses, our boys were able to buy their wands quickly, and we never waited more than an hour for a ride--all during Florida's spring break (March 20). #impressive Plus, the crowds thinned after we ate (4-5pm) so we were able to move about more easily 5-9pm (and the kids' wands worked much better). We were only at Universal for the Wizarding World, and we were able to do all we wanted in one day -- one we will not soon forget.

What do they have there?

Gringotts in Diagon Alley by day

DIAGON ALLEY

- Half under cover 

- Narrow lanes and small (real) shops

- Dragon breathes fire every 15-20min (cool, tho terrified our 2yrold)

Shops: Our first stop was Olivander's, where our boys quickly picked out interactive wands ($52/ea, they'd been saving up for this). Each shop has different merch, so later I went store to store with a stroller checking out mugs, scarfs, and shirts. We forgot to stop by the pet shop for an owl until after it was closed. Note: Kids' robes are $115 so bring your own if they want to dress up.

Butterbeer in Diagon Alley

Food: Leaky Cauldron had a long line for sit-down service (2pm) so we skipped it.

Snacks: I never saw a name, but we got 12 bite-sized pasties and 3 butterbeers (2 cold, 1 hot) at a snack counter for $60. Thankfully I had brought food to supplement. We preferred the cold butterbeer because it seemed less sweet. We definitely did not need 1/per.

Gringotts with animatronic
goblins (not pictured)

Sweets: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes (great atmosphere, stock similar to Honeydukes), and an ice cream shop

Rides: Gringott's -- the queue is a tour of the Wizard bank with moving/talking pictures, animatronic goblins, vaults, and a child-swap waiting room playing any Gringott's scenes from the movies. Our 2yrold was scared the whole time--even in the child waiting room. I found myself saying, "It's ok; he's just a goblin." #didntwork But the rest of us enjoyed the tour. 

HOGWARTS EXPRESS

Connecting Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade, the train is the best ride, IMO because it really is like getting on the train in the books/movies (minus the concession cart). The tech is amazing, and the story is a little different each way. We waited an hour "in Kings' Cross Station" to go from DA to Hogsmeade around 3pm and then walked right on to return around 7pm.

Hogsmeade (in 70-degree FL)

HOGSMEADE

- Open-air

Dinner at Three Broomsticks

- Charm incarnate
- Includes the castle

Shops: Lots of storefronts (many with wand tricks) but few real shops. There is a stand that sells wands if you start in Hogsmeade.

Food: Three Broomsticks, quick service (no wait at 4pm), with back patio overlooking the castle, where we got 3 adults meals and 3 kids meals plus pumpkin juice and coffee for $70. Also, a much-needed boost to get us through the evening.

Honeydukes! Felix felicis,
fizzing whizbees, choc frogs,
jelly slugs, love potions, etc. 

Sweets: Honeydukes where the "magical" candy (chocolate frogs, felix felicis, love potions) was picture-perfect but $10-12 each while the bulk candy was cheaper but we all agreed not very tasty. Our favorites for eating were the Fizzing Whizbees (dark chocolate with pop rocks).

Rides: Hogwarts -- The queue here is a tour of the castle, from the greenhouse to classrooms to Dumbledore's office. The tech along the way was impressive and again, more fun for me than the ride itself. Too dark and active to capture well in stills, but worth a visit. There's also a small hippogriff rollercoaster, but it didn't have the cool queue and didn't look worth an hour wait.

How would you do it next time?

Buy Online: If you can, buy your tickets ahead--just make sure you can tell if they are tied to specific days (we were glad to have flexibility when one of our kids vomited the morning we were planning to go). Our 1-day/2-park tix were $170 each. #gulp They are running a deal online now where you can get a 2-day ticket with 3 days free for $275, but I didn't see that deal at the park (and gift cards don't work online).

Express Pass: I'm glad we didn't buy this, since it costs $110/per and we were only going on 3 rides. If we were doing all of Universal, it might make more sense. I've also heard it's free if you stay at a Universal resort, so that's worth considering if you plan to spend several days seeing everything (not just HP).

Getting TO Universal: It took us longer to get there from Disney than we expected. First, we booked a MinnieVan via Lyft at 9am, but it took 30min to get to us (vs the promised "9min"), and when it arrived, the driver informed us they can't leave Disney property. So then we booked an Uber, got to Universal around 10am, waited in lines to get in (metal detectors), walked a ways to get to Universal Studios' entrance, stood in line to buy tickets (you have to redeem gift cards in person), and walked through the entire park to get to HP world around 11am. Moral of the story: Get your tix in advance and allow time for ride-share rush-hour and lots of walking.

Where to Start: They've balanced the assets of the 2 HP towns too well, so it would be hard to pick just one. Next time I'd probably try starting in Hogsmeade to see if it's less crowded early in the day, and because the castle was my overall favorite. I'd also recommend getting wands early, because the wands tricks hidden all over both towns were my boys' favorite thing (though keep in mind they work best with lighter crowds). I'd probably still end in Diagon Alley because I like buying souvenirs at the end (so I'm not carrying them all day), and that's where all the shops are.

Will We Go Back? Yes. We are all big HP fans and would love to revisit someday now that we know the lay of the land -- but probably in several years, once Katherine is old enough to enjoy it. We could have spent another day in just the Wizarding World (eating at the Leaky Cauldron, visiting the "pet" shop, and using the wands more), but we covered all the basics in one day and left content. Next time, I imagine we'll get multi-day tix so we can do the rest of Universal as well. I was not especially interested in what we saw of it, but I'm guessing my tweenage boys will be.

For more tips on theme park vacations, check out How We Do Disney.

As I Lay Dying

In the last few years, I've become impulsive about my reading (or more often, listening). I've actually withdrawn from a few different book clubs, recognizing that something has shifted in my willingness to let others choose my next (audio) book.

When I finish a book, I browse Audible or Goodreads and pick what sounds good. It's whimsical and irrational, but I think that may be what I love about it; it's one area of my life not driven by needs, where I can do whatever I feel like.

And it has led to a (predictable) discovery: my reading reflects something about my state of mind. I notice themes in the books I've chosen over a season. Last spring, it was a string of funny self-help memoirs by 40-something Texas Christians. In the fall, it was books by stand-up comedians. This winter, it seems to be diaries about dying. 😳

Does this feel like a season when dying is front-and-center in my life? No. I'd bet that's why I'm willing to read them now -- they don't hit too close to home. At the same time, I increasingly see the effects of aging in my life, so on some deeper level perhaps I want to see how people have made their peace with the process of dying. It's also fascinating to see how facing death soon changes a person's choices in life.

I do not like tragedies, family dramas, Hallmark movies, or anything that makes me cry. I'm convinced life has enough drama and crying without my reading piling on. So, all of the following have mostly avoided these craters while still addressing profound issues related to the end of life. We could think of this as "cozy end-of-life stories." (Is that a thing? That's not a thing.) Still, here they are...

Still Alice

by Lisa Genova (5*)

This novel took me totally by surprise, which doesn't make sense to me since it's exactly what I thought it would be. I knew it was a memoir-style description of early-onset Alzheimers, but I expected it to be difficult to read and a little boring. 

Instead, I found myself engrossed, compelled to read it straight through in 36hours, enlightened by the experience, and yet not repulsed. Maybe it was the point of view, but I felt like the author managed to touch on so many different complicated or unexpected aspects of dealing with dementia while not getting saccharine or sentimental or melodramatic. She knew just where to cut a scene so that it was enlightening or awkward but she didn't shove your face in it. And she kept the experiences varied and paced well so I never felt bored - I was always curious what this next anecdote would reveal that I hadn't thought of yet. The characters were also nicely complex -- at times frustrating, at other times lovable. Even the author's voice fit the subject matter without being too rough or too polished.

In an odd way, this book reminded me of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, because both have given me a gentle peek into a completely different experience of the world -- one that is touching but not so emotional that it clouds my ability to learn from the facts.

If you've read my review, you know that I did not love Jojo Moyes' Me Before You. This book was everything that book wasn't -- helping the reader both understand the desire for escape from a horrific future AND appreciate the ways that future could also be of value, even enjoyable in its own way. I highly recommend it.

The Year of Magical Thinking
by Joan Didion (4*)

I've actually read this twice -- once about 12 years ago (before I had kids) and again last year. I've tried Didion's other books (essay collections) but couldn't get into them. This book was much more plain-spoken, accessible, and comfortable. She begins with a fairly "ordinary" death (if such a thing exists) and then walks through the following year to show its extraordinary impact on her life. 

Some of the details can get a bit long - it's more meandering and less compelling than "Still Alice," but it's also non-fiction, personal experience, and laced with interesting insights about how her brain processed her husband's death. 

The descriptions of their lives as successful writers living in NYC and LA were somehow simple yet lovely, in the same way Kathleen Kelley's life in You've Got Mail is charming. I also found it helpful to hear how someone with her worldview approaches mortality and faith, even as I mourned for her lack of hope. 

Finally, the reader on audible was excellent, and I'm almost hesitant to watch the Netflix doc (The Center Will Not Hold) about Didion because I know her real voice won't match Caruso's.

When Breath Becomes Air 
by Paul Kalanithi (3*)

This is my only selection where the real person who was dying wrote their own experience. That made it especially poignant and harder to criticize. I am glad he wrote this for all of us -- but particularly for his family.

On a less fraught note, I liked learning about the issues a brain surgeon faces, the choices and ethical questions they must wrestle as they have a profound impact on their patients. It was also interesting to hear his struggle with how to make plans given an uncertain prognosis. What if he has months left? What if he has years? Should he work? Should they have a child?

This is definitely a raw but thoughtful reflection of his mindset during a critical period of his life. At the same time, it wasn't especially gripping or entertaining. The draw here is his experience, not the writing itself. If it had been longer, I might not have finished it. And I should mention that his wife wrote the last part, so it is understandably more gut-wrenching than everything else in this post.

If I read others along these lines, I'll try to remember to come back and add them to this list...

Wish I'd Known: Post-Op

Yesterday was the first adult surgery in our family. Aaron has had a tonsillectomy and Katherine had tubes put in, but do those even count? Half the population has had both. The recovery from a tonsillectomy is no joke, so maybe we could say that was our trial run. But this time, a parent is down for the count, though only temporarily, thank God. Here's the background and lessons I want to remember (and wish I'd thought to ask our many friends who've done this before!).

Hip at 42?

Two years ago, Josh tore his labrum playing with our kids. He saw an ortho who scared him into thinking he had arthritis and muttered the words "hip replacement." Josh fled to physical therapy, which was helpful to a degree, but never could fix the problem. So he decided to wait and hope time took care of it.

It didn't. Instead, he had continuous and increasing pain as the damage to the joint worsened. In August, Josh finally saw a specialist who would take a stab at a repair. The recovery is worse than a replacement (waiting for bone/tissue to heal vs getting used to titanium), but it preserves the hope that he might be able to run again AND avoid a 2nd replacement in 25 years. A new MRI looked even scarier, so they set a surgery date right away. Yesterday.

What We've Learned in 36 Hours

-- Caregiver, Go to the Doctor -- I wish I'd gone with Josh to his most recent appointment before the surgery. It didn't occur to me that he was receiving all the instructions but I would have to implement them while he was still recovering from anesthesia. I also didn't realize we'd need:

     at the hospital...

• warm, loose-fitting clothes for him to change into post-op (he was shivering from the anesthesia), 
• our minivan not sedan so it'd be easier for him to get in/out, 

     and at home...

• rails for our toilet, 
• a shower chair, 
• all the prescriptions,
• large bandaids, 
• hydrogen peroxide,
• 8oz water bottles to freeze,
• Gatorade, chicken soup, and other nausea-friendly foods (b/c anesthesia and pain meds),
• dinner (see "Clear the Evening"),
• a handicap placard for our car (note from doc that you take to the DMV),
• clear instructions from PT about how much time he'll need to take off work (2 weeks at home, 2 more weeks part-time), and
• a travel wheelchair (we have since borrowed from a friend).

-- Clear the Morning -- Expect an outpatient procedure to take the entire day. Josh's actual surgery was 11am-1pm but he arrived at 7:45am and we got home at 5pm. I wish I'd gone with Josh to check in that morning instead of staying to get the kids off to school. I missed lots of instructions, some were not repeated at the end, and Josh was not in a position to fill me in. 

-- Clear the Evening -- I also wish I'd gotten a sitter for that evening so I didn't arrive home with an invalid and have 4 children crawling all over us begging for attention and dinner. We were both already worn out from the day, overwhelmed by the post-op instructions, and afraid of injuring his freshly-fixed hip. We had a lot to get used to, like how to:

• get him up the 4 garage stairs, 
• walk down the hall, 
• go to the bathroom, 
• make the bed so the melting ice wouldn't soak through the mattress (shower curtain under beach towels),
• get into bed,
• keep his foot from turning out (tie it to the other foot), 
• set up the "game ready" compression/ice-water apparatus (and get a Friday-night replacement when it leaks), 
• figure out first-night meds, 
• etc.

It was quite a bit harder with a 2-year-old on my hip and 3 boys asking questions. Thank the Lord for our parents who picked up the supplies and Chinese food for dinner.

Close as they could get without
being ON his lap.💜

-- Clear the Week -- Expect the post-op care to be intense for several days, maybe a week or more. He needs someone to pick up all the prescriptions. He needs ice every 3 hours, pills every 4 hours, and the toilet...well, yeah. He can't get his own food or drinks or books or laptop or remotes or anything. At least not yet. And he can't drive himself to/from PT or follow-up appointments to check the wound or remove the sutures.

In my head, I figured Josh would pretty much take care of himself since he's an adult. Granted, now that he's lucid, he is handling most of his meds. But he still can't hop up and get something, or carry food from the kitchen, or bend over to pull up his pants. Not to mention take Noah to soccer, hold Katherine on his lap, put our boys to bed, or sit at the dinner table.

A friend asked if we'd need a meal calendar, and I had no idea. Now, I'd say yes to every day for a week, just to get past the worst of it and give us time to get used to all the new routines. A couple friends have also helped with rides for the kids to/from extracurriculars, which is much appreciated. 

It's amazing how many seeds we found
without leaving the house.

Fortunately, we knew this would all be new, that we didn't know what to expect, so we tried not to commit to much in Sept-Oct. But the annual fundraiser for my son's chronic condition only happens 1/year (today). I've been preparing to teach 1 Corinthians this Tuesday all summer (long before the surgery was scheduled). The 3rd grader still had to collect and label 20 seeds for school this weekend. And my 2-year-old suddenly decided she wants to join the potty party and get trained. #thatsanegative Life goes on. 

by Isaac Denny, age 6

And today--with all its crazy--was a pretty good day. Josh's appetite has come back. Noah had a good soccer game and Sonic. Aaron announced that he doesn't mind having NF. Katherine and I enjoyed a few good books on the toilet. Isaac recited a kindergarten poem about rainbows. A neighbor delivered Buca de Beppo. #score And I had a chance to write this up. With all I wish we'd known, our village has kept us from falling flat on our faces. 

Though it's only been about 36 hours... #3weeks6daystogo 🙏😆

So, what advice do you have for patients or caregivers going into outpatient surgery?
What tips do you have for us as recovery continues?