On the Move

I’ve lived in Nashville for 29 years -- since my parents moved here in 1991. I was 13. Needless to say, it’s home, and I love almost everything about my life here.

Especially now that I’m getting ready to leave it. 😳

Not my life; I’m not dying. We’re moving. To Washington, D.C.

Well, Kensington, Maryland, to be more precise—but on the DC Metro #redline #comeseeus and 30minutes drive from the Mall. #comeseeus 

As you can imagine, it took some pretty compelling events to convince us to jump off the train we’ve been riding for decades. I’d sum them up this way:

The last 4 years have been pretty intense for our family, but most of those issues have recently resolved or plateaued. For example: we no longer have an infant but don’t yet have a high schooler. For the first time in years, we can consider...an adventure. 

Josh has a once-in-a-lifetime chance to run the next generation of the Human Genome project, called The All of Us Research Project (https://www.joinallofus.org/en). It will have a global impact on medicine and healthcare. Granted, I’m a #proudwife, but this is objectively the largest research project ever undertaken, and the sky’s the limit on the impact it could have in every area of medicine. It also happens to be squarely in the middle of his expertise—not something we could have planned or orchestrated. #rightplacerighttime

God has opened so many doors, I’ve lost track of them all. At first, I thought, “We have to do this, even though it’ll cost us a lot.” And it will cost us in various ways, but not as many as I expected. As I’ve seen before, when God upends our plans, he shows such grace in helping us adjust to the change.

The whole thing has my mind and heart jumping between opposite corners: excited about a grand new adventure #iloveDC and scared to be walking away from so much that we love. #comeseeus

I’ve already created lists in my journal of all the reasons we believe this could be good for our family. #pleaseGod I’m pretty sure I’ll need to revisit these lists in the near future. #liketonight But even better, we hope you’ll come visit us in DC and join in part of the adventure!! #comeseeus #6DennysdoDC

In the meantime, if you've moved out-of-state with kids, please share your tips and advice in the comments. Also, any suggestions of family-friendly movies about moving (preferably where it's not a disaster) or set in the DC area would be welcome! And then, plan to #comeseeus. 😘

Social Grace

Kids are beloved and complicated. The more I get to know them through parenting or church or friends, the more this sinks in. They are also an amazing, unvarnished reflection of us adults. Maybe this is why it has taken me working with kids to finally understand that the distinctions between the way people think are a matter of degrees on several continuums, and they can change over time. 

For example, people fall on lots of points between neurotypical and autistic. This is NOT to underestimate the impact of autism but to further the recognition that there are so many ways and degrees of being different. Many of those differences are not physically visible, some can actually be “outgrown,” but all of them require insight and compassion to understand, especially in children.

The more I’ve gotten to know a child who has very little social intuition—someone who falls in the middle of that continuum—the more I’ve appreciated the gap between his intentions and others’ perceptions. That gap shifts with each passing year, growing or shrinking with each developmental milestone, but the gap remains a source of distress that puts him at risk for severe misunderstandings.

Here are some specific examples…

— he’s not being greedy when he rushes to take the first/biggest piece; he’s trying to win, because everyone seems to think winning is great (and he hardly ever wins at anything)
— he’s not being cold-hearted when he repeats his request for help cutting his food during my choking fit; he hasn’t processed that what I’m doing should affect what he’s saying
— he’s not unintelligent though he can’t remember your name; his brain just can’t recall names quickly--give him 5-10 seconds and he'll get it right every time
— he’s not being selfish when he gets upset that I'm giving him something second; he’s upset that I’m going in a different order than usual
— he’s not collapsing in a heap because he’s too lazy to clean his room; it just feels impossible to make sense of the chaos--he can’t figure out how to divide the task into steps
— he’s not being ungrateful when you try to offer him a treat and he asks you detailed questions about every option and if there are more options and still can’t decide; he literally cannot figure out what the *right* choice is
— he’s not always trying to get attention when he’s too loud or too close or too rough; he just doesn’t sense things unless they’re turned up a notch
— he’s not trying to stamp out all conversation that’s not about him; he just forgets how to enter into a conversation he didn’t start
— he’s not trying to be insensitive cracking nonsensical jokes at inappropriate times; he just wants to see you smile, and that’s what jokes do, right?
—he’s not overreacting to a momentary injunction; he believes exactly what you said is now a permanent mandate unless you specified a timeframe

—he’s not neglected or overlooked despite his messy hair or odd clothes; he just prioritizes comfort over everything, and it’s not worth battling over a haircut or different wardrobe

--he’s not always angry when it sounds like he’s stomping down the hall or up the stairs; he really is that flat-footed

--he’s not especially rebellious during trips or holidays; he’s just using so much energy adapting to the break from routine that he has nothing left for self-regulation

--he’s not always wild and loud; he’s just overcome by his own excitement at a group gathering; he’s actually a remarkable conversationalist in familiar environs one-on-one.

I’m not trying to make excuses or let someone off the hook for bad behavior. When you know someone well enough, you can start to see when they really are just being greedy or manipulative.

But I also see that discipline alone will not help someone like this suddenly understand the riddle that is social life. They also need teaching, “making the implicit explicit,” reminders, correction, reminders, pictures, role-playing, reminders, therapies, and lots and lots of patience. Not rewarding inappropriate behavior with attention, but also not crushing a spirit that feels blindsided and confused. 

And still, they're not suddenly intuitive, graceful. Will that come with time and maturity? How should one react in those million little moments of annoyance? What underlying lessons will serve them best? And how do the adults in someone's life make sure social gaffes don’t hide their depth and intelligence and creativity and compassion and joy and humor? How do we help them develop the friendships they so desperately want?

We hear a lot these days about isolation and the need for connection, about the need to lean in to people not like us, to stick with real friendships that are messier than virtual ones, and about appreciating the minority voice that doesn’t quite match the dominant culture.

We recently had a visitor who has pastored for 40+ years, and I watched him seamlessly interact with each of my children, meeting them where they are, showing no offense, immediately feeling like a safe, gentle, accepting presence in their lives. And I was reminded *that* is the goal: Christ-like love that doesn’t require social grace or maturity to appreciate the beloved.

And I see God working that out in myself, in my home, in my people. As He does, I cling to His promises to love us better than we love each other, to bring the work He has begun in us to completion, and to soften and stretch my heart deep and wide enough to understand and love well those who see the world differently from me.

Good News

One year ago, we road-tripped down to see Dr. Bruce Korf in Birmingham, AL. He is an international expert on neurofibromatosis (NF) who recently helped open a clinic in Shanghai. If you have no idea why I'm talking about this, you might want to start back at the beginning with Hard News. Otherwise, carry on...

During that visit, we first met with Dr. Korf's right-hand person, and she gave us one set of answers to our questions. Then we saw the big guy himself, and he gave us mostly different--and much better--answers. It was almost shocking the difference in knowledge between Dr. Korf and everyone else we've seen. There really is no substitute for the expert, for the doc who's seen thousands of patients with the same rare (and highly variable) disease.

Why am I just now telling you about that trip?

We've had lots of ups and downs on this road, and it has generally taken months to detect patterns or confirm changes in Aaron's symptoms, so I've grown hesitant to declare a new status quo. Just last month, we had a disappointing blip. But overall the improvement has been dramatic enough that I feel like it's worth sharing, even if things change again.

We had been seeing a GI doc for about a year (bc vomiting), so I'll never forget when Dr. Korf said, "I've never seen a GI drug solve an NF problem." Instead, he prescribed the beta-blocker (propranolol) that has worked the best for his similar patients. A beta-blocker -- a largely benign medicine without all the side effects of the various meds we'd been trying over the past 2 years.

At first, it helped some. Then we upped the dose, and since then, Aaron's vomiting/headache episodes have gone from once every week or two to once every MONTH or two (except for March).

It has been life-changing. We still try to build flexibility into any plans we make with him, but the probability of problems is so much lower, praise God. He's been able to attend an event almost every Tuesday night. Absenteeism is no longer a big problem at school. He's doing so much better at keeping up in class. And, of course, he's just not in as much physical pain. It's all good news.

Which means I'm hopeful going into his annual MRI this summer. Please pray with us that the results are stable or even improve. And thank you for supporting and encouraging all of us along this path.

Someday maybe I'll write about parenting a child with chronic illness. In the meantime, just know that we are incredibly grateful to have Aaron in our family, just the way he is, and continue trusting God's care for him and us.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.Glory to God in the church!Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!Glory down all the generations!Glory through all millennia! (Ephesians 3:20-21) 

And if you're interested in celebrating Aaron's progress with us while also working toward treatments and a cure, please join us May 6th at the Franklin Theatre for a benefit concert to #end NF.

Have Fun! Part 4

(Need a little context? You might want to start back at the beginning: Part 1.)

Adding the Fun

Turns out my forte seems to be in the daily. Here are some examples of family fun that have worked for us, based on our particular needs/interests...

Mornings Before School used to be primarily bickering and rushing. I stayed in bed as late as possible and let the boys get their own breakfast (= cereal which left them hungry an hour later,  frozen waffles lathered with Nutella, or frozen breakfast sandwiches on repeat #sohealthy). I wonder why there was so much bickering?? 😑 This year, it finally struck me that it was my last year they'd all be getting up at a reasonable hour (7am) and maybe if I were more involved, we could turn the ship around. Now I get up by 7am, turn on music, light a candle, start the coffee, make parts or all of a decent breakfast for them, and read a 1-min daily devotional before they catch the bus at 7:45am. I cannot believe the difference, and neither can they. They still thank me for doing it, and this is MARCH. Am I spoiling them? Maybe, but I'm also teaching them how to transform something you have to do into something you can enjoy and what a variety of healthy breakfasts look like. And bonus, I'm not waking up to 40 minutes of argument.

Afternoon Tea. When Josh and I brought home pictures of tea in London, the boys wanted to go. So we started having afternoon tea here at home. We probably do it 2/month as their after-school snack, or on a hump day before school. We use real china, decaf earl grey with a pitcher of milk and sugar cubes, and whatever goodies we can scrounge up from the pantry. Who would've guessed this would be such a hit with my sports- and army-loving boys? 💓

Family Dinner. This gets a lot of press, so I won't belabor it, except to say that it has taken more creativity than I expected. Sitting around the table every night with kids 10, 8, 5, and 1 is not automatically fun. We eat late so Daddy can join us maybe half the time. We use conversation cards when we need a boost. And sometimes I just pull out whatever novel we're reading aloud when I've finished eating (currently The Silver Chair).

Day Out with Daddy. Before school starts each year, Josh takes each boy out for a half day of whatever he wants to do (usually a bounce house and Dunkin Donuts). We've also worked this idea into Christmas: each gets tickets to an event with Josh (local sports, music, or theater). They also get a weekend away with Josh when they turn 12 to talk about... well, you know...

Hobbies with Mommy. What they are evolves as my kids develop, but I'm trying to make sure I share an interest with each of my kids that I don't share with the other kids. Some examples right now: my 11yr-old and I follow John Crist together, my 9yr-old likes to bake with me, my 6yr-old is the only one who wants to help me with crosswords, and my 2yrold is princess-crazy. My kids are moving targets, but I always want them to feel like they share a special interest with me -- usually one they've found and I've jumped on board.

Brit Fantasy Nights. I'm a Brit fantasy junkie, so this is a no-brainer. We read books aloud together all the time (everything from Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, and Paddington to The Hobbit and Harry Potter), but on these nights, we eat food from the books (often "pub food"), dress up like the characters (I have a go-to McGonagall cloak, as one does), and drink soda with whipped cream from beer steins. #itsathing

FMN (Family Movie Night). About 1/week we sit at the FMN table (a console table behind the couch that faces the TV we bought specifically for this purpose), eat pizza, and watch a movie together. #easypeasy Another edition of this is #gamenight involving Disney Apples to Apples, Scene It, or Heads Up ("Disney" so the littles can participate).

Saturday Brunch. We like eating out one meal as a family each weekend. This began when the kids were all nappers, so we'd go out to eat in the morning when their attitudes were still sunny. We've found Saturday brunch has the advantages of being 1) cheaper, 2) no reservations needed, 3) usually family-oriented, 4) kid-friendly food, and 5) it doesn't mess with bedtime. We run the gamut from Donut Den to Homestead Manor, but we almost always manage to incorporate chocolate in the meal somehow.

Hm...They all seem to involve stories and food... 🎯 #litmajor #foodlover

Think Big

Josh, on the other hand, seems especially good at recognizing big investments that will foster family fun. Each of the following has been his idea, gradually adopted by me, and ultimately a wild success with our family. They've all required a significant investment on our part, but I've been realizing that the return in fun, time together, memories, communication, etc. really is priceless.

The Hot Tub: I would never in a million years have guessed we'd be hot tub people. Josh has always been a fan, and would sort our hotel options for trips based on who had a hot tub. Sometimes we'd start in the big pool, but more often than not, everyone wanted to skip the big pool for the hot tub. Still, I wasn't sure about buying one. I could think of several families who had them, but none who used them. Then his 40th birthday came along, and I knew it would be the perfect surprise. It was, but turns out, it has surprised me too. We use it weekly. It's a place we can all talk and play with no distractions. No electronics, no chores, just us outside in the comfy water. We like it rain or shine, night and day, hot or cold. Sometimes Josh grills and we eat down there. Sometimes Josh and I go down there to talk through life after the kids are in bed.

Disney Vacations: I've mentioned before that Josh gradually converted me to enjoying Walt Disney World. It all started because he still shares a love for it with his parents. Now we're all in, and I see the fruit. We're gradually exploring the parks, resorts, and shops, learning the ins and outs, returning to our favorite things, and swapping stories about past visits. We revisit Disney stories before each trip. My Mickey hat sparks joy year-round. And each of my kids asks regularly when we can go back. Some people go to 30A each year. Others take a ski vacation. Others visit a lake house. Many do none of the above. We do this, and I'm grateful we can.

Community Pool: When we moved into our current subdivision, one of the things we missed most was a neighborhood pool -- a place we could go often nearby and see people we knew. We tried out various options these last 2 years and finally settled on joining one 5min from our house. This will be our first summer to try it out, but I'm already anticipating the payback in summer sunsets and worn-out kids. 

Seems all of these involve some kind of pool? Clearly we think in particular veins. What are YOUR favorite family fun traditions? discoveries? What helps you be deliberate about making time for family fun?

Have Fun! Part 3

(Lost? Start with Part 1: Have Fun! Seriously.)

Let Them Eat Cake

But we all want to play, right? Why the soap box? Because I think we can get so busy and hold onto unexamined assumptions to the point that we can poison these brief years when we get to bond with and enjoy our children. We hear plenty about how hard parenting is. I want to hear more about how FUN it is.


Marie Antoinette's apocryphal phrase has always come to mind when people tell me to date my spouse. They're telling me to go have fun with my best friend. It's like they're telling me to eat more chocolate cake. Um, Yes! Thank you! Don't mind if I do.

Playing with my kids hasn't always produced the same reaction. My first response can be laced with dread. Years ago, a friend with toddler boys told me, "I'd rather counsel suicidal teens than play more Hot Wheels." I totally get that. How many cups of air constitute a tea party? How many counting books can I read before falling asleep? Is there anything more inane than 2-yr-old games? Still, sometimes, we stretch and play the made-up run-back-and-forth-waving-arms-in-the-air game. We play that endless game of War with a mongrel deck of 75 cards. Or we learn how to pitch the baseball to a young hitter in the driveway and run all over to retrieve the balls. #gotsomeexperience

But lately I feel like God has been showing me ways of creating fun for all of us. I believe this gets easier when they're in elementary school, but I can also see it getting harder when they're teenagers, so now feels like the time to establish it as a priority for all of us -- something we all want to protect for years to come.

I think it starts with protecting the "margin" in our family's schedule. It's why I stay home with the kids, it's why we outsource some chores, and it's why each of our kids only has 0-1 extracurriculars at a time, none of which are overly burdensome on our family. We don't do this out of nostalgia, but because it seems like the only way for all of us to feel healthy. Not everyone can make these same choices, but that doesn't change that these choices are good for our family, in our particular circumstances.

So what does creating a culture of family fun look like? A few things I do not mean...

• Giving kids whatever they want, buying them lots of stuff, or sending them off to fun activities with their peers. I'm talking about the activities where our family plays together.
• Everyone thoroughly enjoying every moment of my best laid plans. #asif This is why there's a hashtag #forcedfamilyfun. #trialanderror #futurefunnystories
• Each person staring at their own screen with headphones on during an activity. I'm not opposed to this at times; it's just not playing together.
• Going into debt to pay for the fun. Sometimes, it requires trade-offs, delayed gratification, or coming up with creative cheap or free ideas, I'm just not recommending charging it.
• Organizing all of our kids' play time. #Heavenforbid I am ALL FOR boredom being the mother of invention and all that. Mine get plenty of time to play independently and make their own fun. Since laissez-faire is my default, that is not what I have to work at.
• Self-care. I also don't have to be told twice to get a pedicure or spend a few hours in a coffee shop. This is not about individual play. I'm talking about with our kids.

Usually, creating family fun means taking something one of us already likes and building on that to transform the mundane into something fun for most of us. #redemptioninthedaily

We don't always have to create it; sometimes we just have to choose it. Sometimes I can almost see the choice in front of me when something benign and silly happens: 1) to be annoyed and roll my eyes like I'm 14--my natural tendency, or 2) to be amused and all laugh together. I can see my kids looking to me for how to react. What's she gonna do? It may feel like I'm literally forcing myself into #2, but when I do, it pays off.

Lightening up the culture in our home can also mean literally fixing the lighting -- making it more comfortable, lighting a candle, dimming it first thing in the morning, opening all the curtains, etc.

Music may be the most obvious tool for improving the setting for our family interactions, but it's still one I often forget. My 9yrold works better with KidsBop on, and you know what? It makes everyone shimmy a little bit, which we need when they come home and crash after school. I also noticed a distinct difference when I switched from NPR in the morning to Christian music. A background of worship set a very different tone than reports on political outrage or death tolls in the middle east. #gofigure

All of this is of course reliant on our family being a safe place where we show kindness and compassion and have clear boundaries and rely entirely on the grace of God to shine through our weakness. That is already priority #1 and generally gets a lot of attention -- as. it. should. With that in mind, these posts are designed to highlight a lesser-discussed area that I have underestimated.

But enough telling, tomorrow I'll post some examples of planned play that have worked for our family with absolutely no guarantees they will work for yours: Part 4.

Have Fun! Part 2

(Confused? Check out Part 1 first.)

So why don't we play more?

Do not be anxious...Consider the lillies...
Matthew 6:25-34
photo by Katy Southern

I'm pretty sure a lot of parents are running scared. It's all over the news, podcasts, etc. Enrolling kids in tons of activities, worrying about mass shootings, scared the kids are sexting, afraid they won't be able to compete in a global economy, and apparently even cheating kids' way into college.

I believe it is driven by a media-fed sense that the world is more dangerous, more competitive, and more challenging to live in than ever before, so we have to be more vigilant and work harder than ever before.

It is not based on truth. Our kids' lives are not bound to be worse than ours. The global economy is not a zero-sum game. Culture is constantly twisting, evolving, swinging like a pendulum, pushing forward here while stepping back there, but it is not going To Hell in a Handbasket, as I discovered back in 2011 (my blog posts from that time at the previous link). I believe more than ever that it is critical for people to know this.

"By almost any measure, the world is better than it has ever been. People are living longer, healthier lives. Many nations that were aid recipients are now self-sufficient. You might think that such striking progress would be widely celebrated, but in fact, Melinda and I are struck by how many people think the world is getting worse. The belief that the world can’t solve extreme poverty and disease isn’t just mistaken. It is harmful. That’s why in this year’s letter we take apart some of the myths that slow down the work. The next time you hear these myths, we hope you will do the same." - Bill Gates, Annual Letter, 2014

When I processed these ideas 8 years ago, I was focused on how our view of global progress affects our charitable work (people only work on problems that feel fixable). Today, I'm more aware of how it affects our parenting, or you could say, how it affects our children.

Bottom line? Parenting from a place of optimism is not as unrealistic as I used to think. 

Good Fun
(or, A Theology of Play)

Even if I'm not running scared, my desires to recognize privilege, fight isolation and injustice, be financially responsible, train my children well, and work faithfully for the kingdom of God can keep us running. They can also make stopping to play seem indulgent or frivolous.

I am only now appreciating the importance of resisting the fear/guilt wave and protecting that time--moving play up from the bottom rung of the to-do list--not just because we need rest, but because we need to play.

Certainly, we can find joy alleviating the suffering of others and find contentment in the midst of difficult circumstances. And we do! I would never endorse a gospel that frames "the abundant life" as one requiring prosperity or all play with no work.

But I don't want to present Christian family life to our kids as dour, frenetic, duty-bound, uphill, marginalized, or desperate. I have several friends who assumed this was their fate when they became Christians. It was only after their conversion that they realized Christianity buttresses our reasons to play, see beauty, and have hope. It is the truest source of joy and optimism.

Perhaps the best gift my current church has given me is the awareness that God is so much bigger and better than my limited efforts anyway. He has not put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't have to panic. I can focus on what He has called me to do and trust Him to only give me what He has equipped me to handle (1 Cor 7:17, 10:13).

photo by Katy Southern

Turns out part of my calling is nurturing a culture of fun with my family -- injecting it into the everyday, carving out time for it, teaching my kids how to find it, and enjoying one another with humor, story, and food.

God established a day of rest AND feasts for remembering His provision. He also created the giraffe, the flamingo, and the snapdragon; clearly, He has a sense of humor. Jesus first used His miraculous powers to extend a party already in progress. Paul told the Philippians:

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Russ Ramsey adds this in his essay on the value of including beauty in our diet:

I know that for me, the unrestricted access I have to everything that is wrong with the world can be a light so blinding that I lose the ability to see, or the capacity to empathize well, with the real and present struggles and sorrows of those in my own community. I don’t want to become a blind and numb media consumer with a three second attention span because my mind and eyes are continually feasting on a diet of evil, cynicism, scandal, and hot takes. 

What are my kids' minds and eyes feasting on when they are with me? If they only experience me disciplining them, criticizing them, taxiing them around, pointing out brokenness in the world, working, and generally managing our household, how will that affect their view of... the world? Christianity? God? me? their value? If it takes 9 compliments to offset any criticism, how many moments of love and joy do I provide to offset correction? And if I'm not modeling how to turn everyday tasks into enjoyable activities, how will they do it? Do you see where I'm going with this?

If not, hopefully you will tomorrow: Part 3.

Have Fun! Seriously.

Why now?

As we're preparing for the adolescent years, one thought keeps running through my brain: I can't imagine not feeling close to our kids. Right now, it feels like we're all best friends. Granted, this particular arrangement would get creepy eventually. We are raising them to leave us.

Fine print: This is not a promise or
guarantee. Denny & Co may not
be held responsible if it turns out
to be worth less than the paper
it is not printed on. 

But I've heard from empty nesters whose kids call often and those who never do. I can't control that outcome, but I can influence it. I know this, because I can tell what makes us more likely to reach out to our friends and family. I'm going to list some factors here so I can hold myself accountable in 20 years:

1. They show an interest in us - whether it's calling, visiting, or following me on social media.
2. They make an effort to join us where we are, to help in our stage of life.
3. They don't guilt us but give us grace for who we used to be and who we are becoming.
4. We respect one another.
5. We have good shared memories that laid the foundation for continuing affection and common ground.

Older Me will need to implement 1-3, and 4 is critical, but it's 5 that has gotten me thinking. Jen Hatmaker talks about it well in Of Mess and Moxie, but otherwise I hear very few discussions about prioritizing family FUN. I'm not talking about magazine-cover fun (I'm looking at you, bucket listers). I'm talking about creating a culture in my home today where humor is safe and laughter is chosen more often than impatience. Where we play regularly enough that we'll all remember the fun in 20, 30, 40 years. Where we often enjoy the present and expect a bright future.

When my Dad turned 65, I tried writing a list of the reasons he was The Best Dad in the World. It was shockingly easy. It was also the first time I fully appreciated all the ways my dad--who travelled for work every week--had managed to play with me as a kid: from "Where's Carolyn?" to letting me "style" his hair to bringing home a purple-sequined "Daddy's Little Girl" shirt to singing Blessed Assurance with me before bed night after night, year after year.

And that really got me thinking about how my parents' playfulness and positivity influenced more than just how much we call them today; it influenced the way I see the world and even the way I see God.

If that's true, why don't we play more? Good question! See Part 2.