Parent Getaways? Overnight Sitters

We love to travel, but we don’t always take the kids, because:

1. We need marriage-building time. 
2. They’re not old enough. 
3. It’s too expensive.

Growing up, it felt like my parents took us on every other trip, which was fine with me. Josh and I are trying to take 1-2 trips (sometimes just a weekend) per year without the kids. 

Which means we need overnight sitters. For four children.😳 

When I joined Josh on a business trip to London in June, I employed every trick I knew to make my 7-day absence a success, and it worked pretty well.

This past Friday, I left for a long weekend in NYC. I’d been busy-busy with birthday plans and VBS and whatnot right up until Thursday at 9pm when I started packing. The kids were with Josh(Dad) Fri-Sun and a sitter Sun-Mon. My attention was not focused on that last 28 hours. So I forgot all the things. (😳#2) 

Then, flight delays extended my absence by 16 hours, and all the things became even more important. (😳#3)

Thankfully, it all worked out OK, but not without angst all around. Turns out that after all these years of leaving the kids with sitters overnight, I still need a list. And given the number of questions I get about this, maybe you do too. 

So, as a counterpoint to my post about Traveling with Kids, here’s the list for when we leave our precious little people at home...

Preparing for Overnight Sitters: Top 10 Tips

1. WHO? My best advice is to start with childcare professionals — teachers from your kids’ school, people that work in your church children’s ministry, an off-duty nanny, etc. Grad students can work out well if they have experience with kids. The trick is always finding someone comfortable juggling multiple kids AND available -- bonus points if they already babysit for you. 

In addition, make sure they are comfortable handling meal preparation, routine chores (i.e. dishes), transportation for your kids (driving your car, moving car seats, etc), and agree ahead of time on contingency plans:

• What if one of your kids gets sick? Can they handle it? How serious does it have to be for them to call you? At what point should they expect you to come home early? 
• What if they get sick? Is there someone they could call to help them?
• How long can they stay after your official trip if you’re delayed? Do you have friends/family around the day after who could take over?

Trust me: There’s nothing more helpless than being in another state or country and realizing you have different expectations on these points — or didn’t even think about them. 

2. WHEN? Whenever you can get them! In my experience, the place on the Venn diagram where your options and their availability overlap is teeny tiny, and usually falls on weekends and school breaks (b/c teachers). 

Note, if we're leaving on a 6am flight, I always give them the option to arrive the night before after the kids are in bed (they usually take me up on it so they don't have to arrive at 4am) -- same on the other end if we're set to arrive home late at night, they're welcome to stay over rather than stay up.

3. HOW LONG? In my experience with *my* kids *so far* (who are 2, 6, 9, 11), eight days is the max. By then everyone is starting to melt. I also think that’s as much time as I can cover/prep for. 

But that’s not to say I’d leave them with 1 sitter that long. Everyone gets worn out in someone else’s home, with someone else’s people, so we’ve found 4 days is a comfortable max for someone to stay with our kids. Plus, a fresh face halfway through breaks it up for the kids. That does mean there’s a transition while we’re gone, but it’s worth it. 

4. HOW MUCH? This is variable, obv. The key is of course trying to find that perfect spot -- high enough to make it worth their while, low enough to be worth yours. I usually state it up front in the ask, so they can decide with all the info. And I do a bulk, flat rate, based on about $125-150 per 24-hour period. Three factors influence what we offer:

• The experience level/capability of the sitter
• The ages and numbers of kids and plans they have to juggle
• How much I want to go or need that particular sitter to accept #desperation
• And retroactively (i.e. tip), any wrenches we threw in their experience (illness, delays, extra plans)

5. INSTRUCTIONS? I may leave TMI, but I'd rather it all be available than not. First, I keep a quick-and-dirty schedule for our kids' average day on the fridge for reference (this is always there, not just for trips). I also keep a list there of Katherine's bedtime routine so it's easy to reference. 

For more detail, here are the key points in the too-long document that I email sitters a few days before we leave and print out for them to have on the kitchen counter:

• Schedule: Hour-by-hour table with the kids' schedule for each day (much of which is the same but not all), including any folks that will be coming by the house (mower, cleaner, packages -- I've forgotten these before and given the sitter a good scare). I used to plan a lot to keep the kids busy, but it made my prep and the sitter's life rough. Now I try to clear the schedule and just offer optional outings. (One of the many things I neglected last weekend.)
• Codes: WiFi, gate or garage entry, alarm system, screen/ipad/netflix access, etc.
• House Rules: i.e. "Wake the baby; clean the playroom. Food stays in the kitchen. No hits above the neck. Timeout for disrespect." Just don't make these any more strict than you actually are. I've made that mistake before and nearly incited a rebellion. Also, give the babysitter a chance to spoil the kids a little -- everyone will enjoy themselves more, your kids will not confuse their rules with yours, and your kids will be more open to you leaving next time. ;)
• Food: Ideas for what the kids are used to eating at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack. Rules about soda, desserts, etc. 
• Sleep: Bedtime routines. What to do if a child wakes in the night.
• Health: Any prescriptions, ongoing medical issues, preferred hospital/doctors, allergies, DOBs, and insurance. 
• Hygiene: Bathing, clothing, screen time routines.
• Contacts: Neighbors, family, close friends they can ask for help.
• Our Itinerary: flights, hotels, cell #s, etc.

6. FOOD? Here's a hard-won lesson: Perishables and leftovers will not get used. It surprises me every time, but someone else just doesn't know your fridge/kitchen like you do, so they won't finish those blueberries, that tupperware of spaghetti, or the package of lunchmeat -- even if you ask them to use it first. We've had a wide variety of sitters, and this has always been true, even if it's a food the kids love.

Instead, make sure your fridge or pantry has the bare necessities for PB&J, cheese toast, hot dogs, and breakfast cereal. Otherwise, I try to leave a freezer full of easy-to-heat options like frozen pizzas, hamburgers, fish sticks, corn dogs, breakfast sandwiches, and other kid-friendly, heavily-processed foods.

7. EXPENSES? I usually leave at least $100 in cash for incidental expenses that might arise while we're gone, including fast food, gas, etc. If you're on-the-ball, I'd recommend leaving it in an envelope on the counter with the instructions and asking them to put the receipts in the same envelope. I know this can sound anal, but it's always a little disconcerting to come home and find a few pennies left and no explanation of where it all went. If Josh has to turn in all his business receipts, I don't think it's too much to ask.

8. COMMUNICATION? If Josh and I are both gonna be gone more than a couple days, I like to leave a couple cards (with the printout schedule) from us for them to open around days 3 and 5. I also try to text pics of things we're seeing that remind me of the kids to the sitter (to show the kids). And if possible, we might FaceTime when the 2-yr-old is asleep (so we don't remind her of our existence). If you're a sitter reading this, I LOVE getting pics of or hearing quotes from my kids. Anytime.

9. RE-ENTRY? No one knows your house like you do. I never walk from one room to the other without taking something to put away. But I don't do this at other peoples' houses, and most sitters don't either. Mine usually make a much-appreciated effort to clean up, do the dishes, and have the kids put toys away. But don't be surprised if you get home and the house looks a little disheveled. It missed you. That's normal, and it's not a reflection of how well your babysitter cared for your kiddos. Also, bring small gifts for everyone at home.

10. STAY THE COURSE! You will hit a point -- especially if this is new to you -- when it feels like this trip could not possibly be worth all the preparation involved. When you planned it, you had amnesia. How could you have thought you could leave your people for a week?? But then you will get on that plane and spend a week pretending you're 25 again without a care in the world. And on your return, you will start brainstorming where you will go next. And amazingly, your kids will be just fine. #bonvoyage

Women in the Church

Y'all, I started drafting this post 42 months ago, and I still publish it today with trepidation. But, I think it's time to put it out there. Still, if you think this means I think I've got it all figured out, please read this first: Back in the Saddle.

Four years ago, a whole new can of worms thrust itself on my consciousness. I did not want to open it. It is messy and difficult and raises conflicts that I prefer to avoid. Which is why I think God had to force it upon me.

The issue? Women's roles, particularly in the church. 

Frankly, it didn't seem like a big deal at first. There are lots of different perspectives on it within orthodox Christianity, so it's not considered a core theology. And considering how far women have come in the last century, it seemed less of an issue than in the past. 

Then everything changed, I was boarding my flight to a Christian women's conference with a line-up of amazing co-ed Bible teachers. I pulled up the FAQ out of curiosity, and was shocked to learn that men are not allowed to attend the conference because some member churches do not believe women should be allowed to teach the Bible to men. The corollary is also true: no women teach at their conferences men attend.

If you're not an evangelical Christian, this will probably sound absurd. I am an evangelical Christian and it sounded absurd. But it turns out this is the tip of a very large iceberg. 

Upon arriving at the conference, I found the pre-conference was on the subject of gender roles. At the book tables, I found a new booklet by an author I respect. I read it, thought it sounded about right, and put the issue to rest. 

Ha. Ha.

The following week, I showed up at my first meeting with a segment of our church's leadership, where they announced we would be studying the role of women in the church. Hm. This might require more than a handy-dandy little booklet...

Process

I started by emailing a few trusted friends for advice, and suddenly, I was off to the races. Studying my Bible, reading books, listening to sermons, discussing with friends and pastors, and trying to wade through what has turned out to be a really important and under-appreciated (at least by me) issue. 

As a result, I have found my perspective expanding. It is taking time to process what that means, what its ripple effects are, how it is changing my worldview, and I'm still eager for "devil's advocates" to test ideas. I don't even feel like I've landed in one spot with any certainty, and I began this trek 4 years ago. But I do feel confident my understanding of gender issues in the church is stronger, healthier, and more biblical than when I began.

If you've been with me a while, you may remember my old post, Seeing Blind Spots; this process is not unusual for me. I'd spent the year before this all began awakening to a whole other systematic injustice issue (racism), so maybe God knew I was poised for another mental earthquake - but one where I carried even more responsibility and influence.

Still, the process is not easy. I'm convinced this is why most people don't change their views very much, why we tend to read those we agree with, and why God has to force me to face errors in my thinking.

One of the first books I read presented an unfamiliar perspective on the issue. I read it with a defensive and critical posture. I kept listening and reading and thinking and months later came back to that same book but found it to be a whole different book! How did it make so much more sense this time? Why didn't I get it originally? Because I wasn't ready. Too much mental processing still had to happen, and it's hard to shortcut.

Which is why I'm only going to 1) give a general intro on the subject, 2) touch on some of the surprising things I've learned on this journey, and 3) refer you to some of my favorite sources if you're interested in exploring it yourself.

Respectfully exploring a subject like this requires a lot of head and heart work, and no one else can do it for you. If you're interested, if you feel God tugging you to take another look, or if your church is tackling some of these issues, I urge you to DIG IN. And don't just read one viewpoint. Read about each viewpoint from people who believe that viewpoint. You will be amazed how much you learn.

Overview

First, the two primary perspectives on how gender should affect the church are often called "complementarian" and "egalitarian." I will use these terms because they are popular, but the terminology can be misleading, since within mainstream evangelical scholarship, everyone agrees men and women are equal in value and complementary (i.e. different).

Complementarians

I've generally found "complementarians" believe the genders are of equal value but positions of authority in the church and home are limited to men (they often say the genders have different "roles," though the restrictions in the church all seem to be on women). Complementarians agree that gender-based male authority was part of God's created order and abuses of that authority were a result of the fall.

There is tremendous variation in where complementarians draw the lines restricting women. Many--though not all--believe women should have equal access to positions in the secular marketplace but not in the church or home. Some believe women cannot ever teach men, others believe they can teach Christian living but not theology, others believe they can "teach" but not "preach," others believe they can preach but not lead or rule (i.e. vote on the governing board), some believe they can lead on the mission field or in a parachurch ministry but not in an American church, some believe they can "direct" a ministry but not "pastor" a ministry, others believe they can teach men occasionally but not regularly or in private but not in public, etc.

So really, it might be more accurate to think of this issue (women's roles in the church) as a continuum, with conservative complementarians on one end and egalitarians on the other.

For an exposition of complementarianism, check out the book Women and Ministry: What the Bible Teaches by Dan Doriani, this series of articles by Thabiti Anyabwile via The Gospel Coalition, or The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood's website.

Egalitarians

I've found "egalitarians" believe the genders are of equal value, men and women are different and complementary, and that both should have equal access to any position in the church or society for which they have the character and competency (or "gifting"). Egalitarians believe that authority's tie to gender was a result of the fall/sin, and that Christ brought reconciliation with the priesthood of all believers.

Egalitarians have more uniformity in practice since they believe both genders should have access to any position. Sometimes their views differ on gender roles in marriage. However, I have found the more striking variety is the list of exegetical reasons they are egalitarian. I have heard many different interpretations of each of the key texts in support of an egalitarian viewpoint.  

For an exposition of egalitarianism, check out the books Beyond Sex Roles by Gilbert Bilezikian, this blog series by Rachel Held Evens, or Christians for Biblical Equality's website.

For those with a blended perspective (ex. gender-based roles in marriage but not the church), check out Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus on Christian Leadership by Sarah Sumner, Through His Eyes: God's Perspective on Women in the Bible by Jerram Barrs*, or this essay by Park Street Church pastor Gordon Hugenberger.

Discoveries

Now, rather than reiterate all of the exegesis and biblical arguments found in the above resources, I thought I'd let you explore them for yourself. :)

Instead, I thought I'd list a few of the ideas I have personally found surprising on my journey...

1. There are people on every part of the continuum from "egalitarian" to "complementarian" with a "high view of Scripture" (i.e. they believe it is inerrant), who earnestly seek the most accurate interpretation of the Bible's teaching on the issue, and who believe their view is it. I have found the biggest misconception is that the other side (egalitarians or complementarians) is sacrificing biblical accuracy for the sake of cultural acceptance. There may be some who do, but most of the evangelical scholars I've read are committed to the authority of the Bible first and foremost.

2. We all approach this issue with preconceptions and biases, because of our gender, upbringing, social circle, professional community, etc. No one is immune. Furthermore, everyone feels they are shedding their cultural biases in taking their position. Complementarians show courage by bucking secular culture. Egalitarians show courage by bucking traditional conservative culture. In my life, traditional conservative culture (Southern modern American Protestant 20th-century values, biblical or not) holds sway and is most difficult for me to resist, partially because resistance can have costly consequences for me and my family. 

3. None of the respected scholars in this debate promote the "historical" (3rd-20th century AD) church's position. Everyone is advocating what they believe was the view of Jesus, Paul, and the New Testament church. Until the 20th century, the post-apostolic "historical" church reflected the greater culture's belief that women were inferior to men. Women generally were not educated or allowed to own property, earn an income, become a professional, vote, or hold any position of leadership in co-ed enterprises (including government). Thus, all the respected, modern evangelical scholars I have read--complementarian and egalitarian--are advocating reform on the church's "historical" view of women -- the difference is in the proposed revision. 

4. The church has undergone many reforms over the past centuries which have improved our understanding and application of the Bible's teaching. Examples include the church's views on polygamy, geocentrism, slavery, racism, and of course, grace (i.e. The Reformation). Progressives are generally comfortable with this idea, but conservatives are by definition hesitant to admit that tradition (not the Bible but the church's interpretation of it) was wrong - or could be wrong about something now. Conservatives also tend to see a slippery slope behind every proposed reform. I believe the key block to any slippery slope is the Bible itself. We have nothing to fear so long as the reform makes the church more biblical -- more true to the Bible's intent -- not less. 

5. These reforms are possible because hermeneutics (the study of biblical interpretation) is far less settled than I previously thought. There is disagreement among scholars about what the rules should be, in what order they should be applied, and how to apply the results in a modern context on a variety of issues that lie outside the core creeds.

Hermeneutics is critical because a "plain reading" of the text is usually not possible on these controversial issues - otherwise they would not be controversial. No respected evangelical scholars claim that 1 Corinthians 11 means men may not cover their heads but women must. They don't say 1 Corinthians 14 means women have to be silent in the church today. I have also not read anyone saying men must raise their hands when praying as instructed in 1 Timothy 2, or that a woman today is saved by having a baby. Everyone acknowledges that these passages require study and discernment to be properly understood and applied (i.e. hermeneutics). This complexity would also explain why scholars on both sides of the debate have diverse interpretations of the most-cited scriptures.

6. This issue is really important. When there is so much common ground (i.e. the genders are equal and complementary), gender issues can start to feel insignificant. After all, most complementarians today will let a woman teach, lead prayer, sit in on leadership committees, lead certain ministries, and participate in congregational votes. So why the big fuss?

As I've been discovering, there are huge practical implications based on where limits are placed on women in ministry, from the personal (how we believe God created women and sees them) to the global (how the church is impacted by having all male leadership). Where people--and ultimately churches--land on these issues has very real impact on the lives of church communities.

More Resources

...Which is why I have found the stories of those people and institutions who have gone through a similar process helpful, including:

• Men and Women in the Church by Sarah Sumner (book)
• Grace Community Church of Noblesville, IN: (audio/transcript)
• 2/2/14 Our approach to the bible and spiritual discernment 
• 2/9/14 Our approach to women in leadership 

• Grace Chapel of Lexington, MA senior pastor's testimony (AV)
• How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals by Alan F. Johnson (book)

Finally, why have I even bothered to put this all together?
1. Because it has helped me organize my thoughts and record this part of my journey (see "Back in the Saddle").
2. To test out these ideas/sources and see if you poke holes in them.
3. As feedback for all those who have helped me or questioned me along the way so far.
4. Because I would have found a post like this incredibly helpful 4 years ago!! ;)

I hope you do too!

*While Barrs' position on women's roles in the church is unclear (I searched but could not find one from him), his chapter 20 "Your Daughters Will Prophesy" in this book led me to put him in this category.

Traveling (with Kids)

We love to travel. I grew up with a dad who traveled for work, meticulously tracked his frequent flyer rewards, and used them on us so we could see the world. #luckyiknow

Then I married an aspiring doctor. Doctors don't travel! Except mine.🙋 Hallelujah he has learned the ropes of tracking points to get free trips, so now I'm back to traveling again. Sometimes without kids. Often with. (And don't worry, to everything there's a yang. I have 4 little kids and a hubs who travels a lot. Don't be jealous.)

But this is my world, so I get questions about traveling. Today I thought I'd collect some of the tips that have helped us in the past...

     Why We Do Disney
     How We Do Disney
     Why We Fled the Country
     Italy in Retrospect (2nd half is travel tips)

And add a few more, with an emphasis on big-picture ideas that have been key for us. Sorry if they sound bossy. They might not work for you. I make no guarantees. But if one of them helps, mission accomplished. Here we go:

1. Frame your Trip as an Adventure.

If you hear "travel" and picture carefree time napping on white beaches, you can stop reading now. That is a "vacation," an escape from responsibility in order to rest. That is lovely, sometimes necessary, often helpful, but that is not "travel," and it's certainly not travel with kids. Which will probably not surprise you.

However, you might be surprised how often people approach any trip as if it is supposed to be vacation. I paid for this. It's not "work." Therefore, it should be easy and carefree. Even if they're flying across an ocean or visiting a place they don't speak the language.

I believe this is the biggest trap Americans fall into. It can rapidly skewer any trip. It creates unrealistic expectations that turn quirks into annoyances, surprises into disappointments.

There is a remarkably easy fix: frame travel as an adventure. Look for stories to tell, puzzles to solve, and inspiration that can only come from the unfamiliar (good, bad, and ugly). We are wayfinders, observers of people, explorers of the wild. We want to see God's creativity, humanity's diversity, and how our bodies can cope with all of it. We do it for the thrill, the memories, and because it makes us stronger, deeper, and wider.

If you approach travel like Indiana Jones or Maya Angelou rather than Carrie Bradshaw, then sleepless nights, missed connections, and incompetent tour guides become your bread and butter. Not that you're reckless -- you've done your due diligence, read the reviews, planned the best trip you can -- but when new experiences are not as you imagined them (#duh they're new), you won't be wrecked.

Josh and I have spent many lovely nights in Paris, but the one we reference far more than any other is that hot, loud summer night in Montmartre at the cheap hotel with no AC where we had to keep the windows open (to breathe) and heard the locals all night long laughing, arguing, and playing music.

Would I book that hotel again? No.
Did that sleepless night wreck our trip? No.
Do I remember that night every time I read about the 1920s art renaissance in Paris? Absolutely.
It was part of the adventure, and in its own quirky way, it enhanced our trip.

Before I move on, I have to mention that experiences in both directions can do this. Using Josh's Marriott points in London, I got a great deal on a 5-star hotel during our last trip. It was the only time we've been greeted with a special shot of juice and nibble of chocolate at check-in because they'd asked in advance what we like to eat/drink. It knocked our socks off, and will be another story we remember. Does that mean we need to stay at 5-stars to be happy? Uh, no. THAT would be doom indeed.

One last thing on this note: Choosing to frame travel as an adventure communicates that perspective to the kids traveling with us. When they see us tackling the unexpected with relish or managing disappointment with grit, they are more likely to follow suit. We're all human, so none of us does this immediately or perfectly, but when appreciation and resilience form our home base, we'll end up back there after our initial reflex, and so will they. We hope.

2. Fill in Context.

The first time we took our kids to Washington DC, it was to see where Daddy was working on assignment. I was focused on seeing his temporary life there, not on preparing the kids for the city.

Once we got there, I realized my mistake. My oldest had a smidgeon of context from his 1st-grade social studies class, but it was hardly enough to get my 3 boys excited about a city they'd barely heard of. So we quickly rented Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian and National Treasure and spent a few hours in the apartment filling in gaps, giving them a picture of why the sites we'd be visiting matter.

We can tell our kids they should be thankful, they're so lucky to see ___, that this is a really cool ____, but if they haven't seen or heard of it in conversations or novels or documentaries or the myriad ways we form impressions of landmarks, we're just telling them how to feel, not making them feel it.

And this principle isn't just for kids. Before we travel somewhere, I look up books (travelogues or novels) and movies that are set in that locale. I brush up on why this place is interesting, why we're bothering to visit it, what stories have taken place there.

Before we visit Walt Disney World, we watch Disney movies and listen to Disney's endless library of songs. On our way to the UK, I read Bridge Jones Diary or About a Boy or Agatha Christie or Jane Austen. I'm preparing now for a trip to NYC so I dusted off From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler, You've Got Mail, Serendipity, and Rules of Civility, to name a few. If my kids were coming, Home Alone 2 would be on that list. You get the idea...

3. Remember your Audience.

Whether that audience is you or your children, make sure at least half your time is spent on what the audience wants to do, not just what you "should" do. You can't go to Paris and skip the Louvre. But you don't have to spend days in the Louvre, and you can set aside time to see Julia Child's apartment or the filming locations for Hugo Cabret, even if they're not on the top 15 lists of things to do in Paris.

I've spent the last few years mentally editing our "someday" trip to London with our boys, and I can tell you it won't be filled with the National Portrait Gallery and architecture tours. It will be full of castles and kings and Harry Potter and Peter Pan and playgrounds and the Natural Science Museum and afternoon tea (which we do at home to condition them to love it ;)). If we explore the Cabinet War Rooms, it'll be after we read The Book Thief and watched some of Darkest Hour (see #2).

The point is, we will stretch them--and ourselves--by seeing some of the "must-sees." But we'll provide as much context as we can, and we'll reserve the rest of the time to meet our kids where they are, to show them the magic of that place in the language of their developmental stage. We'll whet their appetite, so someday they'll want to come back as adults and do the stuff that currently looks "boring."

And we'll do the same for ourselves, even when we're kid-free. #grace

Ok, now for the nitty gritty. When planning for travel...

4. Join every Loyalty Program that's not a credit card.

Hotel chains, airlines, rental car companies, restaurants, you name it. They cost nothing to join, and while you may think, "I'll never be here again," you just might. A couple nights at an Accor (European) hotel every few years eventually adds up to a free stay. But really, why NOT? Because in travel...

Loyalty is a virtue. You want to stay at a boutique hotel? Go for it. But at least check to see if Hyatt has a boutique hotel in that city. Most chains are forming more heterogenous collections and adding local-flavored options to their offerings. And many small businesses are finding ways to join global networks so you can earn/use points with them. Don't assume every Marriott will feel like the Fairfield off the interstate. I just booked The Bernic in NYC with Hilton points. Globalization has its benefits.

5. Use Travel Sites Carefully.

TripAdvisor is my go-to for reviews, but it deletes some critical reviews and shows positive reviews up top. It also places a lot of weight on "value," so a top-ranked hotel may not be very nice but "earned" its rating because it's cheap. I still find the reviews helpful, but I know this going in. Same with Kayak, where their aggregated pricing can be helpful, but I don't assume they're showing me all the options. I also know their mobile site gives me better prices than on my laptop. #hmm

Also, sometimes it is worth booking through a discounter (i.e. Expedia, Priceline, Hotels.com). But beware -- discounters have access to a limited number of rooms, so they may show a hotel as sold out before it is actually sold out. Some hotels also treat discounter reservations with less...care than if you'd booked directly.

Finally, hotel chains are starting to go head-to-head with discounters, guaranteeing the lowest price and offering extra perks for booking with them. In fact, if you don't book directly with Hilton, your stays at their hotels will not earn you points with their loyalty program. That may not be a deal-breaker, but it's good to know if the prices are similar.

6. Pack well. 

This is going to mean something different for every trip, but for us, it often means packing light so we're not weighed down with bags between hotels. It also means each person carries their own stuff.

To be specific, we have found the following products helpful:

As Adults
- Phone chargers (the kind that extend your phone life without a socket handy)
- Power converters (i.e. allows you to plug into Euro sockets)
- Ponchos (cheap, plastic) for when you have to be outdoor on rainy days
- Extra carryon bags that collapse into a sandwich bag for unexpected purchases (like this duffle)
- 4-wheelers i.e. suitcases you don't have to tilt to move (Note: I used to love travel backpacks but now that I'm old, they hurt my hips after a day at an art museum😬. Also, we've found the best--cheap--selection at TJ Maxx).
- Global entry -- it's a little-known program that gives you TSA-pre (faster airport security) and a breeze through US customs (helps with connections). If you have an airline credit card, they might even pay the fee for you.

With Kids
- Inflatable booster seats (we use Bubble Bums)
- Double-Bob stroller -- It's our vehicle/pack mule whenever we're planning to walk all day (exploring cities or amusement parks). I know it's priced like a vehicle, but after years and miles upon miles, it IS a vehicle to us.
- Backpacks that are lightweight and roomy (1/kid, each a different color, these have been our favorites).
- Matching t-shirts -- Walmart usually has a good selection of brightly-colored cool-wick t-shirts for $5-8/each. You will not believe how much easier it is to find your children in a crowd if they're all wearing the same bright color.
- Noise machine -- No one wants to hear every cough in the room, and these can plug in to run all night.
- Lollipops -- Particularly for takeoff/landings on airplanes, because they last a while and keep them sucking (to help their ears).
- TSA-pre (or global entry) also allows you to bring your kids through the faster/easier security line.
- No pack-n-play.🙅 It may sound risky, but in my experience, hotels always provide one. We've travelled with 4 babies and never been stuck. And pack-n-plays are too bulky/heavy to bring "just in case." If you're really risk-averse, bring a KidCo peapod (but make sure they've slept in it before you travel).
- Toy Bags. I hand each child over age 3 a gallon ziplock bag, and they fill it with small toys for the trip. They pack it with their clothes in their backpack and keep their backpack with them at all times while traveling to/from destinations. I fill it for the 2-year-old, or I'm pretty sure she'd pack my shoes and the salt shaker in her bag.
- Entertainment. We let each child bring 1 paperback book in their backpack (or the littles can have 2-3 of the Berenstein Bears ilk). I pack DVDs in a sandwich-size ziplock bag. If we're driving, they know they can watch 1-2 movies in the van while we are on the highway (depending on trip length). We don't use them for airplane rides (they don't work for our littlest and the bigs don't need them anymore), but we will pull them out if we're all staying in one hotel room so the big boys can watch in the bathroom on Daddy's laptop while the baby sleeps in the main room. #bathroomtheater ;)

And finally, 3 tips for while you are on the road...

7. Take Time Off from site-seeing.

There's all kinds of research that says drinking from a firehose isn't the best way to learn or experience...anything. We retain too little and enjoy it even less. So take your time. Pick 1-2 main events each day and don't crowd them. It's always tempting to squeeze in more -- when will we be here again? then I can say I saw it! it's so close to us! -- but the law of diminishing returns applies here. When your gut says you need down-time, take it. #noguilt

8. Go to Church. 

I know it sounds...preachy? But seriously, we have found it immensely encouraging to worship with people from many backgrounds in different countries. We don't usually know anyone there, and we don't awkwardly work to meet people we'll never see again -- we just sit shoulder to shoulder with people who are so different and yet just like us. There is something about experiencing the global church -- and all its surprising styles -- that feeds faith. It also helps broaden our kids' view of church -- that it's not just our local community, something their parents do, but it truly is a global phenomenon.

9. Buy Something from a Nice Shop, not a street vendor.

Cheap t-shirts are everywhere. And if you love them, great. But I have only started realizing lately that the dress shirt Josh got in Rome is far more useful and valuable to us than any trinkets. The painting we had shipped home from Bath still hangs in our hall. I'd rather add 1 nice piece from a country to our permanent collection of stuff than more $5 disposable toys/souvenirs from every hovel.

Well, that's it for now. Feel free to add ideas in the comments!

Denny Kids 10, 8, 5, 1

Three years ago, I posted an update on each boy. I LOVE reading it. So I'm thinking it's time for another list of what makes these kiddos so fun right now.

Right now being the operative words. I'm not trying to label them early or set their personalities in stone -- they are still heavily influenced by developmental stage, birth order, current teachers, latest books read, etc. I'll always remember that I spent Noah's first year thinking I could sum up his personality with the word "content." Which is now HILARIOUS. But seriously, it's precisely because they change so fast that I want a snapshot of how they are TODAY.

Isaac first, since he's never first, poor guy...

ISAAC (5, pre-K)

A few favorites...
books: You Can Count on Monsters (counting #fathersson), Ballpark Mysteries (audio)
movie: Star Wars #evergreen
video game: Minecraft
toys: legos, action figures
mispronunciation: "legular" for regular
extracurricular: baseball or basketball
Disney ride: Kali river rapids
cereal: Raisin Bran Crunch
bed: sleeping bag #lowmaintenance
music: TobyMac, The Greatest Showman
doppleganger: Papa Denny
professional aspirations: cowboy, sailor, doctor, coach

- Purposeful. He speaks clearly and with purpose, because: boy #3. How ya gonna get heard?? It's possible he'll be our type-A child, as he takes his pursuits very seriously, one of which is becoming his oldest brother. (Not a giant leap: Noah, meet your mini-me.) I love seeing how much Isaac wants to practice sports, solve puzzles, and participate in everything. Once he learns how to read this year, I think he'll leap forward and never look back.  

- Careful. He is still my most sensitive to darkness, literal and figurative. He uses a noise machine at night, audio books during rest time, and doesn't watch all the movies his brothers do. I'm proud to see him increasingly able to set boundaries for himself, and it's good to see his aspirational nature pushing him to be brave. #kindergartenready
- Christian! For months, Isaac had been asking about Christianity and acutely aware that he had not chosen it for himself. Then the week before Easter, Isaac's close friend asked our family at the dinner table if we're Christians, and Isaac piped up with "I'm not!" Until Good Friday, when he leaned over to me during the Stations of the Cross mass at St. Louis' Cathedral Basilica and said, "I asked Jesus into my heart." #puddle And as has been true with each of my boys, ever since, he has shown an excitement about Jesus and joyful desire to learn about him that is inspiring. Praise God.

AARON

books: Harry Potter 1-4, Encyclopedia Brown
character: Ron Weasley
toys: swords
mispronunciation: "gwit" for grit
food: jelly
extracurricular: martial arts
Disney ride: Everest, Haunted Mansion
cereal: frosted fruity mini-wheats
bedfellows: ALL the blankets & stuffed animals #nest
music: Schoolhouse Rock
nemesis: homework
doppleganger: Papa Stewart
professional aspirations: scientist, comedian

- Exhuberant. Aaron makes "breakfast" for me, writes cards to family, says thank you to the clerk at the register of any store, and donates coins at church. He is also the most passionate about all things British from the Hobbit, HP, Narnia, and Paddington to "afternoon tea" and marmalade. Lately he's been begging to go on our next trip to London. #bestillmyheart He will also say, "You're the best mom ever. Well, maybe not the best... I mean there are other good moms... but you're the best mom I've met here in my lifetime." Which brings me to...

- Honest. Aaron is meticulous about telling the truth, though just this week he said something about, "Well, I could have not told you that..." #gettintoosmart But he's still a committed rule follower, to the point that he feels real distress if he sees others crossing the line. It can be socially disastrous, but you gotta love the strength of his moral compass. At the same time, I love the honesty of his faith. Sunday, he asked a series of questions about whether everyone can go to heaven, so we walked through Romans 9 on the spot. I live for convos like this and love his inquiring mind.

- Prayer. He is the first volunteer to pray on any occasion, and always includes the following (which he developed organically during 1st grade): "Thank you for this day, thank you for my family--including Katherine, and all our relatives. Help me to get to sleep well, help me to have no nightmares. Help everything to be well in my control and not in my control, and stuff like that, if you know what I mean. And if I didn't say it, help it to go well."
And prayer is key right now, as we're 2 for 2 finding 2nd grade to be a tough year, with its dawning awareness of social issues, flaring emotions, and personal identity formation. Aaron is in the thick of it, and often needs reminders that he is a masterpiece from God and a gift to our family -- both absolute truths.

NOAH
books: Wingfeather Saga
movie: Avatar
video game: NBA2K
toys: action figures
extracurricular: basketball
Disney ride: Avatar Flights of Passage
cereal: Rice Krispies
music: Lecrae, NF
celebrity: Damian Lilliard
teams: Blazers, Patriots, Cubs, Reds
nemesis: perfectionism
doppleganger: Daddy & Uncle John
professional aspirations: NBA, sports business

- Funny. I LOVE Noah's playful side that still giggles at my jokes and asks Alexa goofy questions. He's silly with Katherine, writes the funniest little comics (sometimes on the church bulletin, about the sermon), and his brothers are always asking him to tell them stories (because his stories are hilarious). He recently gave me a "top secret" dossier with several pages of legalese and memos on how we were going to convert Josh into a Blazers fan. If someday he's a lawyer, he'll be the coolest lawyer out there. 

- Teachable. We have really seen Noah blossom in the past year, becoming more mature, thoughtful, and positive. Maybe most of all, I've been amazed how receptive and responsive he has been to suggestions from us, whether on academic, social, or...athletic fronts. While we never barred him from playing football someday, with time (and encouragement), he has gradually shifted his interest to almost every other sport, most recently soccer and golf. We are elated -- and he seems happier than ever. Except during and after his own team's losses. #lifelessons
- Responsible. This is most obvious in how Noah owns his schoolwork (homework, grades, projects) so that I never have to be involved. It's bliss. What's new? 1. He cares about his grades. 2. I can leave him home alone for short periods. 3. He's responsive when I ask him to do chores (or re-do chores). 4. He came home from camp asking to do a  Bible study together. #thanksDeerRun All of these are pretty life-changing. And reinforce that I have experienced no greater miracle than watching my children grow into themselves.

KATHERINE

books: The Foot Book, Usborne's Trucks, Gallop

extracurricular: playground slides

food: pizza, fruit

cereal: Life

toys: shoes, baby dolls, purses

fashion: bling

bedfellows: thumb only - she throws everything out of her crib
fear: Mommy leaving, teeth coming

doppleganger: Mommy

- Moving. Katherine rarely sits still. She wouldn't sit through a board book until she turned 2, and she still doesn't have any interest in TV/movies. We took the ergo and stroller to Disney and then she walked everywhere. Which also explains her aversion to hours in the carseat. Some of this has to be in her DNA, but even typing this, it occurs to me that I am always on the go, only sitting when she's asleep. So there's that...
- Independent. I'll never forget the first time I noticed Katherine (18mo) standing at her high chair, bib in one hand, baby food in the other, asking to eat. This girl came prepared, even before she could speak. I've also noticed her lining up her babydolls and giving each their own babyfood. Isn't it just like a woman to get dinner for everyone? AND clean up. She'll go get the towel to wipe up her spilled milk, and then drop a little more just for the fun of cleaning it up. But it's not just in the culinary department: Yesterday she brought me earbuds and plugged them into my laptop. She (unsuccessfully) insists on sitting in Isaac's (car)seat, and she's grabs her socks, shoes, purse, drink, and sunglasses at the slightest indication of an outing. This trait is immensely helpful in a 4th child, and we're hoping to capitalize on it in the potty-training dept ASAP. We're just waiting on one more thing: words. She understands most of what we say, but it's not mutual yet. #comeonbaby #talktome
- Female. I am shocked how different it feels parenting Katherine vs. her brothers. She is so much busier, has a shorter attention span, more initiative, fewer words, and less cuddling -- all the reverse of my expectations. However, she adores shoes, purses, baby dolls, and glitter, though they're outnumbered by legos and action figures 100:1 in our house. She even picks the princess plates from among the Thomas, Elmo, and Star Wars options in the drawer. She's momma's girl right now (💘) but she also has her brothers and Daddy wrapped around her pudgy little fingers. Basically, I am thankful every day that God gave us this best. surprise. ever.

Crazytown

That's what the end-of-school is. The school year cruises along month after month without much need for mama's involvement except for the odd IEP or school party, AND THEN, just when you're starting to look forward to the lazy days of summer -- dun! dun! dun! -- the last 3 weeks hit. Jen Hatmaker wrote a classic post about it that literally made her famous. Which means if you're in my stage of life, you GET it.

But if you don't have school-age kids, it can sound cliche. Like we just want to sound busy to feel important. I mean really: Why so crazy?? TCAP is done. Summer's coming. ???

I recently had someone make the comment "What's one more kid?" and I totally understand what they meant. That is often true if the kids are playing in the backyard, or I'm making dinner for 6 vs 7.

BUT don't talk to me about "What's one more" during Crazytown.

I have several fun and positive posts in the works. I love my kids and our community and our school and teachers and motherhood. Just check out my Insta or FB feeds. Promise.

In fact, 95% of the following are good things. They bring adventure and relationship to me and my children. I'm happy to do them and thankful someone else is planning them for my children. The only thing worse than having to handle them on my end would be having to create these events in the first place.

So...WHY is this Crazytown? Why are all the school-age mamas running around with their babies melting down?

I'm stealing an hour from the million little details of this season to write this up because:

1. It's worth answering this question with cold, hard facts -- a taste of what mamas everywhere are juggling during the last few weeks of school, in no particular order. 
2. I don't want to forget what this feels like -- or underestimate it for others.
3. This season makes me feel like a total flake and seeing it written out helps me give myself grace.
4. I'm thinking it might do the same for someone else.

This is NOT comprehensive, because by "an hour" I mean I'll be interrupted momentarily. But hopefully it's enough so we all get the picture.

And if you're a teacher reading this, please, for the love of all that is holy and safe, don't send home that one extra note that asks just to bring that one extra thing in... We love you and appreciate you and could never do your jobs. Seriously. But that one more thing NOW? It just might do US in. Ask in October. Ask in February. Just do. not. ask. in. May. Let it go.

Because, this is what we're up to today...

1. Daily Folders -- Check each child's all-important folder, which is the sole repository of hard-copy communication between their entire daytime school life and their entire rest-of-their-life life. Assuming child brought it home. And to school. And home again. 😬 It may be the only way parents become aware of upcoming tryouts, tests, past assignments, teacher gift contributions, etc. The only link IF the child has bothered to change out the folder while at school.
2. Class E-newsletters -- Save these emails from their teachers (1-2/child/week), because inevitably you will have to search your email to find out What are you supposed to wear for this program? Is today special somehow? Did I order a sack lunch for this trip? When is that project due?
3. Coach and Team Emails -- Also 2/child/week updating game times, locations, snack schedules, team picture times, tournament standings, and new make-up game times. Sadly you can't just save these. You have to actually add games to your calendar and start rejiggering all your carpool and dinner plans (ha!) pronto.
4. Bike Day -- This requires sending the child out to the garage to find a helmet that still fits and bike that still fits (or the blessed scooter that requires 0 skill b/c child needs more bike-riding lessons) and has tires inflated, plus a handy water bottle, then labeling all with his name on masking tape. The morning of, he must be slathered in sunscreen (this will be a theme), delivered with all of the equipment to school, and later picked up with--if you're lucky--all of the equipment in tow.
5. Field Trip #1 -- First, ask your son for the all-important permission slip, sign and make sure it goes back in the folder with a check that will presumably make it from parent to folder to teacher to office. Then email your child's lunch order to the teacher, find out the dress code, and then make sure those items exist in his sizes in your home (latest: khaki pants and white button-down shirt). Pray they are clean and might survive the yellowing sunscreen and sweat of the trip. IF the parent actually wants to attend the field trip, then schedule and keep appointment for fingerprinting, allow 2 weeks for background check and approval as a volunteer, book a babysitter during a school-year weekday (ha!), and figure out where/when to meet the class. Plus pack yourself lunch & sunscreen, and prepare baby's day with sitter (transfer carseat, cash for outings, etc).
6. Field Trip #2 -- see 5. But replace khakis and white shirt with grade-and-year appropriate school t-shirt -- NOT brother's school t-shirt (different grade, different color) or last year's school t-shirt, but this year's, this grade's, this boy's t-shirt.
7. Field Trip #3 -- see 5. or 6. Repeat.
8. Field Day -- Find those same grade-and-year appropriate school t-shirts (times the number of siblings at this school) and clean them (again), slather sunscreen on everyone before school, find and label water bottles and hope they make it into backpacks -- and home again someday. If the parent wants to "stop by" for pics, she must remember 1) her ID to get in the school, 2) walking shoes because each child's class will be at the other end of the grounds when she does visit, 3) phone for snapping pics of only her child, and 4) the time slots when each of her children will be out under the sun (you can't knock them all out at once). Plus hats and sunscreen for self and younger sibs being dragged along.
9. Wax Museum -- Make sure child completed research and report on famous person, memorized their spiel, and has attempted to assemble a costume from the playroom bin or sports equipment. Notify spouse as soon as you discover "wax museum parent preview" in some written materials somewhere. Book babysitter if during sib's naptime OR carry fragile baby into bustling elementary classroom full of people in costume. #winning Capture on video/pics for anyone who missed it (i.e. dad).
10. Poetry Tea -- Find a carefully-chosen moment to ask your child if he memorized his poem and pray it doesn't lead to a melt-down or cram session with mama. Attempt to book weekday babysitter or once again bring fragile baby into busy classroom. Try to shower and change out of pajamas before attending and bringing some part of the nut-free, ingredient-listed, individually-wrapped snack for 25 kids plus parents.
11. Poetry Chapel -- Sigh with relief that this child has been practicing his poem nonstop and will finally get it d-o-n-e. Plan to stay after school drop-off for the performance but forget to tell spouse or grandparents. Attend with younger siblings in tow, video class performance, and send to all the relatives.
12. Talent Show -- Confirm that the child is passionately committed to performing in the talent show before reluctantly sending in the sign-up form by due date. Guide child in choosing recitation piece, practice with child, record video of practice to send in for approval by due date or instruct babysitter to record video and email to you so you can email it in for approval immediately after due date. Re-write part of recitation so it does not include the word "bullet" (naughty Shel Silverstein), practice with child with new wording. Book naptime babysitter for younger sibs, confirm talent show on spouse and grandparents' calendars (or write feverish text to invite them the day before), show up to sit through 30min of 1st and 2nd-grade talents before your child performs for 20 seconds. Record on phone and share with relatives.
13. Snack Mom -- On your previously assigned week, remember (when the teacher texts to ask you where they are) to buy and send 4 days of healthy, nut-free, individually-packaged snacks for 12 preschoolers. Realize your week includes May 4th and send pretzel-stick lightsabers that day, your one and only Pinterest win that makes you mom-of-the-year for a whole 10 minutes.
14. Preschool Graduation -- Take pic of wedding-style invitation and text to spouse and grandparents 2 weeks before. Make sure you and your child have clean white outfits that still fit and are almost the right season. Sign up and pay in advance for group childcare during ceremony. Bring younger sibling and diaper bag to childcare. Attend ceremony and take pics. Forget to take pics of student with teachers. Don't forget to pick up younger sibling afterward.
15. Spring Program -- Send text to spouse and grandparents inviting them. Put it on your calendar. Discover 3 days beforehand (in the latest teacher newsletter) that you had the time wrong: send correction to spouse/grands so everyone can rework their schedules. Send child to school in "church" clothes and hope that fits the instructions which you've forgotten. Show up on time with younger sib in tow and sit in the very back corner were there are still available seats. Grab zoomed-in pics of child walking up to stage, standing on stage while everyone else sings songs, and then walking back to their classroom.
16. Teacher Appreciation Week -- Review teachers' "favorites" lists to find/buy/make easy, inexpensive but personal and touching gifts that overlap on all the lists and can be sent on the bus with each child without being destroyed en route. Wrap all the gifts, distribute to the appropriate backpacks, and pray.
17. End of School-year Party -- Sign up to bring nut-free, healthy, ingredient-listed, individually-packaged snackfood for 15-30 kids. Reserve time on calendar, get cash so you can send in exact $ for communal lunch pizza, buy snack food you signed up to bring, bring it with you to end-of-the-year party along with fragile younger sibling, sunscreen, drinks for non-student guests (yourself, sib, spouse, grands) and a sack for all of the art and paper and "gifts" you'll be receiving at the end-of-year party. Don't forget to take pictures of each student with each teacher. Write it on your hand! Don't wipe forehead.
18. Team Party -- Debate what to make your family for dinner, knowing you'll be driving your child to and from the team party 30 minutes away, lasting 4:30-6:30pm, and knowing you'll end up with fast food to kill the time between drop-off and pick-up because by the time you get home around 7pm there will only be time for homework and bed. Call the school by 3pm to remind your child he's a car-rider today. Rush home after car pickup because your child rode the bus anyway, then check GPS to be sure it's still worth driving to the party. And grab cash from your emergency stash when you get there because you forgot they were ordering out.
19. Baseball Games -- Coordinate with blessed team parents how your children will get to practice 30minute before game time. Plan snacks, a to-go dinner, pack folding chairs, make coffee (yes you now drink coffee in late afternoon), assemble uniform pieces so the short interval between school and practice is not consumed by a frantic search and meltdown. With siblings in tow, go to and watch game while socializing with other (essential) team parents/friends and fielding requests from siblings for concessions. Don't forget to bring cash. And hats. And umbrellas. And diapers. And close-toed shoes. And your coffee. Then take it all home with you. Player included. Plan on pep talk afterward if his team lost. And lots of laundry. Red-dirt laundry.
20. Birthday Party -- For your family member, a classmate, a best friend, younameit -- SOMEONE has a birthday during these 3 weeks -- or 3 someones in our case -- and you must get a thoughtful gift, a card (which you write in) and remember to contact them on that day. And give them the gift. And RSVP. And take your child to the party and pick them up afterward if it's for a kid. Or prepare their favorite meal if it's in your household. Like your husband.
21. Mother's Day -- Because someone had a sense of humor when they planned it during Crazytown. So book babysitter and make restaurant reservations and contact family members in town to plan brunch celebration. Order gifts for out-of-town mother figures and make sure they're delivered in time. Call mothers and grandmothers that day. And buy yourself a few mother's day gifts because hubby is clueless. #homegoodsftw
22. Anniversary -- Because we were clueless when we set this date pre-marriage and pre-children. Block lunch date on hubby's calendar because dinner's just too much on the Tuesday before school ends.
23. Prepare for Vacay -- Because it's the Promised Land you're sprinting toward these last few weeks. Your entire family (yourself included) is counting down the days until school ends and everyone can rush out of town for a week before Memorial Day and the rest of the world descends on your favorite vacation spot. But that means the last weeks of school you're also assembling matching shirts (so you don't lose a child on the still-crowded vacay), sunscreen, hats, comfy shoes, food for the condo kitchen, tickets to the entertainment, airport transportation, bathing suits (sigh), coordination with accompanying relatives, etc.
24. Prepare for Summer -- Because after the vacay, you'll come home and 2 months stretch before you with a plethora of summer camps and babysitters already booked and full. So reserve all the tutoring and day camps and part-time sitters BEFORE you leave for vacay, i.e. during end-of-school.
25. Find Lost Textbook -- or order it on Amazon and work out schedule for child to pay you back...

There's the door! Boys are home. Off to the races...

And may your Crazytown be as full of blessings and grace as ours has been.

It's Complicated

How we watch the Olympics

Jamie: "Ok Claude, when do we bust out of here? And how?"

Claudia: "On Wednesday. Here's the plan. Listen carefully."

Jamie: "Make it complicated, Claude. I like complications."

-- From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

I get this about Jamie, I really do. Complications keep life interesting. A simple life can be a boring life. It's probably one of the reasons we had children -- several of them. And it must be the part of me that wants a dog. #gluttonforpunishment I want life to be an adventure (see pics to the right 😆), and adventures don't come from ease and simplicity.

But this week, the complications have felt more like a giant jigsaw puzzle than an adventure. I have been weighed down by the feeling that no one knows my kids as well as I do or understands their strengths and needs and circumstances as I do. Which means it's up to me to figure out what -- if anything -- should be done on each front.

Porch life

My husband is an amazing father who is passionately engaged with our kids, but he's got a pretty serious day job (which also happens to make my job possible), so he's often not available when complications arise during the week. And no one else is around to see how the before-school, after-school, extracurricular, homework, playdate and other routines are going.

A mentor once told me, "Be a student of your children." As my kids have grown and their personalities and social relationships have become more complex, I see the wisdom in her advice -- the necessity, really. I am not a helicopter parent (see When We Have to Helicopter), but I am the only adult in a position to notice patterns or problems across my kids' spheres (home, school, church, sports, and year-to-year, season-to-season).

Just one of the boys... #babygirl

I inadvertently attended a lunch-and-learn last week about depression. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the title of the event, but if I had, I wouldn't have gone, and if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have noticed some (medication-related) red flags in one of my kids the very next day.

At first, this freaked me out a little. What if I didn't happen to go to that lunch? How far would it have gone?? 

But then I remembered something else: I didn't "just happen" to do anything. And I'm not the only one who knows my kids inside and out. Their futures are not actually on my shoulders.

I've been a Christian for HOW LONG and I still forget that God calls himself our parent? Which means He is also their parent. Their loving and all-knowing parent. The one who really is responsible for their development. When I have to lean in, He is right there with me. 

I spy the cutest fish ever!

It doesn't make life less complicated. I still have to lean in, to push against my nature. I don't suddenly feel light as a feather. But remembering this perspective does help my shoulders relax a little. It lowers the stakes: It's not all up to me. I have to make decisions, but if I miss something, God will bring it to light, or if He doesn't, it'll still work out for our good in the end (no matter how painful the path feels). 

I find it hard to keep that truth in mind, so I decided to type out some of the related verses/promises (from The Message paraphrase) here, in hopes they get a little deeper into my brain.

Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Rock-a-bye baby...

Matthew 7:7-11 "If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"

Matthew 6:26-30 "Look at the birds, free and unfettered...careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds...Walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? ...If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?"

Exercising with me

Hebrews 12:6-11 "God is educating you...He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best."

Ephesians 3:15-20 "I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

Romans 8:32-39 "With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? ...The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!--is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.