Crazytown

That's what the end-of-school is. The school year cruises along month after month without much need for mama's involvement except for the odd IEP or school party, AND THEN, just when you're starting to look forward to the lazy days of summer -- dun! dun! dun! -- the last 3 weeks hit. Jen Hatmaker wrote a classic post about it that literally made her famous. Which means if you're in my stage of life, you GET it.

But if you don't have school-age kids, it can sound cliche. Like we just want to sound busy to feel important. I mean really: Why so crazy?? TCAP is done. Summer's coming. ???

I recently had someone make the comment "What's one more kid?" and I totally understand what they meant. That is often true if the kids are playing in the backyard, or I'm making dinner for 6 vs 7.

BUT don't talk to me about "What's one more" during Crazytown.

I have several fun and positive posts in the works. I love my kids and our community and our school and teachers and motherhood. Just check out my Insta or FB feeds. Promise.

In fact, 95% of the following are good things. They bring adventure and relationship to me and my children. I'm happy to do them and thankful someone else is planning them for my children. The only thing worse than having to handle them on my end would be having to create these events in the first place.

So...WHY is this Crazytown? Why are all the school-age mamas running around with their babies melting down?

I'm stealing an hour from the million little details of this season to write this up because:

1. It's worth answering this question with cold, hard facts -- a taste of what mamas everywhere are juggling during the last few weeks of school, in no particular order. 
2. I don't want to forget what this feels like -- or underestimate it for others.
3. This season makes me feel like a total flake and seeing it written out helps me give myself grace.
4. I'm thinking it might do the same for someone else.

This is NOT comprehensive, because by "an hour" I mean I'll be interrupted momentarily. But hopefully it's enough so we all get the picture.

And if you're a teacher reading this, please, for the love of all that is holy and safe, don't send home that one extra note that asks just to bring that one extra thing in... We love you and appreciate you and could never do your jobs. Seriously. But that one more thing NOW? It just might do US in. Ask in October. Ask in February. Just do. not. ask. in. May. Let it go.

Because, this is what we're up to today...

1. Daily Folders -- Check each child's all-important folder, which is the sole repository of hard-copy communication between their entire daytime school life and their entire rest-of-their-life life. Assuming child brought it home. And to school. And home again. 😬 It may be the only way parents become aware of upcoming tryouts, tests, past assignments, teacher gift contributions, etc. The only link IF the child has bothered to change out the folder while at school.
2. Class E-newsletters -- Save these emails from their teachers (1-2/child/week), because inevitably you will have to search your email to find out What are you supposed to wear for this program? Is today special somehow? Did I order a sack lunch for this trip? When is that project due?
3. Coach and Team Emails -- Also 2/child/week updating game times, locations, snack schedules, team picture times, tournament standings, and new make-up game times. Sadly you can't just save these. You have to actually add games to your calendar and start rejiggering all your carpool and dinner plans (ha!) pronto.
4. Bike Day -- This requires sending the child out to the garage to find a helmet that still fits and bike that still fits (or the blessed scooter that requires 0 skill b/c child needs more bike-riding lessons) and has tires inflated, plus a handy water bottle, then labeling all with his name on masking tape. The morning of, he must be slathered in sunscreen (this will be a theme), delivered with all of the equipment to school, and later picked up with--if you're lucky--all of the equipment in tow.
5. Field Trip #1 -- First, ask your son for the all-important permission slip, sign and make sure it goes back in the folder with a check that will presumably make it from parent to folder to teacher to office. Then email your child's lunch order to the teacher, find out the dress code, and then make sure those items exist in his sizes in your home (latest: khaki pants and white button-down shirt). Pray they are clean and might survive the yellowing sunscreen and sweat of the trip. IF the parent actually wants to attend the field trip, then schedule and keep appointment for fingerprinting, allow 2 weeks for background check and approval as a volunteer, book a babysitter during a school-year weekday (ha!), and figure out where/when to meet the class. Plus pack yourself lunch & sunscreen, and prepare baby's day with sitter (transfer carseat, cash for outings, etc).
6. Field Trip #2 -- see 5. But replace khakis and white shirt with grade-and-year appropriate school t-shirt -- NOT brother's school t-shirt (different grade, different color) or last year's school t-shirt, but this year's, this grade's, this boy's t-shirt.
7. Field Trip #3 -- see 5. or 6. Repeat.
8. Field Day -- Find those same grade-and-year appropriate school t-shirts (times the number of siblings at this school) and clean them (again), slather sunscreen on everyone before school, find and label water bottles and hope they make it into backpacks -- and home again someday. If the parent wants to "stop by" for pics, she must remember 1) her ID to get in the school, 2) walking shoes because each child's class will be at the other end of the grounds when she does visit, 3) phone for snapping pics of only her child, and 4) the time slots when each of her children will be out under the sun (you can't knock them all out at once). Plus hats and sunscreen for self and younger sibs being dragged along.
9. Wax Museum -- Make sure child completed research and report on famous person, memorized their spiel, and has attempted to assemble a costume from the playroom bin or sports equipment. Notify spouse as soon as you discover "wax museum parent preview" in some written materials somewhere. Book babysitter if during sib's naptime OR carry fragile baby into bustling elementary classroom full of people in costume. #winning Capture on video/pics for anyone who missed it (i.e. dad).
10. Poetry Tea -- Find a carefully-chosen moment to ask your child if he memorized his poem and pray it doesn't lead to a melt-down or cram session with mama. Attempt to book weekday babysitter or once again bring fragile baby into busy classroom. Try to shower and change out of pajamas before attending and bringing some part of the nut-free, ingredient-listed, individually-wrapped snack for 25 kids plus parents.
11. Poetry Chapel -- Sigh with relief that this child has been practicing his poem nonstop and will finally get it d-o-n-e. Plan to stay after school drop-off for the performance but forget to tell spouse or grandparents. Attend with younger siblings in tow, video class performance, and send to all the relatives.
12. Talent Show -- Confirm that the child is passionately committed to performing in the talent show before reluctantly sending in the sign-up form by due date. Guide child in choosing recitation piece, practice with child, record video of practice to send in for approval by due date or instruct babysitter to record video and email to you so you can email it in for approval immediately after due date. Re-write part of recitation so it does not include the word "bullet" (naughty Shel Silverstein), practice with child with new wording. Book naptime babysitter for younger sibs, confirm talent show on spouse and grandparents' calendars (or write feverish text to invite them the day before), show up to sit through 30min of 1st and 2nd-grade talents before your child performs for 20 seconds. Record on phone and share with relatives.
13. Snack Mom -- On your previously assigned week, remember (when the teacher texts to ask you where they are) to buy and send 4 days of healthy, nut-free, individually-packaged snacks for 12 preschoolers. Realize your week includes May 4th and send pretzel-stick lightsabers that day, your one and only Pinterest win that makes you mom-of-the-year for a whole 10 minutes.
14. Preschool Graduation -- Take pic of wedding-style invitation and text to spouse and grandparents 2 weeks before. Make sure you and your child have clean white outfits that still fit and are almost the right season. Sign up and pay in advance for group childcare during ceremony. Bring younger sibling and diaper bag to childcare. Attend ceremony and take pics. Forget to take pics of student with teachers. Don't forget to pick up younger sibling afterward.
15. Spring Program -- Send text to spouse and grandparents inviting them. Put it on your calendar. Discover 3 days beforehand (in the latest teacher newsletter) that you had the time wrong: send correction to spouse/grands so everyone can rework their schedules. Send child to school in "church" clothes and hope that fits the instructions which you've forgotten. Show up on time with younger sib in tow and sit in the very back corner were there are still available seats. Grab zoomed-in pics of child walking up to stage, standing on stage while everyone else sings songs, and then walking back to their classroom.
16. Teacher Appreciation Week -- Review teachers' "favorites" lists to find/buy/make easy, inexpensive but personal and touching gifts that overlap on all the lists and can be sent on the bus with each child without being destroyed en route. Wrap all the gifts, distribute to the appropriate backpacks, and pray.
17. End of School-year Party -- Sign up to bring nut-free, healthy, ingredient-listed, individually-packaged snackfood for 15-30 kids. Reserve time on calendar, get cash so you can send in exact $ for communal lunch pizza, buy snack food you signed up to bring, bring it with you to end-of-the-year party along with fragile younger sibling, sunscreen, drinks for non-student guests (yourself, sib, spouse, grands) and a sack for all of the art and paper and "gifts" you'll be receiving at the end-of-year party. Don't forget to take pictures of each student with each teacher. Write it on your hand! Don't wipe forehead.
18. Team Party -- Debate what to make your family for dinner, knowing you'll be driving your child to and from the team party 30 minutes away, lasting 4:30-6:30pm, and knowing you'll end up with fast food to kill the time between drop-off and pick-up because by the time you get home around 7pm there will only be time for homework and bed. Call the school by 3pm to remind your child he's a car-rider today. Rush home after car pickup because your child rode the bus anyway, then check GPS to be sure it's still worth driving to the party. And grab cash from your emergency stash when you get there because you forgot they were ordering out.
19. Baseball Games -- Coordinate with blessed team parents how your children will get to practice 30minute before game time. Plan snacks, a to-go dinner, pack folding chairs, make coffee (yes you now drink coffee in late afternoon), assemble uniform pieces so the short interval between school and practice is not consumed by a frantic search and meltdown. With siblings in tow, go to and watch game while socializing with other (essential) team parents/friends and fielding requests from siblings for concessions. Don't forget to bring cash. And hats. And umbrellas. And diapers. And close-toed shoes. And your coffee. Then take it all home with you. Player included. Plan on pep talk afterward if his team lost. And lots of laundry. Red-dirt laundry.
20. Birthday Party -- For your family member, a classmate, a best friend, younameit -- SOMEONE has a birthday during these 3 weeks -- or 3 someones in our case -- and you must get a thoughtful gift, a card (which you write in) and remember to contact them on that day. And give them the gift. And RSVP. And take your child to the party and pick them up afterward if it's for a kid. Or prepare their favorite meal if it's in your household. Like your husband.
21. Mother's Day -- Because someone had a sense of humor when they planned it during Crazytown. So book babysitter and make restaurant reservations and contact family members in town to plan brunch celebration. Order gifts for out-of-town mother figures and make sure they're delivered in time. Call mothers and grandmothers that day. And buy yourself a few mother's day gifts because hubby is clueless. #homegoodsftw
22. Anniversary -- Because we were clueless when we set this date pre-marriage and pre-children. Block lunch date on hubby's calendar because dinner's just too much on the Tuesday before school ends.
23. Prepare for Vacay -- Because it's the Promised Land you're sprinting toward these last few weeks. Your entire family (yourself included) is counting down the days until school ends and everyone can rush out of town for a week before Memorial Day and the rest of the world descends on your favorite vacation spot. But that means the last weeks of school you're also assembling matching shirts (so you don't lose a child on the still-crowded vacay), sunscreen, hats, comfy shoes, food for the condo kitchen, tickets to the entertainment, airport transportation, bathing suits (sigh), coordination with accompanying relatives, etc.
24. Prepare for Summer -- Because after the vacay, you'll come home and 2 months stretch before you with a plethora of summer camps and babysitters already booked and full. So reserve all the tutoring and day camps and part-time sitters BEFORE you leave for vacay, i.e. during end-of-school.
25. Find Lost Textbook -- or order it on Amazon and work out schedule for child to pay you back...

There's the door! Boys are home. Off to the races...

And may your Crazytown be as full of blessings and grace as ours has been.

It's Complicated

How we watch the Olympics

Jamie: "Ok Claude, when do we bust out of here? And how?"

Claudia: "On Wednesday. Here's the plan. Listen carefully."

Jamie: "Make it complicated, Claude. I like complications."

-- From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

I get this about Jamie, I really do. Complications keep life interesting. A simple life can be a boring life. It's probably one of the reasons we had children -- several of them. And it must be the part of me that wants a dog. #gluttonforpunishment I want life to be an adventure (see pics to the right 😆), and adventures don't come from ease and simplicity.

But this week, the complications have felt more like a giant jigsaw puzzle than an adventure. I have been weighed down by the feeling that no one knows my kids as well as I do or understands their strengths and needs and circumstances as I do. Which means it's up to me to figure out what -- if anything -- should be done on each front.

Porch life

My husband is an amazing father who is passionately engaged with our kids, but he's got a pretty serious day job (which also happens to make my job possible), so he's often not available when complications arise during the week. And no one else is around to see how the before-school, after-school, extracurricular, homework, playdate and other routines are going.

A mentor once told me, "Be a student of your children." As my kids have grown and their personalities and social relationships have become more complex, I see the wisdom in her advice -- the necessity, really. I am not a helicopter parent (see When We Have to Helicopter), but I am the only adult in a position to notice patterns or problems across my kids' spheres (home, school, church, sports, and year-to-year, season-to-season).

Just one of the boys... #babygirl

I inadvertently attended a lunch-and-learn last week about depression. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the title of the event, but if I had, I wouldn't have gone, and if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have noticed some (medication-related) red flags in one of my kids the very next day.

At first, this freaked me out a little. What if I didn't happen to go to that lunch? How far would it have gone?? 

But then I remembered something else: I didn't "just happen" to do anything. And I'm not the only one who knows my kids inside and out. Their futures are not actually on my shoulders.

I've been a Christian for HOW LONG and I still forget that God calls himself our parent? Which means He is also their parent. Their loving and all-knowing parent. The one who really is responsible for their development. When I have to lean in, He is right there with me. 

I spy the cutest fish ever!

It doesn't make life less complicated. I still have to lean in, to push against my nature. I don't suddenly feel light as a feather. But remembering this perspective does help my shoulders relax a little. It lowers the stakes: It's not all up to me. I have to make decisions, but if I miss something, God will bring it to light, or if He doesn't, it'll still work out for our good in the end (no matter how painful the path feels). 

I find it hard to keep that truth in mind, so I decided to type out some of the related verses/promises (from The Message paraphrase) here, in hopes they get a little deeper into my brain.

Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Rock-a-bye baby...

Matthew 7:7-11 "If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"

Matthew 6:26-30 "Look at the birds, free and unfettered...careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds...Walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? ...If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?"

Exercising with me

Hebrews 12:6-11 "God is educating you...He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best."

Ephesians 3:15-20 "I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

Romans 8:32-39 "With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? ...The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!--is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Do Your Kids Eat It?

To his credit, he'd just eaten a barf-flavored jelly
bean, but this was not the first time I've seen
that face. ;)

Is there a more loaded subject than what your children eat? It's like the third rail of parenting, and it starts from the very beginning... 

But not here, today. I'm going to focus on what my 9, 7, 4, and 1-year-old kids eat. Or at least, how we've approached food with them. Because now that we have a few years and a few different palettes in our nest, I feel like there are some things I would've liked to know...8 years ago. 

The point here is not to make anyone feel bad. If what you're doing works for your family, carry on! Bravo! My goal here is really to speak to the many parents who honestly don't know how to teach their kids to eat well and are looking for help. I was one of them. It's not something we get any training for. And we're generally thrown into it when we're most fatigued and vulnerable (parenting babies & toddlers).

If dinnertime is a nightmare for you, I want this post to be an encouragement that it does not have to be that way. Instituting a new approach can be painful and make life harder for a season, but it is possible (not guaranteed, but possible) to reap years of benefits once you've trained your kids to eat a wide variety of foods and dinnertime is not full of critiques or complaints.

And despite the sensitivity on this subject, I'm going to mostly stick with a few broad generalizations to keep it simple. Tired parents ain't got no time for essays...

...Unless they're desperate or looking for serious change, in which case a book can be helpful. If you're looking for a great AND FUN read that inspired much of our approach, I highly recommend Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman (a memoir about raising her babies in Paris). A good companion would be Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline. Or for a little more info on what we're eating at dinner, visit My Home Cookin'. 

Finally, I posted our mealtime approach 6 years ago when we were still in the throws of creating one. I'd say it is still all true. I cannot say this would work for everyone; I can only say it has worked for us. But I'll add that it has gotten easier over time, because once the older kids were trained, the younger ones tend to follow their lead and need fewer reminders (tho still enough to drive us slightly crazy). But back to the bullet points...

I'm pretty sure the baby was already done and hanging
under the table at this point, but the rest of us were
having fun eating a very Americanized British afternoon
tea and discussing our future meals with royalty.

Basic Tenets for Dinnertime

• Yes, my kids generally eat the dinners I make. Years of sitting down at the table together with only one option in front of them will do that.

• I only make one dinner. I might make half without nuts or one salad without raisins if I know of a particular aversion, but I don't make any guarantees, and I don't make separate meals for different people. One is hard enough.

• The kitchen is closed after dinner. If they didn't eat dinner, or didn't get enough, they will really enjoy breakfast! Toddlers are famous for eating nothing at some meals and their weight at others. They will not starve. Unless they have some rare illness, the body's instinct is to fuel itself. They are getting the calories somewhere in their week. You don't have to cater to their tastes to get them enough calories. And it won't take them very long to learn that they're hungry at night if they don't eat dinner.

• We have 4 meals a day. They can eat at breakfast, lunch, snack and dinnertime. That's it. I cannot handle constant requests for food in between, and I know it's not healthy for them to fill up on snacks or expect to graze all day. Plus I want them hungry for meals so they will eat them. If snacktime starts infringing on dinner, either we eat dinner at snacktime or skip snack.

• Breakfast and lunch are usually "kid-friendly" cereal, sandwiches, etc. They can stretch their palettes at dinner.

• Each dinner consists of at least 2, usually 3-4 items. They have to try everything (1-2 bites) in order to get more of anything. But they don't have to finish anything.

• Whoever is home for dinner sits down at the table to eat together. This is when we ask about each person's day, discuss a movie or book or current event that caught their interest, pull out a conversation card, or read a story and discuss it (when I can't handle any more silliness). This means it's generally a good time, not a battlefield. Note: I used to worry that it didn't feel like "family dinner" when I just had toddlers and my hubs traveled or worked late. That concern has gone away as my kids have gotten older and more conversational, so we do this whether Daddy is home or not. I also should note it's still pretty chaotic: up/down getting food for the baby, cleaning up spills, refilling drinks, etc but that's all getting better as the kids get older. Finally, I have found that if you can put new foods in a context--especially a fun context--the success rate goes up. My son loves marmalade because we read Paddington while eating it. My kids liked Indian food because it was made by our sweet Indian friends. They had fun with (decaf) tea and cucumber sandwiches because we ate it on china and talked about "afternoon tea" with the Queen. Most days are not this fun, and most foods don't have such an easy story to go with them, but it sure helps when you can find one.

• We only have dessert with company or on special occasions. But when we do, they have to eat a healthy portion of the healthy parts (i.e. meat & veges) in order to get dessert. They still don't HAVE to eat any of it IF they're ok skipping dessert.

• They don't need to tell me if they don't like something. In fact, that's rude. They can say, "___ wasn't my favorite" so the chef can take that into consideration for future meals, but the chef does not need a review. Whining/complaining means they have to sit in the dining room for a period of time.

We've finally reached the stage where they get excited about
going out to eat. It helps when there's Nutella involved...

• It's important to us that they enjoy all kinds of food. For 3 reasons: 1) We love to travel, to eat out, and to explore the world, and that means we want our kids to do so as well. 2) We want them to be appreciative or gracious guests. 3) We want them to have a well-rounded diet with plenty of options to match changes in location, budget, health, etc.

That said, every family has different values/culture. And for good reason. I'm not suggesting everyone has to follow ours - just sharing what has worked for us.

A Few Big Tips for How We Got Here

• For at least a year, maybe 2-3, and still sometimes today, I would serve only the vegetable first. Each person had to eat half (of their very small serving) in order to get the "next course" (usually the protein, sometimes with the starch). It worked wonders. Now I serve it all at once, but they still tend to start with the vege, and no one gags on it. #brainwashed

My oldest really wanted to
eat a raw onion one day when
he was helping me in the kitchen.
THAT didn't last long... ;)

• Now that my kids are older, they either pack their own lunches or eat the school lunch -- which means they eat school lunches almost every day. They get to pick from among a variety of foods (often ones I don't make), but they don't get to put in an order. I think this has actually helped expand their palettes.

• The more the kids help in the kitchen, the more likely they'll eat what they've made. They can dump a bagged salad in a bowl, put fish on a cookie sheet, rinse the grape tomatoes, set the table, and get the drinks. The possibilities just increase as they age.

• Research shows that tasting something multiple times can convert a person from disliking to liking a food. My kids could all tell you this fact, as I've drilled it into them. Just because you don't love it today, doesn't mean you won't tomorrow! This is why I don't automatically remove items from our rotation that they haven't liked before.

• Consistency. Like ALL OF PARENTING it seems (sigh), sticking to the rules you've created for your household is the fastest way to long-lasting peace. The learning curve can seem like FOREVER, but they will eventually stop asking for something they never get. And they're likely to enjoy -- or at least get used to -- something that always happens. No one does this perfectly, and I have to remind myself that God made me their mother with full knowledge of my flaws, but it's a good place to start. 

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I hope some of it is useful to someone! And if you ever want to get a laugh, just come eat dinner with us sometime. You'll see just how much grace we have to sprinkle over all of the above. ;)

My Home Cookin'

Now that I've broken my blog silence, seems I'm on a roll...2 in 2 days!

A couple months ago, I decided to start taking a picture of what I make/buy/reheat for dinner every night and post it to Instagram. I kicked it off with this message:

My people need to eat. Like every day. And by our family’s most efficient division of labor, that means I am on tap every night right about…5 o’clock…to come up with something relatively healthy for everyone to consume (or repulse, as the case may be).  

I’ve been thinking lately that most of us probably have some easy meals/hacks/tips we take for granted that the rest of us would find helpful. I also think there’s a lot of food advice out there with unrealistic expectations. So… 

I’m running a little experiment: posting (anonymously bc trolls) what I feed my family for dinner each night. I’m hoping this will...  

1. Throw a dart at the myth that every night ought to be a from-scratch organic food symphony, 
2. Provide inspiration when everything you’re making sounds too familiar,
3. Offer tips and suggestions that will hopefully make someone's life a little easier, particularly during the witching hour.

Feel free to follow along – and post helpful suggestions in the comments.

Then I expanded it to Facebook and Tumblr.

I have quickly discovered how useful it is for me to have this record:

1. I'm excited to have a catalog of our dinners - I used to have an excel list because I quickly forget every food but what we've just had.🙄 I'm hoping to keep this up long enough that it'll serve me for years to come whenever I get in a rut - and be much easier to consult than a spreadsheet.....
2. We have some health issues in our family so I've been logging our meals in MS Word for months. This is much more fun and just as useful....
3. It's the only thing I've found that gives me a little nudge to plan ahead (something I need to do more as my people are growing and eating more). I'm still not a detailed planner, but I'm less likely to wait until 5pm now that I know it's gonna go public.....
4. Which is not to say it reaches far, but that's fine with me. There's comfort in knowing the majority of followers are friends and their friends.....

I am hoping to continue this project until I've gone through all the meals I usually make at least once. Someday I could even print it as a book for my kids.

But in the meantime, there is one question I keep getting from friends who are following along: "Do your kids eat it?" And the answer will be in my next post--which I hope to actually complete soon... #staytuned

Settling In

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

On Facebook and Instagram. If you want regular updates on our little household, get thee to social media! ;)

Still, it's been 6 months since I last posted here, and if you've ever procrastinated on something, you know the longer you're overdue, the harder it gets -- there's just too much unsaid...where to start... But it's past time. So here goes...

2017, THE FIRST HALF

If 2016 was our Year of Drama (new school, new house, new family member, new diagnosis), 2017 has been about settling into the New Normal, getting used to it all.

Believe it or not, Katherine has been the easiest adjustment. She's a joy for all of us, even when she's fussy--and she has 8 teeth so you can imagine... We're all just happy she's here (even if it means the displaced youngest cries more than he used to).

I'm finding veteran mommyhood SO MUCH better than rookie mom-ing. That's good, because she's not been completely uncomplicated. (Who is?) She turned ONE in June (the boys are thrilled she's no longer ZERO), and now she's really starting to interact: pulling up, climbing, babbling, and exploring her world (i.e. my kitchen cabinets).

On the school front, I knew we'd finally arrived this spring when the boys compared their new school to their old school (as they have ALL YEAR) and the new school started winning. #winning

The new house has been great. Not everything is better than the old, but it is better in the areas that count -- the ones that led us to move in the first place. And we're using the new spaces I was unsure about. #bonus

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Which leaves us with the diagnosis. We're used to this, too. Aaron has an awesome attitude. Vanderbilt Children's is now familiar, friendly, even fun for him (the trains, toys, Ronald McDonald room, Ben & Jerry's). And Aaron's case is currently manageable. It's complicated -- which is why it's hard for me to give succinct updates -- but now I have more patience, gradually working through issues and not feeling pressure to "fix" everything today.

Here are the key points and prayer requests:

1. He still has 24-hr vomiting episodes every week or two. We've done all the tests without finding a fixable cause -- they seem to be a byproduct of his NF1. We're trying different meds, I'm still looking for patterns/triggers, we're going to see a national specialist in Birmingham in Sept, but if all else fails, I'm praying he will outgrow them. In the meantime, we're figuring out how to make them as unobtrusive as possible. Please pray they would go away.

2. His 6mo MRI came back with no new growth. This was a big relief, and means we can relax for a while on the worst case scenarios. The next hurdle will be puberty, as increased hormone levels can be problematic. But I'm hoping we have a few years to go on that front! In the meantime, please pray for no growth -- and particularly protection for his eyes/sight.

3. We're still working through the educational ramifications. He will be back at our local elementary school this fall, where HE LEARNED TO READ last year (Amazing). This summer, he's participating in a program at a private school that feels tailor-made for him. So we've seen some big wins. Please pray that we would continue to know the next right steps.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

How does it actually feel to live in this "new normal"? Really good but with moments of fear, doubt, and inadequacy scattered throughout. Which sounds a lot like the "old normal," but there are a few differences...

1. Before this year, I knew I should soak up these days with our kids at home. Now, I feel it on a gut level. I sometimes forget, but I'm far more likely to relish time spent together as a family, not running around on a schedule, but relaxing, reading, hiking, joking, eating, swimming, traveling, and building deeper friendships. I don't take these days for granted, and that's a gift in itself.

2. Deeper friendships. I love helping people connect, and particularly as our church has grown quickly in the last 5 years, I've been collecting large groups of people so they can get to know each other and feel like they belong. That's all good, but it's a mile wide and inch deep. The point of these big gatherings is for potential friends to find each other and then go deeper on their own. This year has reminded me to do that myself -- that it's ok to spend a lot of time with a smaller group of people so we know each other well enough to support each other in private or prolonged challenges. That this is not inherently exclusive or cliquish. It's wise.

3. I had never experienced such fear as I have in the past year, and I've found it has created some friction between me and God. I still believe all the same doctrine, but I've struggled with anger that He says not to be afraid when there is so much pain to be afraid of. So we're wrestling a little, but not as strangers -- I just feel more like his teenage daughter some days.

4. While it may sound contradictory to #3, I have found the most comfort in my faith this year: scripture, hymns, worship songs, nature walks, church, doctrine, and the encouragement of fellow Christians have all been the best balm. I've always known I would not want to face life without Christ; this year has been further confirmation. I can cry and be angry with Him at the death of Lazarus, but also feel the hope of His resurrection power (John 11).

5. I really like having 4 kids. I don't have space to talk about all that each one is doing and becoming in this post, but they each bring something essential to our family, and we have a lot of fun together. It certainly takes a village, and we're probably not in the hardest years yet, but today, I'm just thankful God knew better than we did how many kids we should have.

And that's a wrap. If I have to keep going, I'll wind up procrastinating another month...

But for one more update, check out Good News!

A Weary World Rejoices

As you may have noticed (Still in the Dark), December had a rough start. I was disillusioned with medicine, scared for Aaron, overwhelmed by the new demands on me, and discouraged by my own inadequacy. (Sound familiar? see Fighting the Fog). Thank the Lord the last few weeks have been better. Here's how each of those things has evolved...

1. Disillusioned with Medicine - It is still true that doctors can help us far less than I expected and most of the work of diagnosis and treatment seems to be on me. However, we've had some good news lately. For example, we've figured out the culprit behind my headaches: sinuses. Even though I don't have a history of sinus issues and I haven't had any congestion, sinus medicine is the only thing that works, and it's benign, so we're going with it. Yay for no migraine meds and finally being able to think clearly again! Well, except for the momnesia... #clearisrelative

2. Scared for Aaron - His 3-month follow-up MRI looked the same as the original. This was great news. His increasing episodes had me terrified that we would see growth. I am immensely relieved that the scariest scenarios are off the table. He'll have another MRI in 6mo, and if it's the same, just 1/year. Weight lifted. Praise God. 

We're still working on figuring out the episodes, but once we have explored the major causes we can think of, we will just have to move forward with treating the symptoms and praying they go away.

3. Overwhelmed by the New Demands - In preparing this post, I went back and read When We Have to Helicopter again. Startling how often I have to re-learn the same lessons. In this case, it is every time parenting pushes a little further into my personal space. Those seasons when covering the basics (fed, clothed, loved) just isn't enough. All my selfishness, laziness, and fear rear their ugly heads.

Our travel this Christmas actually reminded me why I need to lean in to parenting, again. I was already stressed (see #2) when I started questioning my decision to haul all 6 of us in sub-par health to another state for the holiday. But then it hit me: we weren't going because it's easier or more fun for me. We were going because we love our relatives, we want to see them face-to-face, we want them to bond with our children, and Christmas is one of the few times we can do all of that. We can tell all those relatives we love them from afar, but if we don't sacrifice a little and show up sometimes, it'll be a pretty flimsy sentiment. 

The same is true for my kids. I can say "I love you" till the cows come home, but if they don't see me willing to go out of my way to do what's best for them, it won't mean much. That said...

This is us, on break, having fun, ignoring the hard stuff. ;)

4. Discouraged by My Inadequacy - I've always had a hard time creating new habits, even when I believe they would be good for me/us. It is embarrassing how little my boys practice piano between lessons or study scouts between meetings. I have old-lady, days-of-the-week pill boxes and still sometimes forget to give/take medicines. And my various attempts to disciple my children in Bible-reading or scripture memory never last beyond a week or two. (Maybe if we string them all together, it'll look like a program?) I can't even imagine what a terrible home-schooler I'd be. How many times have I half-started a gluten-free diet? It is just remarkably hard for me to change our family routines or stick to new plans, to include all the elements of life that might be good for my kids in a regular week. And I feel terrible about it.

But sometimes, enough is enough. Getting them to swim lessons and talking about the Bible and buying them all gloves is already showing them love and there just isn't enough of me to do much more. Reminds me of Facing the Mommy Guilt Head-On (yes, another lesson I'm re-learning). God made us their parents. He gave us these 4 kids. And we have the resources to do what they really need without killing ourselves in the process (I'm channeling Parenting 001 here, one of my favs).

This time around, Christmas brought this lesson home. I found my heavy fears would lift a little when I looked at our beautiful Christmas tree, or turned on some Christmas carols, or made Christmas cookies. It was like a ray of sunshine and joy shining into the darkness. 

And I thought, How perfect. That's exactly what Christmas is supposed to be: a celebration of how God came to free us from our legalistic inadequacy. Of course I am weak and selfish and never all I want to be. The joy of Christianity is that it teaches us God is using even my weakness to do great things, to redeem my family, to make it all work together for good. 

I don't have to be the embodiment of Martha Stewart and Paul Tripp. I cannot be enough to save my family from a broken world. But I can show them what it looks like to be weak and selfish and lean on Jesus and pray for strength and practice selflessness when I remember. Because the fact is, they too will be weak and selfish and they will need to see how to cope with that. Maybe I'm their model for seeing that God really loves sinners. Now that is a job I can do.

What You Can Do

I know you're all busy with your own lists, so just whenever God brings us to mind, please pray...

1. That Aaron's vomiting episodes would stop. 

2. That Josh's hip would heal.

3. That we would know where to spend our time/energies/money on helping our family members thrive.

4. That we would remember and communicate to our kids the grace and redeeming power of God.

Next update? Settling In

Still in the Dark

I'm getting a lot of questions, so I guess it's time for another update... (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you might want to start with Hard News.)

I've put it off because there's not much new information, and I don't feel like I'm handling it very well (as you will see). We had a particularly bad doc appointment Friday, so I finally came home and wrote something up. I've debated whether to share it, especially when I reread my last update and it sounds so composed and succinct. But lest you think that's always how we're doing, I've decided to go ahead and share some #reallife, starting with...

A LITTLE VENTING

I've always thought of us as a healthy family. My kids rarely get sick, and our family histories are simple. I've also assumed healthcare is amazing. After all, my husband is leading the charge to make all sorts of breakthroughs, my interactions with healthcare have had happy endings, and we have friends and family members who were diagnosed with cancer years ago but are still tickin'. Modern medicine is miraculous.

So I thought. This fall has been a culture shock. Josh has a bum hip that may need surgery, Isaac has mysterious bumps on his face, Katherine has had little interest in motor milestones, I've had a headache off/on for about a month, and Aaron's headache/vomiting episodes are coming fast and strong. Our only completely uncomplicated family member is the one most likely to think he's ill.

And what does modern medicine have to offer each of us? Zilch. But what do we have to do to make sure we haven't missed anything helpful? A TON. 

Ok maybe not zilch, but it's close! I'm just so...disappointed. How can they really not know what causes headaches or how to stop them? or what causes developmental delays and how to fix them? How can they not be able to remove a tumor? And are we really basing these diagnoses and "treatment" decisions on how good my notes are??

I didn't expect to get so sick of it in just 8 weeks. I've been spoiled. Many of you learned these lessons long ago. ALS, dementia, Autism, CF...to name a few. There are still oceans of mystery in healthcare. On some level, I knew that. But right now, I'm angry that all these great systems and experts need us to do so much so they can tell us how little they can do but how much more we will need to do going forward.

It's exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if we'd be better off if we'd never done all these consultations and tests. Possibly.

Yet how can we not pursue it? Josh needs to be able to walk. Katherine too. I don't want to live with headaches. And most of all, Aaron needs help. Not a medicine to shorten 6-hour episodes to 3 hours, but a solution that prevents any more episodes. Or at least an understanding of their cause. And if a few months of writing down everything we eat or do and spending oodles of time on appointments and prescriptions and "treatments" and therapies and payments will solve these problems, it's not such a big price to pay. 

But maybe what I'm really trying to say is that I'm scared for Aaron. I know the other stuff is going to be fine. We know how to deal with it. I don't know how to help Aaron. And I'm surprised and frustrated that the experts I thought would give us solutions haven't. There are just a lot of things...

I DIDN'T KNOW

1. I've discovered at least 3 different levels of stress:

        1. Something might be wrong (last summer)
        2. Something is wrong (i.e. we have a diagnosis, October)
        3. Something looks wrong (i.e. he looks sick, November).
     I can imagine there are additional levels, but I don't want to find them.

2. How hard it is to know who to tell what. When someone asks for an update, how much do they want? Which parts should I say? For a communications professional, I am finding this shockingly difficult.

3. Diagnosis is not fun. It is looking for a needle in a haystack, requiring lots of time and attention to detail, without any assurance of success. What's significant? What should we be tracking? For example, my headaches could be caused by: stress/tension, nursing, postpartum hormones, eye/vision problems, allergies, my daily meds, caffeine, high/low blood pressure, infection, a certain food, environmental toxins (??), sinuses, etc. So step by step, we work our way through the list...It's like a never-ending episode of House.

4. How time consuming it all is. I spend a good portion of every day on tracking symptoms, calls and emails with nurses and doctors and teachers, trips to the drug store and doctors offices and school, talking to insurance and paying bills, and of course caring for Aaron when he's unwell. I had no idea even the doctor visits could take so long: Friday, we left for an appointment at 9am and we didn't get home until 2pm.

5. Metacognition takes additional time. As our situation evolves, I find it difficult to process it all, to get perspective, or remember how I'm supposed to think about it. With each appointment or change in symptoms, I feel like I'm re-constructing my expectations, but I don't have quite enough time or tools to do it properly. This may explain why it's so hard for me to simplify our situation to others. Writing helps, so maybe this post will be therapeutic.

6. Sometimes the things you chose still overwhelm you. I've been realizing how often I judge others as if we should be able to perfectly calibrate our responsibilities to our capacities. But what if God has deliberately given you--or me--more than we can handle NOT as a sign that we've made bad choices but to humble us and force us into community -- with himself and others? Yes, we chose to have 4 kids. And I chose to teach/write this fall. And Josh chose a job with a lot of travel. And it has all overwhelmed me lately. But maybe for the first time in my life, I've realized that doesn't always mean those were bad decisions. Sometimes--I'm hoping rarely, but sometimes--we're supposed to bite off more than we can chew.

But enough about me. Let's get down to brass tacks...

WHAT WE DO KNOW

- Genetic testing confirmed Aaron's NF1 diagnosis. I've met a few stellar adults with NF that have helped me make peace with this.

- I think we are starting to feel like we have a handle on what the NF1 and chiari malformation diagnoses mean. There's more to do, but we generally know what needs to be done, except...

- Aaron's episodes (headache/vomiting) have accelerated at what I consider an alarming rate: from 1/month in Sept to 1-2/week in Nov. To my mind, that seems like his body is trying to tell us something, but so far we haven't figured out what (hence all the time on diagnosis).

- If we can't figure out a cause, we may end up just treating the episodes as migraines and wait to see if any other symptoms reveal the cause. This bothers me because:

     1) I worry we're missing something we need to address, 

     2) he could be on migraine meds indefinitely (he's only 7, and they have side effects), 

     3) he could still have these episodes even with the meds.

- The 3-month MRI of his head is Dec 29th. It should look the same as before.

BLESSINGS

Some days I lose sight of these things, so I need to keep lists of them...all around me... #countyourblessings

1. The nurse at our boys' elementary school is an old friend. She's probably the only school nurse I know, and she's at our school. #whataretheodds I am so thankful that she knows our family and understands the context for the various scenarios we are dealing with.

2. Now that we're trying to analyze these episodes, it's become very important that Aaron only tell us true information about what hurts where, etc. I am incredibly thankful that he's not one to embellish or malinger. In fact, in every case so far, what he has reported has proven to be true. 

3. I felt overwhelmed when trying to think how to set up childcare for weekday appointments. Then a friend set up a care calendar that did it all for me. What a weight lifted!

4. We just had a lovely week away at Thanksgiving, Katherine's baptism is coming up Sunday, and Christmas is around the corner -- all really wonderful and deserving diversions for us right now.

5. Each of our kids is doing well in school right now. I'm almost afraid to say it out loud. #dontjinxit

6. We are working with some great doctors, including our pediatrician and oncologist.
7. Katherine is eating solid food! Translation: I can be away from her for >3hrs! I love being with her dearly, but this is good news for both of us.
8. We know that God loves us and is at work in our lives, growing and stretching us. The #1 reason I have kept teaching and writing is to force myself to remember these truths every. day.

PLEASE PRAY for...

1. Aaron's episodes to stop. 

2. The MRI Dec 29 to show no change.

3. Josh's hip to heal without surgery.

4. Me not to have any more headaches.

Next Update: A Weary World Rejoices