As I Lay Dying

In the last few years, I've become impulsive about my reading (or more often, listening). I've actually withdrawn from a few different book clubs, recognizing that something has shifted in my willingness to let others choose my next (audio) book.

When I finish a book, I browse Audible or Goodreads and pick what sounds good. It's whimsical and irrational, but I think that may be what I love about it; it's one area of my life not driven by needs, where I can do whatever I feel like.

And it has led to a (predictable) discovery: my reading reflects something about my state of mind. I notice themes in the books I've chosen over a season. Last spring, it was a string of funny self-help memoirs by 40-something Texas Christians. In the fall, it was books by stand-up comedians. This winter, it seems to be diaries about dying. 😳

Does this feel like a season when dying is front-and-center in my life? No. I'd bet that's why I'm willing to read them now -- they don't hit too close to home. At the same time, I increasingly see the effects of aging in my life, so on some deeper level perhaps I want to see how people have made their peace with the process of dying. It's also fascinating to see how facing death soon changes a person's choices in life.

I do not like tragedies, family dramas, Hallmark movies, or anything that makes me cry. I'm convinced life has enough drama and crying without my reading piling on. So, all of the following have mostly avoided these craters while still addressing profound issues related to the end of life. We could think of this as "cozy end-of-life stories." (Is that a thing? That's not a thing.) Still, here they are...

Still Alice

by Lisa Genova (5*)

This novel took me totally by surprise, which doesn't make sense to me since it's exactly what I thought it would be. I knew it was a memoir-style description of early-onset Alzheimers, but I expected it to be difficult to read and a little boring. 

Instead, I found myself engrossed, compelled to read it straight through in 36hours, enlightened by the experience, and yet not repulsed. Maybe it was the point of view, but I felt like the author managed to touch on so many different complicated or unexpected aspects of dealing with dementia while not getting saccharine or sentimental or melodramatic. She knew just where to cut a scene so that it was enlightening or awkward but she didn't shove your face in it. And she kept the experiences varied and paced well so I never felt bored - I was always curious what this next anecdote would reveal that I hadn't thought of yet. The characters were also nicely complex -- at times frustrating, at other times lovable. Even the author's voice fit the subject matter without being too rough or too polished.

In an odd way, this book reminded me of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, because both have given me a gentle peek into a completely different experience of the world -- one that is touching but not so emotional that it clouds my ability to learn from the facts.

If you've read my review, you know that I did not love Jojo Moyes' Me Before You. This book was everything that book wasn't -- helping the reader both understand the desire for escape from a horrific future AND appreciate the ways that future could also be of value, even enjoyable in its own way. I highly recommend it.

The Year of Magical Thinking
by Joan Didion (4*)

I've actually read this twice -- once about 12 years ago (before I had kids) and again last year. I've tried Didion's other books (essay collections) but couldn't get into them. This book was much more plain-spoken, accessible, and comfortable. She begins with a fairly "ordinary" death (if such a thing exists) and then walks through the following year to show its extraordinary impact on her life. 

Some of the details can get a bit long - it's more meandering and less compelling than "Still Alice," but it's also non-fiction, personal experience, and laced with interesting insights about how her brain processed her husband's death. 

The descriptions of their lives as successful writers living in NYC and LA were somehow simple yet lovely, in the same way Kathleen Kelley's life in You've Got Mail is charming. I also found it helpful to hear how someone with her worldview approaches mortality and faith, even as I mourned for her lack of hope. 

Finally, the reader on audible was excellent, and I'm almost hesitant to watch the Netflix doc (The Center Will Not Hold) about Didion because I know her real voice won't match Caruso's.

When Breath Becomes Air 
by Paul Kalanithi (3*)

This is my only selection where the real person who was dying wrote their own experience. That made it especially poignant and harder to criticize. I am glad he wrote this for all of us -- but particularly for his family.

On a less fraught note, I liked learning about the issues a brain surgeon faces, the choices and ethical questions they must wrestle as they have a profound impact on their patients. It was also interesting to hear his struggle with how to make plans given an uncertain prognosis. What if he has months left? What if he has years? Should he work? Should they have a child?

This is definitely a raw but thoughtful reflection of his mindset during a critical period of his life. At the same time, it wasn't especially gripping or entertaining. The draw here is his experience, not the writing itself. If it had been longer, I might not have finished it. And I should mention that his wife wrote the last part, so it is understandably more gut-wrenching than everything else in this post.

If I read others along these lines, I'll try to remember to come back and add them to this list...

Wish I'd Known: Post-Op

Yesterday was the first adult surgery in our family. Aaron has had a tonsillectomy and Katherine had tubes put in, but do those even count? Half the population has had both. The recovery from a tonsillectomy is no joke, so maybe we could say that was our trial run. But this time, a parent is down for the count, though only temporarily, thank God. Here's the background and lessons I want to remember (and wish I'd thought to ask our many friends who've done this before!).

Hip at 42?

Two years ago, Josh tore his labrum playing with our kids. He saw an ortho who scared him into thinking he had arthritis and muttered the words "hip replacement." Josh fled to physical therapy, which was helpful to a degree, but never could fix the problem. So he decided to wait and hope time took care of it.

It didn't. Instead, he had continuous and increasing pain as the damage to the joint worsened. In August, Josh finally saw a specialist who would take a stab at a repair. The recovery is worse than a replacement (waiting for bone/tissue to heal vs getting used to titanium), but it preserves the hope that he might be able to run again AND avoid a 2nd replacement in 25 years. A new MRI looked even scarier, so they set a surgery date right away. Yesterday.

What We've Learned in 36 Hours

-- Caregiver, Go to the Doctor -- I wish I'd gone with Josh to his most recent appointment before the surgery. It didn't occur to me that he was receiving all the instructions but I would have to implement them while he was still recovering from anesthesia. I also didn't realize we'd need:

     at the hospital...

• warm, loose-fitting clothes for him to change into post-op (he was shivering from the anesthesia), 
• our minivan not sedan so it'd be easier for him to get in/out, 

     and at home...

• rails for our toilet, 
• a shower chair, 
• all the prescriptions,
• large bandaids, 
• hydrogen peroxide,
• 8oz water bottles to freeze,
• Gatorade, chicken soup, and other nausea-friendly foods (b/c anesthesia and pain meds),
• dinner (see "Clear the Evening"),
• a handicap placard for our car (note from doc that you take to the DMV),
• clear instructions from PT about how much time he'll need to take off work (2 weeks at home, 2 more weeks part-time), and
• a travel wheelchair (we have since borrowed from a friend).

-- Clear the Morning -- Expect an outpatient procedure to take the entire day. Josh's actual surgery was 11am-1pm but he arrived at 7:45am and we got home at 5pm. I wish I'd gone with Josh to check in that morning instead of staying to get the kids off to school. I missed lots of instructions, some were not repeated at the end, and Josh was not in a position to fill me in. 

-- Clear the Evening -- I also wish I'd gotten a sitter for that evening so I didn't arrive home with an invalid and have 4 children crawling all over us begging for attention and dinner. We were both already worn out from the day, overwhelmed by the post-op instructions, and afraid of injuring his freshly-fixed hip. We had a lot to get used to, like how to:

• get him up the 4 garage stairs, 
• walk down the hall, 
• go to the bathroom, 
• make the bed so the melting ice wouldn't soak through the mattress (shower curtain under beach towels),
• get into bed,
• keep his foot from turning out (tie it to the other foot), 
• set up the "game ready" compression/ice-water apparatus (and get a Friday-night replacement when it leaks), 
• figure out first-night meds, 
• etc.

It was quite a bit harder with a 2-year-old on my hip and 3 boys asking questions. Thank the Lord for our parents who picked up the supplies and Chinese food for dinner.

Close as they could get without
being ON his lap.💜

-- Clear the Week -- Expect the post-op care to be intense for several days, maybe a week or more. He needs someone to pick up all the prescriptions. He needs ice every 3 hours, pills every 4 hours, and the toilet...well, yeah. He can't get his own food or drinks or books or laptop or remotes or anything. At least not yet. And he can't drive himself to/from PT or follow-up appointments to check the wound or remove the sutures.

In my head, I figured Josh would pretty much take care of himself since he's an adult. Granted, now that he's lucid, he is handling most of his meds. But he still can't hop up and get something, or carry food from the kitchen, or bend over to pull up his pants. Not to mention take Noah to soccer, hold Katherine on his lap, put our boys to bed, or sit at the dinner table.

A friend asked if we'd need a meal calendar, and I had no idea. Now, I'd say yes to every day for a week, just to get past the worst of it and give us time to get used to all the new routines. A couple friends have also helped with rides for the kids to/from extracurriculars, which is much appreciated. 

It's amazing how many seeds we found
without leaving the house.

Fortunately, we knew this would all be new, that we didn't know what to expect, so we tried not to commit to much in Sept-Oct. But the annual fundraiser for my son's chronic condition only happens 1/year (today). I've been preparing to teach 1 Corinthians this Tuesday all summer (long before the surgery was scheduled). The 3rd grader still had to collect and label 20 seeds for school this weekend. And my 2-year-old suddenly decided she wants to join the potty party and get trained. #thatsanegative Life goes on. 

by Isaac Denny, age 6

And today--with all its crazy--was a pretty good day. Josh's appetite has come back. Noah had a good soccer game and Sonic. Aaron announced that he doesn't mind having NF. Katherine and I enjoyed a few good books on the toilet. Isaac recited a kindergarten poem about rainbows. A neighbor delivered Buca de Beppo. #score And I had a chance to write this up. With all I wish we'd known, our village has kept us from falling flat on our faces. 

Though it's only been about 36 hours... #3weeks6daystogo 🙏😆

So, what advice do you have for patients or caregivers going into outpatient surgery?
What tips do you have for us as recovery continues?

No More Mommy Wars

I know, I know, "mommy wars" is a terrible, derogatory phrase, but it's exactly what I'm tackling today so I might as well take it on, and "Can't we all just get along?" is a little less...specific.

The fact is, it's hard to talk about the choices parents--especially mothers--make regarding their careers when they have children. I think there are 3 major reasons for this:

1. Everyone with kids has made a choice. They went back to work full time, part time, changed jobs, or stayed home. i.e. They put their "stake in the ground."

2. Few feel secure in their decision. People are incredibly sensitive to anything that might be construed as criticism of their choice, even if it's someone else expressing joy over an aspect of their own (different) choice. Because...

3. The stakes are high. How we handle this issue can play a big role in our self-image, identity, and values (work, kids, security, success, etc).

The whole issue reminds me of house hunting. Everyone wants you to look in their neighborhood, but what they really want is for you to buy in their neighborhood, because then you are validating their choice. If you look in their 'hood and buy somewhere else, it can feel like judgment of their decision. And it's a big decision; the stakes are high. Everyone wants to feel like they made the best choice.

For some reason, it seems to have taken about 40 years for me to realize that when I seek this validation for my choices or take offense at someone else's choice, I'm forgetting that their needs and circumstances are different from mine. It's obvious, I know. But I don't think our emotions always know. I have to constantly remind myself that You Are Not Me. #genius

For example, we bought our house based on its:

• proximity to our work, our church, and our school, 
• layout that served our family of 2 adults, 3 boys, a baby girl, and out-of-town friends/relatives, 
• our family's desire for plenty of neighbors but not plenty of land,
• maintenance/reno needs (or lack thereof) and price.

And these were just the primary factors. If you have a different workplace, church, school, or family dynamic, you are likely to make a different choice. Even if ALL of these things were somehow the same, you'd probably still make a different choice for any number of reasons!

OF COURSE people make different choices in housing...and in parenting. What's good for you may not be good for me or my kids with their own unique mixes of development and personality.

So why do we feel the need to defend our position, surround ourselves with people who made the same decision, call out anything that might make our decision more difficult, or just silently judge those doing things differently?

I was just reading 1 Corinthians 7, and it's full of thorny verses that require a lot of context and unpacking. This is not one of them: "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches" (v17).

I am gradually working on a post about what it has been like for me to become a stay-at-home mom. But each time I sit down to write it, I wind up with something like this post. So here it is: my disclaimer. I do not believe everyone should stay home full-time with their kids. I do believe it has worked really well for our family. And it's worth talking about why. Soon.

Wish I'd Known: Kindergarten

Parenthood has to be the biggest and most important project I've ever tackled, and it's the one for which there are no degrees, orientations, or continuing ed.

Thankfully, I'm in a multi-generational community at our church, so I've spent a lot of time pumping moms with older kids for info. Which is why I'm starting a new series here: Wish I'd Known. The schedule will be: whenever I get a relevant piece together.

Today's the first installment: Kindergarten!

This milestone should come with a red flag saying, Alert! You're about to enter a new phase of parenthood! I discovered this first-hand 6 years ago, so a friend* and I put our heads together to come up with a cheat sheet for parents. To keep it concise, I'm gonna let it sound bossy. Just take what works for you, discard the rest. Here goes...

The First Week of School

1. Model Excitement. You're anxious about your school choice, the teacher they got, their ability to succeed. HIDE IT ALL. Put on a smile and act excited. Trust me. You'll both feel better, and they'll feel more secure.

2. Enjoy the Honeymoon. And know that's what it is. Hopefully, your child will love school at first. They feel so big! Don't be shocked when they wake up one day and realize they have to go even when they don't feel like it. Their sudden change of heart does not mean you made the wrong choice or they are being mistreated -- it means they're human and still getting used to their new normal. Just wait it out. And remember the same for yourself; you'll learn to love the new normal, too.

3. Expect Fatigue. It may be disguised as grumpiness, hunger, or misbehavior, but generally kindergarteners are exhausted the first few months of school. It can take until Halloween for their brains to adjust to this level of activity. Even if they were in all-day daycare, the pace of kindergarten is different. They'll rise to the challenge and be fine; don't freak out that they've suddenly turned into a black sheep.

4. Feed Them. Depending on their lunch/snack schedule, they may come home depleted. Sometimes it makes more sense to feed them dinner at 4pm and a snack before bed - just until they get through #3. Once they've fully adjusted to the new schedule, they can fit back into a 3-meal-a-day routine.

5. Clear the Schedule. To the degree possible, don't sign up your new kindergartener for fall extracurriculars. See #3. They'll have plenty of time to learn all the things the rest of their days.

6. Meet the Teacher. A few ground rules:
1) Go to "Meet the Teacher" night, but don't tell them your child's life story there.
2) Email or call them in the first few weeks to let them know you want to hear about any issues that arise around your child (i.e. I won't get defensive or irate if you tell me they're having problems).
3) Tell them if your child has relevant quirks. Don't hope your teacher won't notice -- prepare them and give tips for managing them.
4) Meet the support staff, too. The school admin, nurse, principals, etc can all play a role in your family's school experience. Take a few minutes to meet them, and don't forget them at Christmas or end of school.

As Time Goes By

7. Study Their Personalities. After school, you might find an introvert needs quiet/alone time, while another wants to download all the words immediately, and another just wants 10 minutes of cuddling. Try to fill their buckets before the melt-downs ensue.

8. Adjust Your Routines. Whether it's food (#4), after-school routines (#7), or home organization, pay attention to the times stress pops up repeatedly and see if small changes could alleviate those bottlenecks. My kids kept forgetting snacks (shouting, mad dash back to the pantry), so I put a bench with a drawer by the door and filled it with snacks. They were suddenly using the front door to come/go (b/c bus), so we put hooks nearby for jackets/backpacks. For one child, we got laceless shoes because tying them in the morning was 👹. Finally, giving ourselves an "extra" 15 minutes in the morning can make the whole day start off smoother (and doesn't really effect sleepiness).

9. Teach them Independence. They don't know how to handle homework or folders or lunches or alarm clocks. But this is your chance! Teach them now, enjoy forever. Give them an alarm clock. They're so big now! 😈 Discuss lunch options (maybe create a schedule for what they pack every Monday, Tues, etc), and teach them how to pack it themselves the night before (or let them buy it🙋). Same for folders, homework, projects, etc. Help them create healthy routines for getting that stuff done, but don't take over. The more you let them have ownership of their schoolwork from the start, the less they'll expect you to be their admin asst. (i.e. They forgot to bring you their folder one night? Their fault, not yours.) Just remember they don't innately know how to be responsible. #coachmom

10. Focus on Growth. If your prayers for school are all about having fun, and your first question after school is "Did you have fun?" What will your child think the point is? FUN.🙅 Be deliberate. Talk about all their chances to learn and grow and become stronger and wiser and kinder at school. Ask how they were brave today. Is there a time they showed kindness? What's 1 new thing they learned? All the research says don't tell them they're smart (they'll become afraid of disproving it), tell them they're capable, they can learn and work hard and show grit. Also, encourage their "best work" -- regardless of the grades it gets.

11. Meet the Parents. Your kids will be in classes together for years to come. Might as well find a few moms you can text along the way. Think carpools and homework questions and "When is the book fair again?" Just don't feel like you have to run the school your first year there; room mom is fine, but save PTA for once you have some experience under your belt.

12. Meet the Kids. Invite a new school friend over for a playdate and/or volunteer to help with a class party. And pay attention to the class dynamics. Once they've settled into school -- after Christmas -- sit with them for lunch in the cafeteria. The more you observe, the more sense your child's stories/behavior will make. Still, don't assume your child's reporting on their teachers or classmates is accurate. If something sounds alarming, ask the teacher what happened. Never accuse. You will be amazed how easily your child can misinterpret the facts.

13. Embrace Challenges. See #10. Remember the point of school is not to be easy or delightful. As your child encounters problems, help them see opportunities to grow and learn. This is why they are there -- not just to learn math and reading but also social skills and problem solving. For example, when my child had difficulty with a classmate on the playground, we talked about "stop, run, tell" = 1) ask the kid to stop, 2) run away to another area, 3) if they follow you, tell an adult. We coached and role played at home, but then they had to practice it at school. #lifeskills

14. Pray for them, their classmates, their teachers, etc. It's good for the soul.

15. Enjoy your Time! As we've switched to the elementary schedule, I've noticed I have more time to myself 🙌 8am-3pm, and then it's off to the races with snack, homework, extracurriculars, dinner, bedtime. This balance has been much better for my mental health than the preschool years. I enjoy evenings, weekends, holidays, and summer so much more now that we're not together 24-7. Take a moment to recognize this change and live. it. up. ;)

*My friend Rachel was a kindergarten teacher, has sent 3 kids to kindergarten, and is just very organized and articulate = the perfect partner in this endeavor. Hope you found our notes helpful!

I'm Baaaack!

Three years ago, I declared that I would say all the things, tackle the tough issues, bring my beliefs out into the light for debate and refinement (see Ask Me Anything).

The very next day, I got the shock of my life: I was pregnant. I promptly forgot everything else I was going to say.

But after 4 kids, I've discovered that when my baby turns 2, my brain comes back. Or maybe it's my energy? The intensity of pregnancy, birth, infancy, nursing, etc. finally gives way to a more reasonable state of being. The newly-minted 2-year-old can walk and (almost) talk and has a spot reserved at preschool.

Frankly, this is the point when I tend to get a little bored. I have LOTS of chores to do. But it must be my brain that comes back, because suddenly I'm looking for more...intellectual rigor. (This is also when I've usually decided I'm ready for another kid. NOT this time!)

One glance at my blog post inventory (bottom right) will show you that I've had a recent surge. It could be too much caffeine, but I think it's more likely this restlessness finding an outlet. And it feels so good to be writing -- even more, to be synthesizing my thoughts -- again. 

It is a luxury to have the time and mental space to form rational opinions, to have epiphanies about home decor or research and report back on women in the church. I know that now. When I have been shellshocked from a diagnosis or consumed with caring for a newborn, I haven't been organizing tips for travel.

So who knows how long this little streak will last? Probably until we get a dog. Or some other shoe drops. But for now, prepare yourself. 

This little blog just reaches people I know, so I'm gonna say some things, share what I've been learning, and see how it sounds, what you think. Don't worry, I don't think I've figured it all out. I've just remembered that it's better to say it out loud and find out if I'm wrong. #truthovercomfort

Please jump in anytime -- comment below or on Facebook, reply via email, by text, or in person. I LOVE feedback. Especially if it's gentle.

Bring Back the Clutter

These days, it's easy to watch HGTV and think there is only one opinion on...

• "Open-concept" floor plans
• Large kitchen islands
• Rustic farm tables
• Benches (or "banquettes")
• White sofas
• Hardwood floors
• Jute rugs
• "Clean lines"

I have only dipped my toe into the world of interior design in the last 5-10 years, learning from talented friends, catalogs, and living in actual houses with my very real family.

Over that time, I have been discovering that a lot of design -- pictures on Houzz, for example -- is created for the aesthetic, not for utility. What looks good on instagram doesn't necessarily "live well." For example...

• "Open-concept" floor plans -- A large central space is nice for gatherings, but taking *all* the walls out of living areas just means all 6 of us would have to hear each other--and see each other's messes--all the time. We love togetherness, but sometimes, you just need to be alone. Or send the kids elsewhere. Somewhere with a door.
• Large kitchen islands -- It's not really fun all sitting down to eat side-by-side. It would work for 1-2, but we have 6. How do you carry on a conversation with 5 other people sitting in a row? I like our island -- it just doesn't replace our kitchen table.
• Rustic farm tables -- Have you ever tried to wipe down a rustic farm table? Or get the food crumbs out of the cracks? Or seen maggots in said cracks? (😝 not my table, just to be clear)
• Benches/banquettes -- These can be a great solution for small dining spaces, but now I'm seeing them everywhere, as in where they are not necessary. Have you ever tried to slide into a banquette? Or sit on a backless bench for a long meal? Or extricate yourself from either one to use the restroom? 
• White sofas -- I think this one is self-explanatory but will add that slip-covers are not the answer if you've ever tried to remove, wash, dry, iron, and re-apply their shriveled, discolored selves.
• Hardwood floors -- They can be lovely, but they do fade, scratch, hurt the heads of wrestling boys or learning-to-walk toddlers, show all the dust/crumbs, and require expensive area rugs and refinishing...so maybe not the be-all-end-all on flooring solutions.
• Jute rugs -- They're scratchy on bare feet and make it nearly impossible to clean up a spill (see also "rustic farm tables").
• Clean lines -- See below.

I'm not trying to make enemies here. We have an example of all of the above in our current home. Instead, I'm trying to point out that groupthink does not equal perfection. We don't all need to decorate like the Property Brothers -- or assume that what's popular is what's best for us.

And really, I'm talking to myself here, because I'm learning this the hard way. In fact, last week, I had an epiphany along these lines.

I have been drinking the de-cluttering Kool-Aid for years, channeling Marie Kondo as I have tried to create clean, simple spaces for our family. Our family of 2, 6, 9, 11 and 40-something-year-olds. #exerciseinfutility

At least 5 encounters have helped me re-evaluated the virtue of clutter-free living:

1. Irish Houses. Seriously, a friend of mine from Ireland mentioned that Irish homes have lots of unapologetic clutter: stacks of books, papers, detritus from unknown years that make them feel cozy, homey. There is no embarrassment about the stuff, no expectation that bookshelves should hold one dish or color-coordinated blue hardcovers rather than the random selection of books these people have read and loved over the years. These are peoples' homes. Not hotels. And they are content to live in them with their stuff.

2. Instagram Renos. A couple pictures caught my eye because they looked beautiful and peaceful. After a few days, I realized they took de-cluttering to a new level. All of the counters and tables were clear except for maybe one healthy-looking potted plant. All the surfaces were white or natural, yet showed none of the smudges or water-marks or fingerprints that would tattoo mine. I suddenly realized that ANY signs life would deposit on these surfaces would stand out like a sore thumb. These places were made for singles or empty-nesters who could keep them spotless.

3. House Beautiful. Somehow I "qualified" for a $2 subscription, and a 20-something friend recommended it. I'm so glad she did. It has been a culture-shock from my Crate & Barrel and RH catalogs, but the continuous stream of full, colorful, eclectic AND beautiful rooms has opened my horizons.

4. The Magnolia Story by Joanna & Chip Gaines. At one point Joanna describes her own epiphany that she was decorating her home as a showcase for her business rather than making it hospitable for her young children. Her parenting was layered with extra stress because her decor was in constant conflict with its inhabitants. She could change this -- she could design the home FOR her children rather than in opposition to them.💡

5. You've Got Mail. Yes, this movie released in 1999. But when it opens in Meg Ryan's Upper West Side apartment, I suddenly realized that it looked cozy, comfortable, and adorable, AND it was full of stuff. The piles and trinkets and blankets cluttering the rooms added to the charm rather than ruining the effect of the design.

6. The Weasley Home. We've been listening to Jim Dale read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets this week. The description of the Dursley's spotless home vs. the Weasley's cluttered home struck me right between the eyes. Even taking magic out of the picture, where would I rather live? Is that even a question?

All of which is making me re-evaluate my design goals for our home. As with everything in life, I'm realizing that expectations make a big difference. If I'm going for the Swedish minimalist look, clutter will drive me bananas. But if I'm going for Cotswold Cottage, it'll add to the ambiance. And since clutter with 6 people (one of whom carries random objects to random spots around the home nonstop) is a non-negotiable, maybe I should be leaning more toward French provincial or cottage eclectic? I can certainly include more color and patterns that provide camouflage for lego spaceships and dollhouses.

These years with all the little people at home are flying by. Yesterday, my boys were 5, 3, and 1. Today they're 5TH GRADE, 3rd grade, and kindergarten. I do NOT want to spend these years wishing they wouldn't play with their toys because it makes such a mess. Or waiting to have people over once everything is shoved in the closets.

Years ago, a mentor mom whose daughter was in college told me her greatest regret was all the time she'd spent nagging and stressing about keeping the house neat and clean. I am so thankful for her honesty, because it gives me a chance to avoid that particular pitfall.

I will teach my kids how to clean up and do chores and not live in a pigsty, but I will also let them play and seize the moment and be creative and relax. And if I can modify our decor in a way that makes this environment more pleasant for all of us, Count Me In.

Got any favorite tips for accomplishing this? Or pet peeves about popular design elements that didn't work for you? I'm all ears!

Parent Getaways? Overnight Sitters

We love to travel, but we don’t always take the kids, because:

1. We need marriage-building time. 
2. They’re not old enough. 
3. It’s too expensive.

Growing up, it felt like my parents took us on every other trip, which was fine with me. Josh and I are trying to take 1-2 trips (sometimes just a weekend) per year without the kids. 

Which means we need overnight sitters. For four children.😳 

When I joined Josh on a business trip to London in June, I employed every trick I knew to make my 7-day absence a success, and it worked pretty well.

This past Friday, I left for a long weekend in NYC. I’d been busy-busy with birthday plans and VBS and whatnot right up until Thursday at 9pm when I started packing. The kids were with Josh(Dad) Fri-Sun and a sitter Sun-Mon. My attention was not focused on that last 28 hours. So I forgot all the things. (😳#2) 

Then, flight delays extended my absence by 16 hours, and all the things became even more important. (😳#3)

Thankfully, it all worked out OK, but not without angst all around. Turns out that after all these years of leaving the kids with sitters overnight, I still need a list. And given the number of questions I get about this, maybe you do too. 

So, as a counterpoint to my post about Traveling with Kids, here’s the list for when we leave our precious little people at home...

Preparing for Overnight Sitters: Top 10 Tips

1. WHO? My best advice is to start with childcare professionals — teachers from your kids’ school, people that work in your church children’s ministry, an off-duty nanny, etc. Grad students can work out well if they have experience with kids. The trick is always finding someone comfortable juggling multiple kids AND available -- bonus points if they already babysit for you. 

In addition, make sure they are comfortable handling meal preparation, routine chores (i.e. dishes), transportation for your kids (driving your car, moving car seats, etc), and agree ahead of time on contingency plans:

• What if one of your kids gets sick? Can they handle it? How serious does it have to be for them to call you? At what point should they expect you to come home early? 
• What if they get sick? Is there someone they could call to help them?
• How long can they stay after your official trip if you’re delayed? Do you have friends/family around the day after who could take over?

Trust me: There’s nothing more helpless than being in another state or country and realizing you have different expectations on these points — or didn’t even think about them. 

2. WHEN? Whenever you can get them! In my experience, the place on the Venn diagram where your options and their availability overlap is teeny tiny, and usually falls on weekends and school breaks (b/c teachers). 

Note, if we're leaving on a 6am flight, I always give them the option to arrive the night before after the kids are in bed (they usually take me up on it so they don't have to arrive at 4am) -- same on the other end if we're set to arrive home late at night, they're welcome to stay over rather than stay up.

3. HOW LONG? In my experience with *my* kids *so far* (who are 2, 6, 9, 11), eight days is the max. By then everyone is starting to melt. I also think that’s as much time as I can cover/prep for. 

But that’s not to say I’d leave them with 1 sitter that long. Everyone gets worn out in someone else’s home, with someone else’s people, so we’ve found 4 days is a comfortable max for someone to stay with our kids. Plus, a fresh face halfway through breaks it up for the kids. That does mean there’s a transition while we’re gone, but it’s worth it. 

4. HOW MUCH? This is variable, obv. The key is of course trying to find that perfect spot -- high enough to make it worth their while, low enough to be worth yours. I usually state it up front in the ask, so they can decide with all the info. And I do a bulk, flat rate, based on about $125-150 per 24-hour period. Three factors influence what we offer:

• The experience level/capability of the sitter
• The ages and numbers of kids and plans they have to juggle
• How much I want to go or need that particular sitter to accept #desperation
• And retroactively (i.e. tip), any wrenches we threw in their experience (illness, delays, extra plans)

5. INSTRUCTIONS? I may leave TMI, but I'd rather it all be available than not. First, I keep a quick-and-dirty schedule for our kids' average day on the fridge for reference (this is always there, not just for trips). I also keep a list there of Katherine's bedtime routine so it's easy to reference. 

For more detail, here are the key points in the too-long document that I email sitters a few days before we leave and print out for them to have on the kitchen counter:

• Schedule: Hour-by-hour table with the kids' schedule for each day (much of which is the same but not all), including any folks that will be coming by the house (mower, cleaner, packages -- I've forgotten these before and given the sitter a good scare). I used to plan a lot to keep the kids busy, but it made my prep and the sitter's life rough. Now I try to clear the schedule and just offer optional outings. (One of the many things I neglected last weekend.)
• Codes: WiFi, gate or garage entry, alarm system, screen/ipad/netflix access, etc.
• House Rules: i.e. "Wake the baby; clean the playroom. Food stays in the kitchen. No hits above the neck. Timeout for disrespect." Just don't make these any more strict than you actually are. I've made that mistake before and nearly incited a rebellion. Also, give the babysitter a chance to spoil the kids a little -- everyone will enjoy themselves more, your kids will not confuse their rules with yours, and your kids will be more open to you leaving next time. ;)
• Food: Ideas for what the kids are used to eating at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack. Rules about soda, desserts, etc. 
• Sleep: Bedtime routines. What to do if a child wakes in the night.
• Health: Any prescriptions, ongoing medical issues, preferred hospital/doctors, allergies, DOBs, and insurance. 
• Hygiene: Bathing, clothing, screen time routines.
• Contacts: Neighbors, family, close friends they can ask for help.
• Our Itinerary: flights, hotels, cell #s, etc.

6. FOOD? Here's a hard-won lesson: Perishables and leftovers will not get used. It surprises me every time, but someone else just doesn't know your fridge/kitchen like you do, so they won't finish those blueberries, that tupperware of spaghetti, or the package of lunchmeat -- even if you ask them to use it first. We've had a wide variety of sitters, and this has always been true, even if it's a food the kids love.

Instead, make sure your fridge or pantry has the bare necessities for PB&J, cheese toast, hot dogs, and breakfast cereal. Otherwise, I try to leave a freezer full of easy-to-heat options like frozen pizzas, hamburgers, fish sticks, corn dogs, breakfast sandwiches, and other kid-friendly, heavily-processed foods.

7. EXPENSES? I usually leave at least $100 in cash for incidental expenses that might arise while we're gone, including fast food, gas, etc. If you're on-the-ball, I'd recommend leaving it in an envelope on the counter with the instructions and asking them to put the receipts in the same envelope. I know this can sound anal, but it's always a little disconcerting to come home and find a few pennies left and no explanation of where it all went. If Josh has to turn in all his business receipts, I don't think it's too much to ask.

8. COMMUNICATION? If Josh and I are both gonna be gone more than a couple days, I like to leave a couple cards (with the printout schedule) from us for them to open around days 3 and 5. I also try to text pics of things we're seeing that remind me of the kids to the sitter (to show the kids). And if possible, we might FaceTime when the 2-yr-old is asleep (so we don't remind her of our existence). If you're a sitter reading this, I LOVE getting pics of or hearing quotes from my kids. Anytime.

9. RE-ENTRY? No one knows your house like you do. I never walk from one room to the other without taking something to put away. But I don't do this at other peoples' houses, and most sitters don't either. Mine usually make a much-appreciated effort to clean up, do the dishes, and have the kids put toys away. But don't be surprised if you get home and the house looks a little disheveled. It missed you. That's normal, and it's not a reflection of how well your babysitter cared for your kiddos. Also, bring small gifts for everyone at home.

10. STAY THE COURSE! You will hit a point -- especially if this is new to you -- when it feels like this trip could not possibly be worth all the preparation involved. When you planned it, you had amnesia. How could you have thought you could leave your people for a week?? But then you will get on that plane and spend a week pretending you're 25 again without a care in the world. And on your return, you will start brainstorming where you will go next. And amazingly, your kids will be just fine. #bonvoyage