No More Mommy Wars

I know, I know, "mommy wars" is a terrible, derogatory phrase, but it's exactly what I'm tackling today so I might as well take it on, and "Can't we all just get along?" is a little less...specific.

The fact is, it's hard to talk about the choices parents--especially mothers--make regarding their careers when they have children. I think there are 3 major reasons for this:

1. Everyone with kids has made a choice. They went back to work full time, part time, changed jobs, or stayed home. i.e. They put their "stake in the ground."

2. Few feel secure in their decision. People are incredibly sensitive to anything that might be construed as criticism of their choice, even if it's someone else expressing joy over an aspect of their own (different) choice. Because...

3. The stakes are high. How we handle this issue can play a big role in our self-image, identity, and values (work, kids, security, success, etc).

The whole issue reminds me of house hunting. Everyone wants you to look in their neighborhood, but what they really want is for you to buy in their neighborhood, because then you are validating their choice. If you look in their 'hood and buy somewhere else, it can feel like judgment of their decision. And it's a big decision; the stakes are high. Everyone wants to feel like they made the best choice.

For some reason, it seems to have taken about 40 years for me to realize that when I seek this validation for my choices or take offense at someone else's choice, I'm forgetting that their needs and circumstances are different from mine. It's obvious, I know. But I don't think our emotions always know. I have to constantly remind myself that You Are Not Me. #genius

For example, we bought our house based on its:

• proximity to our work, our church, and our school, 
• layout that served our family of 2 adults, 3 boys, a baby girl, and out-of-town friends/relatives, 
• our family's desire for plenty of neighbors but not plenty of land,
• maintenance/reno needs (or lack thereof) and price.

And these were just the primary factors. If you have a different workplace, church, school, or family dynamic, you are likely to make a different choice. Even if ALL of these things were somehow the same, you'd probably still make a different choice for any number of reasons!

OF COURSE people make different choices in housing...and in parenting. What's good for you may not be good for me or my kids with their own unique mixes of development and personality.

So why do we feel the need to defend our position, surround ourselves with people who made the same decision, call out anything that might make our decision more difficult, or just silently judge those doing things differently?

I was just reading 1 Corinthians 7, and it's full of thorny verses that require a lot of context and unpacking. This is not one of them: "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches" (v17).

I am gradually working on a post about what it has been like for me to become a stay-at-home mom. But each time I sit down to write it, I wind up with something like this post. So here it is: my disclaimer. I do not believe everyone should stay home full-time with their kids. I do believe it has worked really well for our family. And it's worth talking about why. Soon.

Wish I'd Known: Kindergarten

Parenthood has to be the biggest and most important project I've ever tackled, and it's the one for which there are no degrees, orientations, or continuing ed.

Thankfully, I'm in a multi-generational community at our church, so I've spent a lot of time pumping moms with older kids for info. Which is why I'm starting a new series here: Wish I'd Known. The schedule will be: whenever I get a relevant piece together.

Today's the first installment: Kindergarten!

This milestone should come with a red flag saying, Alert! You're about to enter a new phase of parenthood! I discovered this first-hand 6 years ago, so a friend* and I put our heads together to come up with a cheat sheet for parents. To keep it concise, I'm gonna let it sound bossy. Just take what works for you, discard the rest. Here goes...

The First Week of School

1. Model Excitement. You're anxious about your school choice, the teacher they got, their ability to succeed. HIDE IT ALL. Put on a smile and act excited. Trust me. You'll both feel better, and they'll feel more secure.

2. Enjoy the Honeymoon. And know that's what it is. Hopefully, your child will love school at first. They feel so big! Don't be shocked when they wake up one day and realize they have to go even when they don't feel like it. Their sudden change of heart does not mean you made the wrong choice or they are being mistreated -- it means they're human and still getting used to their new normal. Just wait it out. And remember the same for yourself; you'll learn to love the new normal, too.

3. Expect Fatigue. It may be disguised as grumpiness, hunger, or misbehavior, but generally kindergarteners are exhausted the first few months of school. It can take until Halloween for their brains to adjust to this level of activity. Even if they were in all-day daycare, the pace of kindergarten is different. They'll rise to the challenge and be fine; don't freak out that they've suddenly turned into a black sheep.

4. Feed Them. Depending on their lunch/snack schedule, they may come home depleted. Sometimes it makes more sense to feed them dinner at 4pm and a snack before bed - just until they get through #3. Once they've fully adjusted to the new schedule, they can fit back into a 3-meal-a-day routine.

5. Clear the Schedule. To the degree possible, don't sign up your new kindergartener for fall extracurriculars. See #3. They'll have plenty of time to learn all the things the rest of their days.

6. Meet the Teacher. A few ground rules:
1) Go to "Meet the Teacher" night, but don't tell them your child's life story there.
2) Email or call them in the first few weeks to let them know you want to hear about any issues that arise around your child (i.e. I won't get defensive or irate if you tell me they're having problems).
3) Tell them if your child has relevant quirks. Don't hope your teacher won't notice -- prepare them and give tips for managing them.
4) Meet the support staff, too. The school admin, nurse, principals, etc can all play a role in your family's school experience. Take a few minutes to meet them, and don't forget them at Christmas or end of school.

As Time Goes By

7. Study Their Personalities. After school, you might find an introvert needs quiet/alone time, while another wants to download all the words immediately, and another just wants 10 minutes of cuddling. Try to fill their buckets before the melt-downs ensue.

8. Adjust Your Routines. Whether it's food (#4), after-school routines (#7), or home organization, pay attention to the times stress pops up repeatedly and see if small changes could alleviate those bottlenecks. My kids kept forgetting snacks (shouting, mad dash back to the pantry), so I put a bench with a drawer by the door and filled it with snacks. They were suddenly using the front door to come/go (b/c bus), so we put hooks nearby for jackets/backpacks. For one child, we got laceless shoes because tying them in the morning was 👹. Finally, giving ourselves an "extra" 15 minutes in the morning can make the whole day start off smoother (and doesn't really effect sleepiness).

9. Teach them Independence. They don't know how to handle homework or folders or lunches or alarm clocks. But this is your chance! Teach them now, enjoy forever. Give them an alarm clock. They're so big now! 😈 Discuss lunch options (maybe create a schedule for what they pack every Monday, Tues, etc), and teach them how to pack it themselves the night before (or let them buy it🙋). Same for folders, homework, projects, etc. Help them create healthy routines for getting that stuff done, but don't take over. The more you let them have ownership of their schoolwork from the start, the less they'll expect you to be their admin asst. (i.e. They forgot to bring you their folder one night? Their fault, not yours.) Just remember they don't innately know how to be responsible. #coachmom

10. Focus on Growth. If your prayers for school are all about having fun, and your first question after school is "Did you have fun?" What will your child think the point is? FUN.🙅 Be deliberate. Talk about all their chances to learn and grow and become stronger and wiser and kinder at school. Ask how they were brave today. Is there a time they showed kindness? What's 1 new thing they learned? All the research says don't tell them they're smart (they'll become afraid of disproving it), tell them they're capable, they can learn and work hard and show grit. Also, encourage their "best work" -- regardless of the grades it gets.

11. Meet the Parents. Your kids will be in classes together for years to come. Might as well find a few moms you can text along the way. Think carpools and homework questions and "When is the book fair again?" Just don't feel like you have to run the school your first year there; room mom is fine, but save PTA for once you have some experience under your belt.

12. Meet the Kids. Invite a new school friend over for a playdate and/or volunteer to help with a class party. And pay attention to the class dynamics. Once they've settled into school -- after Christmas -- sit with them for lunch in the cafeteria. The more you observe, the more sense your child's stories/behavior will make. Still, don't assume your child's reporting on their teachers or classmates is accurate. If something sounds alarming, ask the teacher what happened. Never accuse. You will be amazed how easily your child can misinterpret the facts.

13. Embrace Challenges. See #10. Remember the point of school is not to be easy or delightful. As your child encounters problems, help them see opportunities to grow and learn. This is why they are there -- not just to learn math and reading but also social skills and problem solving. For example, when my child had difficulty with a classmate on the playground, we talked about "stop, run, tell" = 1) ask the kid to stop, 2) run away to another area, 3) if they follow you, tell an adult. We coached and role played at home, but then they had to practice it at school. #lifeskills

14. Pray for them, their classmates, their teachers, etc. It's good for the soul.

15. Enjoy your Time! As we've switched to the elementary schedule, I've noticed I have more time to myself 🙌 8am-3pm, and then it's off to the races with snack, homework, extracurriculars, dinner, bedtime. This balance has been much better for my mental health than the preschool years. I enjoy evenings, weekends, holidays, and summer so much more now that we're not together 24-7. Take a moment to recognize this change and live. it. up. ;)

*My friend Rachel was a kindergarten teacher, has sent 3 kids to kindergarten, and is just very organized and articulate = the perfect partner in this endeavor. Hope you found our notes helpful!

I'm Baaaack!

Three years ago, I declared that I would say all the things, tackle the tough issues, bring my beliefs out into the light for debate and refinement (see Ask Me Anything).

The very next day, I got the shock of my life: I was pregnant. I promptly forgot everything else I was going to say.

But after 4 kids, I've discovered that when my baby turns 2, my brain comes back. Or maybe it's my energy? The intensity of pregnancy, birth, infancy, nursing, etc. finally gives way to a more reasonable state of being. The newly-minted 2-year-old can walk and (almost) talk and has a spot reserved at preschool.

Frankly, this is the point when I tend to get a little bored. I have LOTS of chores to do. But it must be my brain that comes back, because suddenly I'm looking for more...intellectual rigor. (This is also when I've usually decided I'm ready for another kid. NOT this time!)

One glance at my blog post inventory (bottom right) will show you that I've had a recent surge. It could be too much caffeine, but I think it's more likely this restlessness finding an outlet. And it feels so good to be writing -- even more, to be synthesizing my thoughts -- again. 

It is a luxury to have the time and mental space to form rational opinions, to have epiphanies about home decor or research and report back on women in the church. I know that now. When I have been shellshocked from a diagnosis or consumed with caring for a newborn, I haven't been organizing tips for travel.

So who knows how long this little streak will last? Probably until we get a dog. Or some other shoe drops. But for now, prepare yourself. 

This little blog just reaches people I know, so I'm gonna say some things, share what I've been learning, and see how it sounds, what you think. Don't worry, I don't think I've figured it all out. I've just remembered that it's better to say it out loud and find out if I'm wrong. #truthovercomfort

Please jump in anytime -- comment below or on Facebook, reply via email, by text, or in person. I LOVE feedback. Especially if it's gentle.

Bring Back the Clutter

These days, it's easy to watch HGTV and think there is only one opinion on...

• "Open-concept" floor plans
• Large kitchen islands
• Rustic farm tables
• Benches (or "banquettes")
• White sofas
• Hardwood floors
• Jute rugs
• "Clean lines"

I have only dipped my toe into the world of interior design in the last 5-10 years, learning from talented friends, catalogs, and living in actual houses with my very real family.

Over that time, I have been discovering that a lot of design -- pictures on Houzz, for example -- is created for the aesthetic, not for utility. What looks good on instagram doesn't necessarily "live well." For example...

• "Open-concept" floor plans -- A large central space is nice for gatherings, but taking *all* the walls out of living areas just means all 6 of us would have to hear each other--and see each other's messes--all the time. We love togetherness, but sometimes, you just need to be alone. Or send the kids elsewhere. Somewhere with a door.
• Large kitchen islands -- It's not really fun all sitting down to eat side-by-side. It would work for 1-2, but we have 6. How do you carry on a conversation with 5 other people sitting in a row? I like our island -- it just doesn't replace our kitchen table.
• Rustic farm tables -- Have you ever tried to wipe down a rustic farm table? Or get the food crumbs out of the cracks? Or seen maggots in said cracks? (😝 not my table, just to be clear)
• Benches/banquettes -- These can be a great solution for small dining spaces, but now I'm seeing them everywhere, as in where they are not necessary. Have you ever tried to slide into a banquette? Or sit on a backless bench for a long meal? Or extricate yourself from either one to use the restroom? 
• White sofas -- I think this one is self-explanatory but will add that slip-covers are not the answer if you've ever tried to remove, wash, dry, iron, and re-apply their shriveled, discolored selves.
• Hardwood floors -- They can be lovely, but they do fade, scratch, hurt the heads of wrestling boys or learning-to-walk toddlers, show all the dust/crumbs, and require expensive area rugs and refinishing...so maybe not the be-all-end-all on flooring solutions.
• Jute rugs -- They're scratchy on bare feet and make it nearly impossible to clean up a spill (see also "rustic farm tables").
• Clean lines -- See below.

I'm not trying to make enemies here. We have an example of all of the above in our current home. Instead, I'm trying to point out that groupthink does not equal perfection. We don't all need to decorate like the Property Brothers -- or assume that what's popular is what's best for us.

And really, I'm talking to myself here, because I'm learning this the hard way. In fact, last week, I had an epiphany along these lines.

I have been drinking the de-cluttering Kool-Aid for years, channeling Marie Kondo as I have tried to create clean, simple spaces for our family. Our family of 2, 6, 9, 11 and 40-something-year-olds. #exerciseinfutility

At least 5 encounters have helped me re-evaluated the virtue of clutter-free living:

1. Irish Houses. Seriously, a friend of mine from Ireland mentioned that Irish homes have lots of unapologetic clutter: stacks of books, papers, detritus from unknown years that make them feel cozy, homey. There is no embarrassment about the stuff, no expectation that bookshelves should hold one dish or color-coordinated blue hardcovers rather than the random selection of books these people have read and loved over the years. These are peoples' homes. Not hotels. And they are content to live in them with their stuff.

2. Instagram Renos. A couple pictures caught my eye because they looked beautiful and peaceful. After a few days, I realized they took de-cluttering to a new level. All of the counters and tables were clear except for maybe one healthy-looking potted plant. All the surfaces were white or natural, yet showed none of the smudges or water-marks or fingerprints that would tattoo mine. I suddenly realized that ANY signs life would deposit on these surfaces would stand out like a sore thumb. These places were made for singles or empty-nesters who could keep them spotless.

3. House Beautiful. Somehow I "qualified" for a $2 subscription, and a 20-something friend recommended it. I'm so glad she did. It has been a culture-shock from my Crate & Barrel and RH catalogs, but the continuous stream of full, colorful, eclectic AND beautiful rooms has opened my horizons.

4. The Magnolia Story by Joanna & Chip Gaines. At one point Joanna describes her own epiphany that she was decorating her home as a showcase for her business rather than making it hospitable for her young children. Her parenting was layered with extra stress because her decor was in constant conflict with its inhabitants. She could change this -- she could design the home FOR her children rather than in opposition to them.💡

5. You've Got Mail. Yes, this movie released in 1999. But when it opens in Meg Ryan's Upper West Side apartment, I suddenly realized that it looked cozy, comfortable, and adorable, AND it was full of stuff. The piles and trinkets and blankets cluttering the rooms added to the charm rather than ruining the effect of the design.

6. The Weasley Home. We've been listening to Jim Dale read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets this week. The description of the Dursley's spotless home vs. the Weasley's cluttered home struck me right between the eyes. Even taking magic out of the picture, where would I rather live? Is that even a question?

All of which is making me re-evaluate my design goals for our home. As with everything in life, I'm realizing that expectations make a big difference. If I'm going for the Swedish minimalist look, clutter will drive me bananas. But if I'm going for Cotswold Cottage, it'll add to the ambiance. And since clutter with 6 people (one of whom carries random objects to random spots around the home nonstop) is a non-negotiable, maybe I should be leaning more toward French provincial or cottage eclectic? I can certainly include more color and patterns that provide camouflage for lego spaceships and dollhouses.

These years with all the little people at home are flying by. Yesterday, my boys were 5, 3, and 1. Today they're 5TH GRADE, 3rd grade, and kindergarten. I do NOT want to spend these years wishing they wouldn't play with their toys because it makes such a mess. Or waiting to have people over once everything is shoved in the closets.

Years ago, a mentor mom whose daughter was in college told me her greatest regret was all the time she'd spent nagging and stressing about keeping the house neat and clean. I am so thankful for her honesty, because it gives me a chance to avoid that particular pitfall.

I will teach my kids how to clean up and do chores and not live in a pigsty, but I will also let them play and seize the moment and be creative and relax. And if I can modify our decor in a way that makes this environment more pleasant for all of us, Count Me In.

Got any favorite tips for accomplishing this? Or pet peeves about popular design elements that didn't work for you? I'm all ears!

Parent Getaways? Overnight Sitters

We love to travel, but we don’t always take the kids, because:

1. We need marriage-building time. 
2. They’re not old enough. 
3. It’s too expensive.

Growing up, it felt like my parents took us on every other trip, which was fine with me. Josh and I are trying to take 1-2 trips (sometimes just a weekend) per year without the kids. 

Which means we need overnight sitters. For four children.😳 

When I joined Josh on a business trip to London in June, I employed every trick I knew to make my 7-day absence a success, and it worked pretty well.

This past Friday, I left for a long weekend in NYC. I’d been busy-busy with birthday plans and VBS and whatnot right up until Thursday at 9pm when I started packing. The kids were with Josh(Dad) Fri-Sun and a sitter Sun-Mon. My attention was not focused on that last 28 hours. So I forgot all the things. (😳#2) 

Then, flight delays extended my absence by 16 hours, and all the things became even more important. (😳#3)

Thankfully, it all worked out OK, but not without angst all around. Turns out that after all these years of leaving the kids with sitters overnight, I still need a list. And given the number of questions I get about this, maybe you do too. 

So, as a counterpoint to my post about Traveling with Kids, here’s the list for when we leave our precious little people at home...

Preparing for Overnight Sitters: Top 10 Tips

1. WHO? My best advice is to start with childcare professionals — teachers from your kids’ school, people that work in your church children’s ministry, an off-duty nanny, etc. Grad students can work out well if they have experience with kids. The trick is always finding someone comfortable juggling multiple kids AND available -- bonus points if they already babysit for you. 

In addition, make sure they are comfortable handling meal preparation, routine chores (i.e. dishes), transportation for your kids (driving your car, moving car seats, etc), and agree ahead of time on contingency plans:

• What if one of your kids gets sick? Can they handle it? How serious does it have to be for them to call you? At what point should they expect you to come home early? 
• What if they get sick? Is there someone they could call to help them?
• How long can they stay after your official trip if you’re delayed? Do you have friends/family around the day after who could take over?

Trust me: There’s nothing more helpless than being in another state or country and realizing you have different expectations on these points — or didn’t even think about them. 

2. WHEN? Whenever you can get them! In my experience, the place on the Venn diagram where your options and their availability overlap is teeny tiny, and usually falls on weekends and school breaks (b/c teachers). 

Note, if we're leaving on a 6am flight, I always give them the option to arrive the night before after the kids are in bed (they usually take me up on it so they don't have to arrive at 4am) -- same on the other end if we're set to arrive home late at night, they're welcome to stay over rather than stay up.

3. HOW LONG? In my experience with *my* kids *so far* (who are 2, 6, 9, 11), eight days is the max. By then everyone is starting to melt. I also think that’s as much time as I can cover/prep for. 

But that’s not to say I’d leave them with 1 sitter that long. Everyone gets worn out in someone else’s home, with someone else’s people, so we’ve found 4 days is a comfortable max for someone to stay with our kids. Plus, a fresh face halfway through breaks it up for the kids. That does mean there’s a transition while we’re gone, but it’s worth it. 

4. HOW MUCH? This is variable, obv. The key is of course trying to find that perfect spot -- high enough to make it worth their while, low enough to be worth yours. I usually state it up front in the ask, so they can decide with all the info. And I do a bulk, flat rate, based on about $125-150 per 24-hour period. Three factors influence what we offer:

• The experience level/capability of the sitter
• The ages and numbers of kids and plans they have to juggle
• How much I want to go or need that particular sitter to accept #desperation
• And retroactively (i.e. tip), any wrenches we threw in their experience (illness, delays, extra plans)

5. INSTRUCTIONS? I may leave TMI, but I'd rather it all be available than not. First, I keep a quick-and-dirty schedule for our kids' average day on the fridge for reference (this is always there, not just for trips). I also keep a list there of Katherine's bedtime routine so it's easy to reference. 

For more detail, here are the key points in the too-long document that I email sitters a few days before we leave and print out for them to have on the kitchen counter:

• Schedule: Hour-by-hour table with the kids' schedule for each day (much of which is the same but not all), including any folks that will be coming by the house (mower, cleaner, packages -- I've forgotten these before and given the sitter a good scare). I used to plan a lot to keep the kids busy, but it made my prep and the sitter's life rough. Now I try to clear the schedule and just offer optional outings. (One of the many things I neglected last weekend.)
• Codes: WiFi, gate or garage entry, alarm system, screen/ipad/netflix access, etc.
• House Rules: i.e. "Wake the baby; clean the playroom. Food stays in the kitchen. No hits above the neck. Timeout for disrespect." Just don't make these any more strict than you actually are. I've made that mistake before and nearly incited a rebellion. Also, give the babysitter a chance to spoil the kids a little -- everyone will enjoy themselves more, your kids will not confuse their rules with yours, and your kids will be more open to you leaving next time. ;)
• Food: Ideas for what the kids are used to eating at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack. Rules about soda, desserts, etc. 
• Sleep: Bedtime routines. What to do if a child wakes in the night.
• Health: Any prescriptions, ongoing medical issues, preferred hospital/doctors, allergies, DOBs, and insurance. 
• Hygiene: Bathing, clothing, screen time routines.
• Contacts: Neighbors, family, close friends they can ask for help.
• Our Itinerary: flights, hotels, cell #s, etc.

6. FOOD? Here's a hard-won lesson: Perishables and leftovers will not get used. It surprises me every time, but someone else just doesn't know your fridge/kitchen like you do, so they won't finish those blueberries, that tupperware of spaghetti, or the package of lunchmeat -- even if you ask them to use it first. We've had a wide variety of sitters, and this has always been true, even if it's a food the kids love.

Instead, make sure your fridge or pantry has the bare necessities for PB&J, cheese toast, hot dogs, and breakfast cereal. Otherwise, I try to leave a freezer full of easy-to-heat options like frozen pizzas, hamburgers, fish sticks, corn dogs, breakfast sandwiches, and other kid-friendly, heavily-processed foods.

7. EXPENSES? I usually leave at least $100 in cash for incidental expenses that might arise while we're gone, including fast food, gas, etc. If you're on-the-ball, I'd recommend leaving it in an envelope on the counter with the instructions and asking them to put the receipts in the same envelope. I know this can sound anal, but it's always a little disconcerting to come home and find a few pennies left and no explanation of where it all went. If Josh has to turn in all his business receipts, I don't think it's too much to ask.

8. COMMUNICATION? If Josh and I are both gonna be gone more than a couple days, I like to leave a couple cards (with the printout schedule) from us for them to open around days 3 and 5. I also try to text pics of things we're seeing that remind me of the kids to the sitter (to show the kids). And if possible, we might FaceTime when the 2-yr-old is asleep (so we don't remind her of our existence). If you're a sitter reading this, I LOVE getting pics of or hearing quotes from my kids. Anytime.

9. RE-ENTRY? No one knows your house like you do. I never walk from one room to the other without taking something to put away. But I don't do this at other peoples' houses, and most sitters don't either. Mine usually make a much-appreciated effort to clean up, do the dishes, and have the kids put toys away. But don't be surprised if you get home and the house looks a little disheveled. It missed you. That's normal, and it's not a reflection of how well your babysitter cared for your kiddos. Also, bring small gifts for everyone at home.

10. STAY THE COURSE! You will hit a point -- especially if this is new to you -- when it feels like this trip could not possibly be worth all the preparation involved. When you planned it, you had amnesia. How could you have thought you could leave your people for a week?? But then you will get on that plane and spend a week pretending you're 25 again without a care in the world. And on your return, you will start brainstorming where you will go next. And amazingly, your kids will be just fine. #bonvoyage

Women in the Church

Y'all, I started drafting this post 42 months ago, and I still publish it today with trepidation. But, I think it's time to put it out there. Still, if you think this means I think I've got it all figured out, please read this first: Back in the Saddle.

Four years ago, a whole new can of worms thrust itself on my consciousness. I did not want to open it. It is messy and difficult and raises conflicts that I prefer to avoid. Which is why I think God had to force it upon me.

The issue? Women's roles, particularly in the church. 

Frankly, it didn't seem like a big deal at first. There are lots of different perspectives on it within orthodox Christianity, so it's not considered a core theology. And considering how far women have come in the last century, it seemed less of an issue than in the past. 

Then everything changed, I was boarding my flight to a Christian women's conference with a line-up of amazing co-ed Bible teachers. I pulled up the FAQ out of curiosity, and was shocked to learn that men are not allowed to attend the conference because some member churches do not believe women should be allowed to teach the Bible to men. The corollary is also true: no women teach at their conferences men attend.

If you're not an evangelical Christian, this will probably sound absurd. I am an evangelical Christian and it sounded absurd. But it turns out this is the tip of a very large iceberg. 

Upon arriving at the conference, I found the pre-conference was on the subject of gender roles. At the book tables, I found a new booklet by an author I respect. I read it, thought it sounded about right, and put the issue to rest. 

Ha. Ha.

The following week, I showed up at my first meeting with a segment of our church's leadership, where they announced we would be studying the role of women in the church. Hm. This might require more than a handy-dandy little booklet...

Process

I started by emailing a few trusted friends for advice, and suddenly, I was off to the races. Studying my Bible, reading books, listening to sermons, discussing with friends and pastors, and trying to wade through what has turned out to be a really important and under-appreciated (at least by me) issue. 

As a result, I have found my perspective expanding. It is taking time to process what that means, what its ripple effects are, how it is changing my worldview, and I'm still eager for "devil's advocates" to test ideas. I don't even feel like I've landed in one spot with any certainty, and I began this trek 4 years ago. But I do feel confident my understanding of gender issues in the church is stronger, healthier, and more biblical than when I began.

If you've been with me a while, you may remember my old post, Seeing Blind Spots; this process is not unusual for me. I'd spent the year before this all began awakening to a whole other systematic injustice issue (racism), so maybe God knew I was poised for another mental earthquake - but one where I carried even more responsibility and influence.

Still, the process is not easy. I'm convinced this is why most people don't change their views very much, why we tend to read those we agree with, and why God has to force me to face errors in my thinking.

One of the first books I read presented an unfamiliar perspective on the issue. I read it with a defensive and critical posture. I kept listening and reading and thinking and months later came back to that same book but found it to be a whole different book! How did it make so much more sense this time? Why didn't I get it originally? Because I wasn't ready. Too much mental processing still had to happen, and it's hard to shortcut.

Which is why I'm only going to 1) give a general intro on the subject, 2) touch on some of the surprising things I've learned on this journey, and 3) refer you to some of my favorite sources if you're interested in exploring it yourself.

Respectfully exploring a subject like this requires a lot of head and heart work, and no one else can do it for you. If you're interested, if you feel God tugging you to take another look, or if your church is tackling some of these issues, I urge you to DIG IN. And don't just read one viewpoint. Read about each viewpoint from people who believe that viewpoint. You will be amazed how much you learn.

Overview

First, the two primary perspectives on how gender should affect the church are often called "complementarian" and "egalitarian." I will use these terms because they are popular, but the terminology can be misleading, since within mainstream evangelical scholarship, everyone agrees men and women are equal in value and complementary (i.e. different).

Complementarians

I've generally found "complementarians" believe the genders are of equal value but positions of authority in the church and home are limited to men (they often say the genders have different "roles," though the restrictions in the church all seem to be on women). Complementarians agree that gender-based male authority was part of God's created order and abuses of that authority were a result of the fall.

There is tremendous variation in where complementarians draw the lines restricting women. Many--though not all--believe women should have equal access to positions in the secular marketplace but not in the church or home. Some believe women cannot ever teach men, others believe they can teach Christian living but not theology, others believe they can "teach" but not "preach," others believe they can preach but not lead or rule (i.e. vote on the governing board), some believe they can lead on the mission field or in a parachurch ministry but not in an American church, some believe they can "direct" a ministry but not "pastor" a ministry, others believe they can teach men occasionally but not regularly or in private but not in public, etc.

So really, it might be more accurate to think of this issue (women's roles in the church) as a continuum, with conservative complementarians on one end and egalitarians on the other.

For an exposition of complementarianism, check out the book Women and Ministry: What the Bible Teaches by Dan Doriani, this series of articles by Thabiti Anyabwile via The Gospel Coalition, or The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood's website.

Egalitarians

I've found "egalitarians" believe the genders are of equal value, men and women are different and complementary, and that both should have equal access to any position in the church or society for which they have the character and competency (or "gifting"). Egalitarians believe that authority's tie to gender was a result of the fall/sin, and that Christ brought reconciliation with the priesthood of all believers.

Egalitarians have more uniformity in practice since they believe both genders should have access to any position. Sometimes their views differ on gender roles in marriage. However, I have found the more striking variety is the list of exegetical reasons they are egalitarian. I have heard many different interpretations of each of the key texts in support of an egalitarian viewpoint.  

For an exposition of egalitarianism, check out the books Beyond Sex Roles by Gilbert Bilezikian, this blog series by Rachel Held Evens, or Christians for Biblical Equality's website.

For those with a blended perspective (ex. gender-based roles in marriage but not the church), check out Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus on Christian Leadership by Sarah Sumner, Through His Eyes: God's Perspective on Women in the Bible by Jerram Barrs*, or this essay by Park Street Church pastor Gordon Hugenberger.

Discoveries

Now, rather than reiterate all of the exegesis and biblical arguments found in the above resources, I thought I'd let you explore them for yourself. :)

Instead, I thought I'd list a few of the ideas I have personally found surprising on my journey...

1. There are people on every part of the continuum from "egalitarian" to "complementarian" with a "high view of Scripture" (i.e. they believe it is inerrant), who earnestly seek the most accurate interpretation of the Bible's teaching on the issue, and who believe their view is it. I have found the biggest misconception is that the other side (egalitarians or complementarians) is sacrificing biblical accuracy for the sake of cultural acceptance. There may be some who do, but most of the evangelical scholars I've read are committed to the authority of the Bible first and foremost.

2. We all approach this issue with preconceptions and biases, because of our gender, upbringing, social circle, professional community, etc. No one is immune. Furthermore, everyone feels they are shedding their cultural biases in taking their position. Complementarians show courage by bucking secular culture. Egalitarians show courage by bucking traditional conservative culture. In my life, traditional conservative culture (Southern modern American Protestant 20th-century values, biblical or not) holds sway and is most difficult for me to resist, partially because resistance can have costly consequences for me and my family. 

3. None of the respected scholars in this debate promote the "historical" (3rd-20th century AD) church's position. Everyone is advocating what they believe was the view of Jesus, Paul, and the New Testament church. Until the 20th century, the post-apostolic "historical" church reflected the greater culture's belief that women were inferior to men. Women generally were not educated or allowed to own property, earn an income, become a professional, vote, or hold any position of leadership in co-ed enterprises (including government). Thus, all the respected, modern evangelical scholars I have read--complementarian and egalitarian--are advocating reform on the church's "historical" view of women -- the difference is in the proposed revision. 

4. The church has undergone many reforms over the past centuries which have improved our understanding and application of the Bible's teaching. Examples include the church's views on polygamy, geocentrism, slavery, racism, and of course, grace (i.e. The Reformation). Progressives are generally comfortable with this idea, but conservatives are by definition hesitant to admit that tradition (not the Bible but the church's interpretation of it) was wrong - or could be wrong about something now. Conservatives also tend to see a slippery slope behind every proposed reform. I believe the key block to any slippery slope is the Bible itself. We have nothing to fear so long as the reform makes the church more biblical -- more true to the Bible's intent -- not less. 

5. These reforms are possible because hermeneutics (the study of biblical interpretation) is far less settled than I previously thought. There is disagreement among scholars about what the rules should be, in what order they should be applied, and how to apply the results in a modern context on a variety of issues that lie outside the core creeds.

Hermeneutics is critical because a "plain reading" of the text is usually not possible on these controversial issues - otherwise they would not be controversial. No respected evangelical scholars claim that 1 Corinthians 11 means men may not cover their heads but women must. They don't say 1 Corinthians 14 means women have to be silent in the church today. I have also not read anyone saying men must raise their hands when praying as instructed in 1 Timothy 2, or that a woman today is saved by having a baby. Everyone acknowledges that these passages require study and discernment to be properly understood and applied (i.e. hermeneutics). This complexity would also explain why scholars on both sides of the debate have diverse interpretations of the most-cited scriptures.

6. This issue is really important. When there is so much common ground (i.e. the genders are equal and complementary), gender issues can start to feel insignificant. After all, most complementarians today will let a woman teach, lead prayer, sit in on leadership committees, lead certain ministries, and participate in congregational votes. So why the big fuss?

As I've been discovering, there are huge practical implications based on where limits are placed on women in ministry, from the personal (how we believe God created women and sees them) to the global (how the church is impacted by having all male leadership). Where people--and ultimately churches--land on these issues has very real impact on the lives of church communities.

More Resources

...Which is why I have found the stories of those people and institutions who have gone through a similar process helpful, including:

• Men and Women in the Church by Sarah Sumner (book)
• Grace Community Church of Noblesville, IN: (audio/transcript)
• 2/2/14 Our approach to the bible and spiritual discernment 
• 2/9/14 Our approach to women in leadership 

• Grace Chapel of Lexington, MA senior pastor's testimony (AV)
• How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals by Alan F. Johnson (book)

Finally, why have I even bothered to put this all together?
1. Because it has helped me organize my thoughts and record this part of my journey (see "Back in the Saddle").
2. To test out these ideas/sources and see if you poke holes in them.
3. As feedback for all those who have helped me or questioned me along the way so far.
4. Because I would have found a post like this incredibly helpful 4 years ago!! ;)

I hope you do too!

*While Barrs' position on women's roles in the church is unclear (I searched but could not find one from him), his chapter 20 "Your Daughters Will Prophesy" in this book led me to put him in this category.

Traveling (with Kids)

We love to travel. I grew up with a dad who traveled for work, meticulously tracked his frequent flyer rewards, and used them on us so we could see the world. #luckyiknow

Then I married an aspiring doctor. Doctors don't travel! Except mine.🙋 Hallelujah he has learned the ropes of tracking points to get free trips, so now I'm back to traveling again. Sometimes without kids. Often with. (And don't worry, to everything there's a yang. I have 4 little kids and a hubs who travels a lot. Don't be jealous.)

But this is my world, so I get questions about traveling. Today I thought I'd collect some of the tips that have helped us in the past...

     Why We Do Disney
     How We Do Disney
     Why We Fled the Country
     Italy in Retrospect (2nd half is travel tips)

And add a few more, with an emphasis on big-picture ideas that have been key for us. Sorry if they sound bossy. They might not work for you. I make no guarantees. But if one of them helps, mission accomplished. Here we go:

1. Frame your Trip as an Adventure.

If you hear "travel" and picture carefree time napping on white beaches, you can stop reading now. That is a "vacation," an escape from responsibility in order to rest. That is lovely, sometimes necessary, often helpful, but that is not "travel," and it's certainly not travel with kids. Which will probably not surprise you.

However, you might be surprised how often people approach any trip as if it is supposed to be vacation. I paid for this. It's not "work." Therefore, it should be easy and carefree. Even if they're flying across an ocean or visiting a place they don't speak the language.

I believe this is the biggest trap Americans fall into. It can rapidly skewer any trip. It creates unrealistic expectations that turn quirks into annoyances, surprises into disappointments.

There is a remarkably easy fix: frame travel as an adventure. Look for stories to tell, puzzles to solve, and inspiration that can only come from the unfamiliar (good, bad, and ugly). We are wayfinders, observers of people, explorers of the wild. We want to see God's creativity, humanity's diversity, and how our bodies can cope with all of it. We do it for the thrill, the memories, and because it makes us stronger, deeper, and wider.

If you approach travel like Indiana Jones or Maya Angelou rather than Carrie Bradshaw, then sleepless nights, missed connections, and incompetent tour guides become your bread and butter. Not that you're reckless -- you've done your due diligence, read the reviews, planned the best trip you can -- but when new experiences are not as you imagined them (#duh they're new), you won't be wrecked.

Josh and I have spent many lovely nights in Paris, but the one we reference far more than any other is that hot, loud summer night in Montmartre at the cheap hotel with no AC where we had to keep the windows open (to breathe) and heard the locals all night long laughing, arguing, and playing music.

Would I book that hotel again? No.
Did that sleepless night wreck our trip? No.
Do I remember that night every time I read about the 1920s art renaissance in Paris? Absolutely.
It was part of the adventure, and in its own quirky way, it enhanced our trip.

Before I move on, I have to mention that experiences in both directions can do this. Using Josh's Marriott points in London, I got a great deal on a 5-star hotel during our last trip. It was the only time we've been greeted with a special shot of juice and nibble of chocolate at check-in because they'd asked in advance what we like to eat/drink. It knocked our socks off, and will be another story we remember. Does that mean we need to stay at 5-stars to be happy? Uh, no. THAT would be doom indeed.

One last thing on this note: Choosing to frame travel as an adventure communicates that perspective to the kids traveling with us. When they see us tackling the unexpected with relish or managing disappointment with grit, they are more likely to follow suit. We're all human, so none of us does this immediately or perfectly, but when appreciation and resilience form our home base, we'll end up back there after our initial reflex, and so will they. We hope.

2. Fill in Context.

The first time we took our kids to Washington DC, it was to see where Daddy was working on assignment. I was focused on seeing his temporary life there, not on preparing the kids for the city.

Once we got there, I realized my mistake. My oldest had a smidgeon of context from his 1st-grade social studies class, but it was hardly enough to get my 3 boys excited about a city they'd barely heard of. So we quickly rented Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian and National Treasure and spent a few hours in the apartment filling in gaps, giving them a picture of why the sites we'd be visiting matter.

We can tell our kids they should be thankful, they're so lucky to see ___, that this is a really cool ____, but if they haven't seen or heard of it in conversations or novels or documentaries or the myriad ways we form impressions of landmarks, we're just telling them how to feel, not making them feel it.

And this principle isn't just for kids. Before we travel somewhere, I look up books (travelogues or novels) and movies that are set in that locale. I brush up on why this place is interesting, why we're bothering to visit it, what stories have taken place there.

Before we visit Walt Disney World, we watch Disney movies and listen to Disney's endless library of songs. On our way to the UK, I read Bridge Jones Diary or About a Boy or Agatha Christie or Jane Austen. I'm preparing now for a trip to NYC so I dusted off From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler, You've Got Mail, Serendipity, and Rules of Civility, to name a few. If my kids were coming, Home Alone 2 would be on that list. You get the idea...

3. Remember your Audience.

Whether that audience is you or your children, make sure at least half your time is spent on what the audience wants to do, not just what you "should" do. You can't go to Paris and skip the Louvre. But you don't have to spend days in the Louvre, and you can set aside time to see Julia Child's apartment or the filming locations for Hugo Cabret, even if they're not on the top 15 lists of things to do in Paris.

I've spent the last few years mentally editing our "someday" trip to London with our boys, and I can tell you it won't be filled with the National Portrait Gallery and architecture tours. It will be full of castles and kings and Harry Potter and Peter Pan and playgrounds and the Natural Science Museum and afternoon tea (which we do at home to condition them to love it ;)). If we explore the Cabinet War Rooms, it'll be after we read The Book Thief and watched some of Darkest Hour (see #2).

The point is, we will stretch them--and ourselves--by seeing some of the "must-sees." But we'll provide as much context as we can, and we'll reserve the rest of the time to meet our kids where they are, to show them the magic of that place in the language of their developmental stage. We'll whet their appetite, so someday they'll want to come back as adults and do the stuff that currently looks "boring."

And we'll do the same for ourselves, even when we're kid-free. #grace

Ok, now for the nitty gritty. When planning for travel...

4. Join every Loyalty Program that's not a credit card.

Hotel chains, airlines, rental car companies, restaurants, you name it. They cost nothing to join, and while you may think, "I'll never be here again," you just might. A couple nights at an Accor (European) hotel every few years eventually adds up to a free stay. But really, why NOT? Because in travel...

Loyalty is a virtue. You want to stay at a boutique hotel? Go for it. But at least check to see if Hyatt has a boutique hotel in that city. Most chains are forming more heterogenous collections and adding local-flavored options to their offerings. And many small businesses are finding ways to join global networks so you can earn/use points with them. Don't assume every Marriott will feel like the Fairfield off the interstate. I just booked The Bernic in NYC with Hilton points. Globalization has its benefits.

5. Use Travel Sites Carefully.

TripAdvisor is my go-to for reviews, but it deletes some critical reviews and shows positive reviews up top. It also places a lot of weight on "value," so a top-ranked hotel may not be very nice but "earned" its rating because it's cheap. I still find the reviews helpful, but I know this going in. Same with Kayak, where their aggregated pricing can be helpful, but I don't assume they're showing me all the options. I also know their mobile site gives me better prices than on my laptop. #hmm

Also, sometimes it is worth booking through a discounter (i.e. Expedia, Priceline, Hotels.com). But beware -- discounters have access to a limited number of rooms, so they may show a hotel as sold out before it is actually sold out. Some hotels also treat discounter reservations with less...care than if you'd booked directly.

Finally, hotel chains are starting to go head-to-head with discounters, guaranteeing the lowest price and offering extra perks for booking with them. In fact, if you don't book directly with Hilton, your stays at their hotels will not earn you points with their loyalty program. That may not be a deal-breaker, but it's good to know if the prices are similar.

6. Pack well. 

This is going to mean something different for every trip, but for us, it often means packing light so we're not weighed down with bags between hotels. It also means each person carries their own stuff.

To be specific, we have found the following products helpful:

As Adults
- Phone chargers (the kind that extend your phone life without a socket handy)
- Power converters (i.e. allows you to plug into Euro sockets)
- Ponchos (cheap, plastic) for when you have to be outdoor on rainy days
- Extra carryon bags that collapse into a sandwich bag for unexpected purchases (like this duffle)
- 4-wheelers i.e. suitcases you don't have to tilt to move (Note: I used to love travel backpacks but now that I'm old, they hurt my hips after a day at an art museum😬. Also, we've found the best--cheap--selection at TJ Maxx).
- Global entry -- it's a little-known program that gives you TSA-pre (faster airport security) and a breeze through US customs (helps with connections). If you have an airline credit card, they might even pay the fee for you.

With Kids
- Inflatable booster seats (we use Bubble Bums)
- Double-Bob stroller -- It's our vehicle/pack mule whenever we're planning to walk all day (exploring cities or amusement parks). I know it's priced like a vehicle, but after years and miles upon miles, it IS a vehicle to us.
- Backpacks that are lightweight and roomy (1/kid, each a different color, these have been our favorites).
- Matching t-shirts -- Walmart usually has a good selection of brightly-colored cool-wick t-shirts for $5-8/each. You will not believe how much easier it is to find your children in a crowd if they're all wearing the same bright color.
- Noise machine -- No one wants to hear every cough in the room, and these can plug in to run all night.
- Lollipops -- Particularly for takeoff/landings on airplanes, because they last a while and keep them sucking (to help their ears).
- TSA-pre (or global entry) also allows you to bring your kids through the faster/easier security line.
- No pack-n-play.🙅 It may sound risky, but in my experience, hotels always provide one. We've travelled with 4 babies and never been stuck. And pack-n-plays are too bulky/heavy to bring "just in case." If you're really risk-averse, bring a KidCo peapod (but make sure they've slept in it before you travel).
- Toy Bags. I hand each child over age 3 a gallon ziplock bag, and they fill it with small toys for the trip. They pack it with their clothes in their backpack and keep their backpack with them at all times while traveling to/from destinations. I fill it for the 2-year-old, or I'm pretty sure she'd pack my shoes and the salt shaker in her bag.
- Entertainment. We let each child bring 1 paperback book in their backpack (or the littles can have 2-3 of the Berenstein Bears ilk). I pack DVDs in a sandwich-size ziplock bag. If we're driving, they know they can watch 1-2 movies in the van while we are on the highway (depending on trip length). We don't use them for airplane rides (they don't work for our littlest and the bigs don't need them anymore), but we will pull them out if we're all staying in one hotel room so the big boys can watch in the bathroom on Daddy's laptop while the baby sleeps in the main room. #bathroomtheater ;)

And finally, 3 tips for while you are on the road...

7. Take Time Off from site-seeing.

There's all kinds of research that says drinking from a firehose isn't the best way to learn or experience...anything. We retain too little and enjoy it even less. So take your time. Pick 1-2 main events each day and don't crowd them. It's always tempting to squeeze in more -- when will we be here again? then I can say I saw it! it's so close to us! -- but the law of diminishing returns applies here. When your gut says you need down-time, take it. #noguilt

8. Go to Church. 

I know it sounds...preachy? But seriously, we have found it immensely encouraging to worship with people from many backgrounds in different countries. We don't usually know anyone there, and we don't awkwardly work to meet people we'll never see again -- we just sit shoulder to shoulder with people who are so different and yet just like us. There is something about experiencing the global church -- and all its surprising styles -- that feeds faith. It also helps broaden our kids' view of church -- that it's not just our local community, something their parents do, but it truly is a global phenomenon.

9. Buy Something from a Nice Shop, not a street vendor.

Cheap t-shirts are everywhere. And if you love them, great. But I have only started realizing lately that the dress shirt Josh got in Rome is far more useful and valuable to us than any trinkets. The painting we had shipped home from Bath still hangs in our hall. I'd rather add 1 nice piece from a country to our permanent collection of stuff than more $5 disposable toys/souvenirs from every hovel.

Well, that's it for now. Feel free to add ideas in the comments!